Horoscope for the week of August 2, 2000

Top Headlines

Recent News

Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids

What It Costs To Host The Olympic Games

Boston announced this week it will pull its bid for the 2024 Olympics, due in part to the huge costs associated with the games that could become a taxpayer burden. Here is a breakdown of what the Olympics cost their host cities

Resolute Congress Passes Second Amendment Again

WASHINGTON—Easily securing the requisite two-thirds majorities in the House and Senate, a resolute United States Congress responded to the ongoing national debate on gun rights Tuesday by passing the Second Amendment again.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Protection

  • Guards Gun Down Four Angels Escaping From Heaven

    THE HEAVENS—Killing four and critically wounding several others, armed guards dispatched from the Right Hand of God reportedly opened fire early Monday morning on a group of angels attempting to escape from heaven. One of the Eternal Kingdom’s...

Horoscope for the week of August 2, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You know, the stars are beginning to suspect that it is no longer possible for a competent person to be elected president of this nation.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    An assassin from the future will attempt to prevent the birth of the next Hitler by materializing in your bedroom at a particularly awkward moment.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The ghost of Hemingway appears to you in a dream and explains for the last time that the old man was an old man, the sea was the sea, and the fish was just a fish.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    We're sorry. Last week's prediction of "a night journey over water" should indeed have read "waterfall." Best wishes for your speedy recovery.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Mercury ascendant in Leo indicates that your mother so fat she gots her own damn ZIP code.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    One of your greatest problems is your inability to ignore oversimplified, arbitrary, and potentially unsound advice from dubious sources.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You are decidedly nonplussed when you receive the entire America Online corporation free in the mail this week.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The life's work of poet Wallace Stevens will change you forever when it falls from the top shelf onto your head, paralyzing you from the neck down.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your name will appear several times in the coroner's report, smudged though it will be by tears of laughter and overenthusiastic highlighting.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You might have decided that you don't believe in God, but that's okay–He believes in Himself.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Job-related burnout can be tough, but keep in mind that you fulfill a necessary function. After all, those nurses aren't going to strangle themselves.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Whatever you do this week will prove that Rip Torn was right about you.