Horoscope for the week of August 2, 2000

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Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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Horoscope for the week of August 2, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You know, the stars are beginning to suspect that it is no longer possible for a competent person to be elected president of this nation.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    An assassin from the future will attempt to prevent the birth of the next Hitler by materializing in your bedroom at a particularly awkward moment.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The ghost of Hemingway appears to you in a dream and explains for the last time that the old man was an old man, the sea was the sea, and the fish was just a fish.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    We're sorry. Last week's prediction of "a night journey over water" should indeed have read "waterfall." Best wishes for your speedy recovery.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Mercury ascendant in Leo indicates that your mother so fat she gots her own damn ZIP code.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    One of your greatest problems is your inability to ignore oversimplified, arbitrary, and potentially unsound advice from dubious sources.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You are decidedly nonplussed when you receive the entire America Online corporation free in the mail this week.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The life's work of poet Wallace Stevens will change you forever when it falls from the top shelf onto your head, paralyzing you from the neck down.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your name will appear several times in the coroner's report, smudged though it will be by tears of laughter and overenthusiastic highlighting.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You might have decided that you don't believe in God, but that's okay–He believes in Himself.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Job-related burnout can be tough, but keep in mind that you fulfill a necessary function. After all, those nurses aren't going to strangle themselves.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Whatever you do this week will prove that Rip Torn was right about you.


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