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Horoscope for the week of August 2, 2000

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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race
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Horoscope for the week of August 2, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You know, the stars are beginning to suspect that it is no longer possible for a competent person to be elected president of this nation.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    An assassin from the future will attempt to prevent the birth of the next Hitler by materializing in your bedroom at a particularly awkward moment.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The ghost of Hemingway appears to you in a dream and explains for the last time that the old man was an old man, the sea was the sea, and the fish was just a fish.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    We're sorry. Last week's prediction of "a night journey over water" should indeed have read "waterfall." Best wishes for your speedy recovery.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Mercury ascendant in Leo indicates that your mother so fat she gots her own damn ZIP code.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    One of your greatest problems is your inability to ignore oversimplified, arbitrary, and potentially unsound advice from dubious sources.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You are decidedly nonplussed when you receive the entire America Online corporation free in the mail this week.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The life's work of poet Wallace Stevens will change you forever when it falls from the top shelf onto your head, paralyzing you from the neck down.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your name will appear several times in the coroner's report, smudged though it will be by tears of laughter and overenthusiastic highlighting.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You might have decided that you don't believe in God, but that's okay–He believes in Himself.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Job-related burnout can be tough, but keep in mind that you fulfill a necessary function. After all, those nurses aren't going to strangle themselves.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Whatever you do this week will prove that Rip Torn was right about you.

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