Horoscope for the week of August 20, 2003

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Vol 39 Issue 32

Criminal Mad That Man Called The Cops On Him

OAKLAND, CA—Ben Patton, arrested Monday, said he was angry that a passerby reported him to the police. "I'm minding my own fucking business, crowbarring the door off of a Radio Shack, and some punk drives by and calls 911 on his cell phone," Patton said. "If it was his car I was breaking into, I could see him getting involved, but this is bullshit." While in custody, Patton added that he wishes he had noted the color and model of the informant's car, so he could express his irritation to the driver in person.

Suicide Hotline Operator Talking To Ex-Boyfriend Again

ABERDEEN, WA—Volunteers at the Helping Heart Crisis Hotline announced Tuesday that Candice Knoff, 25, is on the phone with her attention-starved ex-boyfriend Tony Hewitt again. "Tony always calls right after he runs into Candy on the street," said Jeanne Teal, one of Knoff's coworkers. "He spends an hour going on and on about how he's been so depressed ever since they broke up, even though it's been like a year. I can always tell it's him, because Candy'll be over there rolling her eyes the entire call." According to the other volunteers, Hewitt has called the hotline at least once a week for the past year, except in March and April when he was dating a waitress he met in Olympia.

Woman Assures Friend She Has Blackouts From Drinking All The Time

COLUMBUS, OH—When Yolanda Franks expressed concern that friend Becky O'Neill couldn't remember the second half of an apartment-warming party Saturday, O'Neill assured her that she has blackouts all the time. "It's no big deal," O'Neill said Tuesday. "Sure, I had a bit too much too drink, but I got to work Monday fine. No need to worry." O'Neill added that she just shakes off her frequent blackouts, as she does the occasional unplanned pregnancy.

Bob Hope Happy To See So Many Troops In Heaven

HEAVEN—Recently deceased entertainer Bob Hope announced Monday that he was happy to be reunited with the millions of U.S. troops currently stationed in Paradise, many of whom he entertained during his 50-year career. "It sure brings a smile to my face to see all you proud men and women in uniform," Hope said. "Let's hope the food is better here than it was in the mess tent." Turning to the Pearly Gates, Hope gave a thumbs-up to a soldier killed Monday in a guerrilla attack 20 miles west of Baghdad.

Bush Diagnosed With Attention-To-Deficit Disorder

WASHINGTON, DC—Pointing to massive war-time tax cuts, physicians from the Congressional Budget Office diagnosed President Bush with attention-to-deficit disorder Tuesday. "The president exhibits all the symptoms of ATDD: impulsiveness, restlessness, inability to focus on mounting U.S. debt likely to reach $400 billion by the year's end," Dr. Terrence Spellman said. "Failing to address his affliction could lead to serious long-term fiscal health problems for future generations of Americans." To treat the president's ATDD, Spellman prescribed Ritalin and an introductory course in high-school economics.

Canadian Prescription Drugs

Major drug manufacturers are attempting to stop Canadian pharmacies from selling discounted prescription drugs to Americans. What do you think?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of August 20, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries

    Your threats to the other bar-goers would have seemed a lot more frightening if your Vespa hadn't stalled while you were trying to race away.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Whatever else happens this week, you should not miss the Taurus Summer Blowout Sale, going on right now.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You will learn that he whom the gods would destroy, the gods first treat to a whole bunch of delicious pancakes.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Three wonders will you see this week: seven falling stars, a rainbow 'round the moon, and a person drinking Stoli Vanilla whom you don't want to hit.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Remember to take baby steps. There is no reason to rush something major like a trip to Miami.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    There are things that people weren't meant to know. In spite of what you think, however, that doesn't include everything.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Although you've certainly slept your way somewhere, no one would ever mistake it for the top.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You will magically transform yourself from the nice lady in human resources to the bad girl of goat porn.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    The "astronomers" say Mars is now closer to Earth than it will be for 60,000 years, but you know it's really rising in Sagittarius.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Take heart: The worst is over. Nevertheless, the fact remains that "life as normal" is nothing to write home about.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    The fairness of destiny isn't ours to judge, but if you feed hot sauce to a Rottweiler, you deserve everything you get.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    A little hard work never hurt anyone—unless, like you, they were trying to move 16 beef sides off an assembly line during a runaway meat-warehouse fire.
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