Aries | March 21 to April 19
After your fourth hospital stay in as many months, you begin to mistrust the other members of your aerobatic biplane squad.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The whole world will hold its breath this week while you engage in a life-and-death struggle with heartburn.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You will soon become the first person in history to be offered sex because of your political-cartooning skills.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
A humdrum week will be greatly enlivened when you discover fresh new ideas for home and office in the 64-page, full-color September Cancer catalog.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You enjoy a visit from a handsome Taurus this week, but ultimately discover that, to your shame, the conjugal-visit trailer was bugged.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
An embarrassing nickname comes back to haunt you this week, convincing you once and for all that you should never have strangled all those nurses.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
The times call for rational, well-reasoned thinking. Under no circumstances allow your thinking to be clouded by superstition.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Scorpio is called the scorpion, but to be honest, you're really more of a potato beetle.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You enjoy true back-to-school learning fun this week at the hands of a well-trained, double-jointed Korean sex instructor.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You are genuinely surprised to learn that you are the only one who likes your rapacious, malodorous, ugly little pet ferret.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Bad weather, a balky stallion and 300 years of social progress conspire to ruin your fox hunt.
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