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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Horoscope for the week of August 19, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Stick up for what you believe in this week. Write a strongly worded letter to your local newspaper protesting their slanted and one-sided coverage of murder issues.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    No one will stand in your way if you heed Taurus' words: Walk briskly and swing an axe in front of you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It seems cruel, but for now it’s best not to accept Buddy Hackett's tearful apology for last week’s incident.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Six fractured vertebrae, a separated shoulder, a severe concussion and 10 shattered fingers convince you that you aren’t cut out for the typist's life.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Everything may seem quiet in the sign of the lion, but take heed: The Capricorns have increased the budget for their nuclear-powered sub-orbital anti-Leo lasers.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will be incinerated in a Bangkok blast furnace when a Thai prostitute misinterprets your repeated insistence on "getting your ashes hauled."
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will receive a late-night phone call from the world’s most beautiful people asking how it feels to not be one of them.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Thor, the Norse God of Thunder, will introduce a fun new game he calls "See How Close I Can Come To The Scorpio Without Actually Hitting Him With The Lightning Bolt."
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You may be entitled to a large refund this week when the gynecologist you’ve been seeing announces that you are not pregnant but male.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Saturn in your sign is cause for concern, as Capricorn has had a restaining order against the planet for years.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    God will announce that you may be forgiven for any one sin you’ve committed, except the melon-fucking.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Nothing will be what it seems this week, especially breakfast sausages.

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