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Horoscope for the week of August 18, 2004

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NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know
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Horoscope for the week of August 18, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    This week, it's more important than ever to remember Moscow Rule No. 7: Lull your opposition into a false sense of complacency.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Canadians are known the world over for their laid-back attitude, which makes it even stranger that thousands of them have barricaded you in your house.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your tireless efforts have finally united America's workers, but it's less glorious than it sounds, given that you're the NFL's director of brand marketing.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You've finally run up against a problem your trusty meat cleaver can't solve, but that's why they make big wooden mallets.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    An attempt to popularize the book-length homilies of Laura Ingalls Wilder will result in professional wrestling's strangest phase yet.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your inability to keep a recent fascination with the rock group Kansas to yourself will result in the first recorded use of a ducking stool since 1848.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    When you finally come out of the coma, friends will cheer your decision to reveal your recipe for Polish Bacon Buns.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You won't exactly fade into obscurity after your death, considering that that's where you spent all of your life.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    When the aliens finally arrive, they'll be much less advanced than anyone expected, as evinced by your maiming under the bald tires of their out-of-control '79 Buick.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll be thrown into a panic when the doctor diagnoses you with ulnar nerve damage, until he explains that that's just funny-bone trouble.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Stephen Hawking will revise his controversial theory on black holes, leaving you stumped about that noisy thing in your sink that eats garbage.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars convey the wisdom that men and women are different, making you wonder momentarily if they might not just be giant fusion reactors after all.

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