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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Horoscope for the week of August 19, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    After your fourth hospital stay in as many months, you begin to mistrust the other members of your aerobatic biplane squad.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The whole world will hold its breath this week while you engage in a life-and-death struggle with heartburn.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will soon become the first person in history to be offered sex because of your political-cartooning skills.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    A humdrum week will be greatly enlivened when you discover fresh new ideas for home and office in the 64-page, full-color September Cancer catalog.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You enjoy a visit from a handsome Taurus this week, but ultimately discover that, to your shame, the conjugal-visit trailer was bugged.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    An embarrassing nickname comes back to haunt you this week, convincing you once and for all that you should never have strangled all those nurses.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The times call for rational, well-reasoned thinking. Under no circumstances allow your thinking to be clouded by superstition.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Scorpio is called the scorpion, but to be honest, you're really more of a potato beetle.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You enjoy true back-to-school learning fun this week at the hands of a well-trained, double-jointed Korean sex instructor.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You are genuinely surprised to learn that you are the only one who likes your rapacious, malodorous, ugly little pet ferret.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Bad weather, a balky stallion and 300 years of social progress conspire to ruin your fox hunt.
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