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Horoscope for the week of August 20, 2003

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How Fashion Trends Arise

With the growing popularity of “fast fashion,” or designs that move quickly from the runway to retail chains, many wonder how their favorite styles first arise. The Onion breaks down the process step by step

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:
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Horoscope for the week of August 20, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your threats to the other bar-goers would have seemed a lot more frightening if your Vespa hadn't stalled while you were trying to race away.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Whatever else happens this week, you should not miss the Taurus Summer Blowout Sale, going on right now.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will learn that he whom the gods would destroy, the gods first treat to a whole bunch of delicious pancakes.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Three wonders will you see this week: seven falling stars, a rainbow 'round the moon, and a person drinking Stoli Vanilla whom you don't want to hit.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Remember to take baby steps. There is no reason to rush something major like a trip to Miami.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    There are things that people weren't meant to know. In spite of what you think, however, that doesn't include everything.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Although you've certainly slept your way somewhere, no one would ever mistake it for the top.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will magically transform yourself from the nice lady in human resources to the bad girl of goat porn.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The "astronomers" say Mars is now closer to Earth than it will be for 60,000 years, but you know it's really rising in Sagittarius.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Take heart: The worst is over. Nevertheless, the fact remains that "life as normal" is nothing to write home about.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The fairness of destiny isn't ours to judge, but if you feed hot sauce to a Rottweiler, you deserve everything you get.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    A little hard work never hurt anyone—unless, like you, they were trying to move 16 beef sides off an assembly line during a runaway meat-warehouse fire.

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