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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Horoscope for the week of August 19, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    After your fourth hospital stay in as many months, you begin to mistrust the other members of your aerobatic biplane squad.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The whole world will hold its breath this week while you engage in a life-and-death struggle with heartburn.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will soon become the first person in history to be offered sex because of your political-cartooning skills.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    A humdrum week will be greatly enlivened when you discover fresh new ideas for home and office in the 64-page, full-color September Cancer catalog.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You enjoy a visit from a handsome Taurus this week, but ultimately discover that, to your shame, the conjugal-visit trailer was bugged.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    An embarrassing nickname comes back to haunt you this week, convincing you once and for all that you should never have strangled all those nurses.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The times call for rational, well-reasoned thinking. Under no circumstances allow your thinking to be clouded by superstition.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Scorpio is called the scorpion, but to be honest, you're really more of a potato beetle.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You enjoy true back-to-school learning fun this week at the hands of a well-trained, double-jointed Korean sex instructor.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You are genuinely surprised to learn that you are the only one who likes your rapacious, malodorous, ugly little pet ferret.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Bad weather, a balky stallion and 300 years of social progress conspire to ruin your fox hunt.

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