Horoscope for the week of August 18, 2004

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Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.
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Horoscope for the week of August 18, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    This week, it's more important than ever to remember Moscow Rule No. 7: Lull your opposition into a false sense of complacency.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Canadians are known the world over for their laid-back attitude, which makes it even stranger that thousands of them have barricaded you in your house.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your tireless efforts have finally united America's workers, but it's less glorious than it sounds, given that you're the NFL's director of brand marketing.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You've finally run up against a problem your trusty meat cleaver can't solve, but that's why they make big wooden mallets.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    An attempt to popularize the book-length homilies of Laura Ingalls Wilder will result in professional wrestling's strangest phase yet.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your inability to keep a recent fascination with the rock group Kansas to yourself will result in the first recorded use of a ducking stool since 1848.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    When you finally come out of the coma, friends will cheer your decision to reveal your recipe for Polish Bacon Buns.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You won't exactly fade into obscurity after your death, considering that that's where you spent all of your life.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    When the aliens finally arrive, they'll be much less advanced than anyone expected, as evinced by your maiming under the bald tires of their out-of-control '79 Buick.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll be thrown into a panic when the doctor diagnoses you with ulnar nerve damage, until he explains that that's just funny-bone trouble.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Stephen Hawking will revise his controversial theory on black holes, leaving you stumped about that noisy thing in your sink that eats garbage.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars convey the wisdom that men and women are different, making you wonder momentarily if they might not just be giant fusion reactors after all.


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