Horoscope for the week of August 2, 2000

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Vol 36 Issue 26

In My Day, Ballplayers Were For Shit

It seems everywhere I go these days, some young fella's jibber-jabbering about how great some ballplayer of today is. It's always Mark McGwire this or Sammy Sosa that. Well, of course they're the best. These modern big leaguers, with their blinding speed, cannon arms, and towering home runs–they've got it all. Back in my day, ballplayers were for shit!

Texas Sheriff Cracks Down On Chicken-On-Chicken Violence

AMARILLO, TX–Determined to break the deadly cycle of chicken-on-chicken violence, Amarillo Sheriff James Braddock is targeting cockfighting activity in the area. "It's always tragic when any chicken is injured or killed," said Braddock after a massive, 45-chicken bust. "But it's doubly tragic when these put-upon creatures turn against their own kind." Braddock said that while law-enforcement officials are making strides, they can only do so much. "Educating these chickens while they're still young is key," he said.

Area Father Takes One More Look At Liner Notes Of Daughter's Britney Spears Album

JEFFERSON CITY, MO–Marv Reynolds, 42, father of 11-year-old Ashley, slipped into his daughter's bedroom for one more look at the liner notes to her Britney Spears album Monday. "Just like to see what my daughter's into these days," said Reynolds, perusing the photo-packed booklet accompanying Spears' Oops!...I Did It Again for the fourth time in as many days. "I bet she'll put this on the moment she gets home from soccer practice in 20 minutes." Upon hearing a car pull into the driveway, Reynolds, who has previously browsed the liner notes to his daughter's Mandy Moore and Christina Aguilera CDs, put the Spears disc back exactly where he found it and left the room.

Clinton To Get Teeth Cleaning, Glasses Before Coverage Runs Out

WASHINGTON, DC–With less than six months remaining in his second term, President Clinton made appointments Monday for dental and optometry check-ups that are covered by his Physicians Plus presidential health plan. "My teeth are fine, but I figured I should take advantage and get a cleaning before I get dropped next January," Clinton said. "And if I get new glasses before then, Physicians Plus will cover the lenses and 60 percent of the cost of frames, so I'd be crazy not to." Clinton said he was worried he was already too late to get in for an eye exam before leaving office, but Dr. Heitman, his designated optometrist, had an opening on Dec. 17 at 8:15 a.m.

15 Years Of Kathie Lee

Last Friday, after 15 years, Kathie Lee Gifford did her final Live! With Regis & Kathie Lee. What have been some of the show's highlights over the years?

The Concorde Crash

On July 25, an Air France Concorde crashed during takeoff near Paris, killing 113 people, including 96 Germans. What do you think of this first-ever crash of the supersonic jet?

Old Folks At Home

Long life is the ardent desire of many. Indeed, some of you may achieve it, as I have. But once you find your-self out-living your pet Galapagos tortoise, you may do well to question your luck.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of August 2, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries

    You know, the stars are beginning to suspect that it is no longer possible for a competent person to be elected president of this nation.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    An assassin from the future will attempt to prevent the birth of the next Hitler by materializing in your bedroom at a particularly awkward moment.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    The ghost of Hemingway appears to you in a dream and explains for the last time that the old man was an old man, the sea was the sea, and the fish was just a fish.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    We're sorry. Last week's prediction of "a night journey over water" should indeed have read "waterfall." Best wishes for your speedy recovery.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Mercury ascendant in Leo indicates that your mother so fat she gots her own damn ZIP code.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    One of your greatest problems is your inability to ignore oversimplified, arbitrary, and potentially unsound advice from dubious sources.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You are decidedly nonplussed when you receive the entire America Online corporation free in the mail this week.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    The life's work of poet Wallace Stevens will change you forever when it falls from the top shelf onto your head, paralyzing you from the neck down.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Your name will appear several times in the coroner's report, smudged though it will be by tears of laughter and overenthusiastic highlighting.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You might have decided that you don't believe in God, but that's okay–He believes in Himself.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Job-related burnout can be tough, but keep in mind that you fulfill a necessary function. After all, those nurses aren't going to strangle themselves.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Whatever you do this week will prove that Rip Torn was right about you.
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