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Horoscope for the week of August 19, 1998

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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture
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Horoscope for the week of August 19, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Stick up for what you believe in this week. Write a strongly worded letter to your local newspaper protesting their slanted and one-sided coverage of murder issues.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    No one will stand in your way if you heed Taurus' words: Walk briskly and swing an axe in front of you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It seems cruel, but for now it’s best not to accept Buddy Hackett's tearful apology for last week’s incident.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Six fractured vertebrae, a separated shoulder, a severe concussion and 10 shattered fingers convince you that you aren’t cut out for the typist's life.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Everything may seem quiet in the sign of the lion, but take heed: The Capricorns have increased the budget for their nuclear-powered sub-orbital anti-Leo lasers.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will be incinerated in a Bangkok blast furnace when a Thai prostitute misinterprets your repeated insistence on "getting your ashes hauled."
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will receive a late-night phone call from the world’s most beautiful people asking how it feels to not be one of them.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Thor, the Norse God of Thunder, will introduce a fun new game he calls "See How Close I Can Come To The Scorpio Without Actually Hitting Him With The Lightning Bolt."
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You may be entitled to a large refund this week when the gynecologist you’ve been seeing announces that you are not pregnant but male.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Saturn in your sign is cause for concern, as Capricorn has had a restaining order against the planet for years.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    God will announce that you may be forgiven for any one sin you’ve committed, except the melon-fucking.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Nothing will be what it seems this week, especially breakfast sausages.

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