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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Horoscope for the week of August 19, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    After your fourth hospital stay in as many months, you begin to mistrust the other members of your aerobatic biplane squad.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The whole world will hold its breath this week while you engage in a life-and-death struggle with heartburn.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will soon become the first person in history to be offered sex because of your political-cartooning skills.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    A humdrum week will be greatly enlivened when you discover fresh new ideas for home and office in the 64-page, full-color September Cancer catalog.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You enjoy a visit from a handsome Taurus this week, but ultimately discover that, to your shame, the conjugal-visit trailer was bugged.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    An embarrassing nickname comes back to haunt you this week, convincing you once and for all that you should never have strangled all those nurses.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The times call for rational, well-reasoned thinking. Under no circumstances allow your thinking to be clouded by superstition.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Scorpio is called the scorpion, but to be honest, you're really more of a potato beetle.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You enjoy true back-to-school learning fun this week at the hands of a well-trained, double-jointed Korean sex instructor.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You are genuinely surprised to learn that you are the only one who likes your rapacious, malodorous, ugly little pet ferret.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Bad weather, a balky stallion and 300 years of social progress conspire to ruin your fox hunt.

More from this section

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

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