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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Horoscope for the week of August 18, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    This week, it's more important than ever to remember Moscow Rule No. 7: Lull your opposition into a false sense of complacency.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Canadians are known the world over for their laid-back attitude, which makes it even stranger that thousands of them have barricaded you in your house.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your tireless efforts have finally united America's workers, but it's less glorious than it sounds, given that you're the NFL's director of brand marketing.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You've finally run up against a problem your trusty meat cleaver can't solve, but that's why they make big wooden mallets.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    An attempt to popularize the book-length homilies of Laura Ingalls Wilder will result in professional wrestling's strangest phase yet.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your inability to keep a recent fascination with the rock group Kansas to yourself will result in the first recorded use of a ducking stool since 1848.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    When you finally come out of the coma, friends will cheer your decision to reveal your recipe for Polish Bacon Buns.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You won't exactly fade into obscurity after your death, considering that that's where you spent all of your life.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    When the aliens finally arrive, they'll be much less advanced than anyone expected, as evinced by your maiming under the bald tires of their out-of-control '79 Buick.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll be thrown into a panic when the doctor diagnoses you with ulnar nerve damage, until he explains that that's just funny-bone trouble.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Stephen Hawking will revise his controversial theory on black holes, leaving you stumped about that noisy thing in your sink that eats garbage.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars convey the wisdom that men and women are different, making you wonder momentarily if they might not just be giant fusion reactors after all.

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