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Horoscope for the week of August 19, 1998

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

What Is The Alt-Right?

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Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

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NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.
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Horoscope for the week of August 19, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Stick up for what you believe in this week. Write a strongly worded letter to your local newspaper protesting their slanted and one-sided coverage of murder issues.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    No one will stand in your way if you heed Taurus' words: Walk briskly and swing an axe in front of you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It seems cruel, but for now it’s best not to accept Buddy Hackett's tearful apology for last week’s incident.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Six fractured vertebrae, a separated shoulder, a severe concussion and 10 shattered fingers convince you that you aren’t cut out for the typist's life.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Everything may seem quiet in the sign of the lion, but take heed: The Capricorns have increased the budget for their nuclear-powered sub-orbital anti-Leo lasers.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will be incinerated in a Bangkok blast furnace when a Thai prostitute misinterprets your repeated insistence on "getting your ashes hauled."
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will receive a late-night phone call from the world’s most beautiful people asking how it feels to not be one of them.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Thor, the Norse God of Thunder, will introduce a fun new game he calls "See How Close I Can Come To The Scorpio Without Actually Hitting Him With The Lightning Bolt."
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You may be entitled to a large refund this week when the gynecologist you’ve been seeing announces that you are not pregnant but male.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Saturn in your sign is cause for concern, as Capricorn has had a restaining order against the planet for years.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    God will announce that you may be forgiven for any one sin you’ve committed, except the melon-fucking.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Nothing will be what it seems this week, especially breakfast sausages.

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