Horoscope for the week of August 20, 2003

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Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.
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Horoscope for the week of August 20, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your threats to the other bar-goers would have seemed a lot more frightening if your Vespa hadn't stalled while you were trying to race away.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Whatever else happens this week, you should not miss the Taurus Summer Blowout Sale, going on right now.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will learn that he whom the gods would destroy, the gods first treat to a whole bunch of delicious pancakes.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Three wonders will you see this week: seven falling stars, a rainbow 'round the moon, and a person drinking Stoli Vanilla whom you don't want to hit.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Remember to take baby steps. There is no reason to rush something major like a trip to Miami.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    There are things that people weren't meant to know. In spite of what you think, however, that doesn't include everything.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Although you've certainly slept your way somewhere, no one would ever mistake it for the top.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will magically transform yourself from the nice lady in human resources to the bad girl of goat porn.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The "astronomers" say Mars is now closer to Earth than it will be for 60,000 years, but you know it's really rising in Sagittarius.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Take heart: The worst is over. Nevertheless, the fact remains that "life as normal" is nothing to write home about.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The fairness of destiny isn't ours to judge, but if you feed hot sauce to a Rottweiler, you deserve everything you get.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    A little hard work never hurt anyone—unless, like you, they were trying to move 16 beef sides off an assembly line during a runaway meat-warehouse fire.


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