Horoscope for the week of August 19, 1998

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Vol 34 Issue 03

Old Friend Avoided In Hometown Convenience Store

HARWICH, MA—Boston graphic designer Kirk Bannon ducked out of a Harwich Stop 'N' Shop convenience store Tuesday, successfully avoiding contact with store cashier and onetime high-school classmate George Moseley. "George and I were in Mr. Telscher's first-period biology class together," said Bannon, 26, who was back in his hometown for a friend's wedding. "Looks like he's an assistant manager." After sneaking out of the Stop 'N' Shop, Bannon drove to a Gas 'N' Go three blocks away to purchase a gallon of milk and a New York Times.

Unremarkable Man Resembles Burt Ward

KALAMAZOO, MI—Walter Hodgson, a generally unremarkable Kalamazoo-area accountant, bears a strong resemblance to actor Burt Ward, it was reported Monday. "From a certain angle, especially when his hair is parted to the left, [Hodgson] really looks a lot like that guy who played Robin in the old Batman series," said Rick Tufts, who lives in the same apartment building as Hodgson. "Other than that, I can't say that there's anything all that distinctive about him."

Al Gore Excited, Proud To Be At Local Event

LAS CRUCES, NM—Vice-President Al Gore expressed excitement and pride over his presence at Saturday's 25th annual Las Cruces Air Show, where he delivered the honorary opening address. "I can't tell you how excited and proud I am to be here. This truly is one of the great American traditions," Gore told the crowd of 260. "And I know that President Clinton, who unfortunately could not be here today, feels the same way." Moments after his remarks, the excited, proud Gore left aboard Air Force Two, missing the entirety of the air show. Organizers of the event speculated that he was too excited to stay.

Creepy Late-Night Mortgage Ad Gives Insight Into True State Of Economy

Millions of late-night television viewers were given a rare glimpse into the true state of the economy Monday, when a creepy ad encouraging Americans to mortgage their homes to get out of debt aired numerous times on stations across the U.S. "Homeowners," the commercial stated, "do you have credit-card bills, loan payments or other large monthly bills that you can't afford? Capital Credit, the nation's leading home-mortgage specialists since 1965, can help. Call our toll-free number today." Said Jacksonville, FL, insomniac Bob Voss, who saw the ad at 1 a.m., 1:25 a.m., 1:56 a.m. and 3:12 a.m.: "I guess maybe there's something they're not telling us about the economy."

They Don't Make 'Em Like They Used To

Hola amigos! What's goin' down? I know it's been a while since I last gave you the gospel according to Anchower, but I've had problems like you wouldn't believe. First off, I blew a tire 'cause my alignment was all messed up, but my alignment couldn't be fixed until I replaced my master bearing. Plus, my clutch cable broke for the second time 'cause the firewall is bent in. Hombres, this ain't been an easy time in the life of Jim Anchower.

Requiem For Mrs. Zweibel

To-day marks the 100th anniversary of my marriage to my beloved wife, Mrs. Zweibel. Not a day goes by in which I don't think of my 41 years with her. I only wish I could remember her name. I think it was Mabel. Or perhaps Henrietta.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Horoscope for the week of August 19, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries

    Stick up for what you believe in this week. Write a strongly worded letter to your local newspaper protesting their slanted and one-sided coverage of murder issues.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    No one will stand in your way if you heed Taurus' words: Walk briskly and swing an axe in front of you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    It seems cruel, but for now it’s best not to accept Buddy Hackett's tearful apology for last week’s incident.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Six fractured vertebrae, a separated shoulder, a severe concussion and 10 shattered fingers convince you that you aren’t cut out for the typist's life.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Everything may seem quiet in the sign of the lion, but take heed: The Capricorns have increased the budget for their nuclear-powered sub-orbital anti-Leo lasers.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You will be incinerated in a Bangkok blast furnace when a Thai prostitute misinterprets your repeated insistence on "getting your ashes hauled."
  • Libra

    Libra

    You will receive a late-night phone call from the world’s most beautiful people asking how it feels to not be one of them.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Thor, the Norse God of Thunder, will introduce a fun new game he calls "See How Close I Can Come To The Scorpio Without Actually Hitting Him With The Lightning Bolt."
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You may be entitled to a large refund this week when the gynecologist you’ve been seeing announces that you are not pregnant but male.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Saturn in your sign is cause for concern, as Capricorn has had a restaining order against the planet for years.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    God will announce that you may be forgiven for any one sin you’ve committed, except the melon-fucking.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Nothing will be what it seems this week, especially breakfast sausages.
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