Aries | March 21 to April 19
This week, it's more important than ever to remember Moscow Rule No. 7: Lull your opposition into a false sense of complacency.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Canadians are known the world over for their laid-back attitude, which makes it even stranger that thousands of them have barricaded you in your house.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Your tireless efforts have finally united America's workers, but it's less glorious than it sounds, given that you're the NFL's director of brand marketing.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You've finally run up against a problem your trusty meat cleaver can't solve, but that's why they make big wooden mallets.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
An attempt to popularize the book-length homilies of Laura Ingalls Wilder will result in professional wrestling's strangest phase yet.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Your inability to keep a recent fascination with the rock group Kansas to yourself will result in the first recorded use of a ducking stool since 1848.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
When you finally come out of the coma, friends will cheer your decision to reveal your recipe for Polish Bacon Buns.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You won't exactly fade into obscurity after your death, considering that that's where you spent all of your life.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
When the aliens finally arrive, they'll be much less advanced than anyone expected, as evinced by your maiming under the bald tires of their out-of-control '79 Buick.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You'll be thrown into a panic when the doctor diagnoses you with ulnar nerve damage, until he explains that that's just funny-bone trouble.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Stephen Hawking will revise his controversial theory on black holes, leaving you stumped about that noisy thing in your sink that eats garbage.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
The stars convey the wisdom that men and women are different, making you wonder momentarily if they might not just be giant fusion reactors after all.
WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION