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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Horoscope for the week of August 21, 1996

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The stars indicate that it’s time to lose the love handles. Sew yourself into a bag with a dozen starving ferrets.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    If you are the type of person who faints at the sight of blood, you should plan to spend most of next week unconscious.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A crazy mix-up will result in you being fatally stabbed, as crooked New York cops mistake you for Serpico, the internal affairs informer.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Venus descendant in the sign Cancer means trouble in your love life. Your wife will soon discover three different-colored lipstick stains on your underpants.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Constantly rising pressure on both the business front and at home can be easily relieved by drilling massive holes in your skull.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The culmination of your life’s dream is in sight as your trusty half-gallon of Dewar’s-brand Scotch nears emptiness.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Financial reward is most definitely in your future. Keep scooping out those “take-a-penny” trays at the truckstops along I-90.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Scorpio should be ever-vigilant during the waning of the September moon. If you sleep at all during the coming month, demons will grind your corpse.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Earth and Love magicks are strong in the sign of Sagittarius this month. You will be buried alive by your spouse.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Beware of circular cycles this fortnight. Launch a pre-emptive strike against every round thing in your community.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Friends and family members will continue to disregard your sage advice. It’s up to you to decide whether or not they still deserve to have ears.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Despite your frequent warnings, the nurse will continue to pooh-pooh your fear of linoleum.
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