Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your threats to the other bar-goers would have seemed a lot more frightening if your Vespa hadn't stalled while you were trying to race away.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Whatever else happens this week, you should not miss the Taurus Summer Blowout Sale, going on right now.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You will learn that he whom the gods would destroy, the gods first treat to a whole bunch of delicious pancakes.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Three wonders will you see this week: seven falling stars, a rainbow 'round the moon, and a person drinking Stoli Vanilla whom you don't want to hit.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Remember to take baby steps. There is no reason to rush something major like a trip to Miami.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
There are things that people weren't meant to know. In spite of what you think, however, that doesn't include everything.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Although you've certainly slept your way somewhere, no one would ever mistake it for the top.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You will magically transform yourself from the nice lady in human resources to the bad girl of goat porn.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
The "astronomers" say Mars is now closer to Earth than it will be for 60,000 years, but you know it's really rising in Sagittarius.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Take heart: The worst is over. Nevertheless, the fact remains that "life as normal" is nothing to write home about.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
The fairness of destiny isn't ours to judge, but if you feed hot sauce to a Rottweiler, you deserve everything you get.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
A little hard work never hurt anyone—unless, like you, they were trying to move 16 beef sides off an assembly line during a runaway meat-warehouse fire.
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