Aries | March 21 to April 19
Stick up for what you believe in this week. Write a strongly worded letter to your local newspaper protesting their slanted and one-sided coverage of murder issues.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
No one will stand in your way if you heed Taurus' words: Walk briskly and swing an axe in front of you.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
It seems cruel, but for now it’s best not to accept Buddy Hackett's tearful apology for last week’s incident.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Six fractured vertebrae, a separated shoulder, a severe concussion and 10 shattered fingers convince you that you aren’t cut out for the typist's life.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Everything may seem quiet in the sign of the lion, but take heed: The Capricorns have increased the budget for their nuclear-powered sub-orbital anti-Leo lasers.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You will be incinerated in a Bangkok blast furnace when a Thai prostitute misinterprets your repeated insistence on "getting your ashes hauled."
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You will receive a late-night phone call from the world’s most beautiful people asking how it feels to not be one of them.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Thor, the Norse God of Thunder, will introduce a fun new game he calls "See How Close I Can Come To The Scorpio Without Actually Hitting Him With The Lightning Bolt."
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You may be entitled to a large refund this week when the gynecologist you’ve been seeing announces that you are not pregnant but male.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Saturn in your sign is cause for concern, as Capricorn has had a restaining order against the planet for years.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
God will announce that you may be forgiven for any one sin you’ve committed, except the melon-fucking.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Nothing will be what it seems this week, especially breakfast sausages.
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