Horoscope for the week of August 21, 1996

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Vol 30 Issue 02

Christ's Face Seen On Miracle Canvas

FLORENCE, ITALY—Millions flocked to a museum in Florence this week to witness an image of Christ's face suspended on an ordinary piece of canvas. "It is Him!" said Paolo Bruni, 63, a merchant from Sorrento who traveled 200 miles to the diSforzi Museum to see the vision of Christ floating in the middle of a "golden rectangle." "It is truly a miracle," he said. Despite the clear depiction of Christ, many remain unconvinced. "It is a trick of the light," said German tourist Dieter Ühler, 34. "This is, ah, how do you say, an impossibility." The discovery of the miracle canvas comes just weeks after the supposed discovery of a 9x12-inch piece of paper with some fruit on it in a French museum.

Sports De-Emphasized

WASHINGTON, DC—After occupying a pre-eminent position in American culture for more than half a century, sports was de-emphasized Sunday, returning to what one U.S. spokesperson called "a more proper perspective." Phase one of the de-emphasis begins next week, when U.S. citizens will be stripped of all pro team merchandise, including Starter-brand NFL team jackets, officially licensed replica NBA jerseys and any remaining wacky fan novelty items. "I am going to fight this, as it is my strong conviction that sports is life, and the rest is just details," said Chicago resident Brian Fordson, clutching his Tazmanian Devil-Chicago Bears beer-dispenser/ helmet. According to reports, replacing sports in national importance will be either folk dancing or the study of the pre-WWI immigrant labor movement.

Adorable Puppy Nets Owner Handjob

AUSTIN, TX—Area puppy Patches netted owner James Kearney a handjob yesterday, using his undeniable puppy adorability to attract an attractive human female on behalf of his owner. According to reports, during a routine afternoon walk, Patches, a three-month-old yellow lab, stopped and playfully lapped the heels of area resident Rachel West, 20, who within minutes converted her strong feelings of affection toward Patches into sexual attraction for his owner. Kearney strongly denied allegations that he intentionally used the dog to win sexual favors.

Governor Lashes Out Against Cheap Scotch, Poorly Rolled Cigars

MONTPELIER, VT—In an angry address before supporters, Gov. James Kingery Monday railed against what he called "cheap-ass, watered-down scotch" and "cigars so poorly rolled they fall apart when you smoke them." He also lambasted magazines with pages so glossy that they're unreadable, and his wife's inability to gyrate and speak in a sexy manner during intercourse. "I've had it," Kingery told an assembled crowd of 2,000 at the State Capitol. "And I plan to drive legislation through the State Assembly to take action on these injustices." Gov. Kingery later recanted the statements, admitting he was "coked to the gills" at the time.

Is There Life on Mars?

NASA scientists recently discovered a Martian rock that may contain the remains of ancient life, raising the distinct possibility that we are not alone in the universe. What do you think?

How to Make a Newspaper Hat

I have two things I would like to say to the youth of today. First, kiss my blue-veined hiney! You're not fit to carry my coat, you insolent little bastards. Second, here is how to make a newspaper hat. I'm only going to tell you this once, so clean the wool out of your ears and listen up.

Lovable Cockney Charms Neighbors

CLOTTS, IN—The residents of Clotts have been getting quite an education in foreign cultures since the recent arrival of immigrant Nigel Edney, a real live Cockney from London, England. And with a colorful accent and a nimble wit to match, this tenacious teabag is fast capturing the hearts of his new neighbors.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Horoscope for the week of August 21, 1996

  • Aries

    Aries

    The stars indicate that it’s time to lose the love handles. Sew yourself into a bag with a dozen starving ferrets.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    If you are the type of person who faints at the sight of blood, you should plan to spend most of next week unconscious.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    A crazy mix-up will result in you being fatally stabbed, as crooked New York cops mistake you for Serpico, the internal affairs informer.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Venus descendant in the sign Cancer means trouble in your love life. Your wife will soon discover three different-colored lipstick stains on your underpants.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Constantly rising pressure on both the business front and at home can be easily relieved by drilling massive holes in your skull.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    The culmination of your life’s dream is in sight as your trusty half-gallon of Dewar’s-brand Scotch nears emptiness.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Financial reward is most definitely in your future. Keep scooping out those “take-a-penny” trays at the truckstops along I-90.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Scorpio should be ever-vigilant during the waning of the September moon. If you sleep at all during the coming month, demons will grind your corpse.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Earth and Love magicks are strong in the sign of Sagittarius this month. You will be buried alive by your spouse.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Beware of circular cycles this fortnight. Launch a pre-emptive strike against every round thing in your community.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Friends and family members will continue to disregard your sage advice. It’s up to you to decide whether or not they still deserve to have ears.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Despite your frequent warnings, the nurse will continue to pooh-pooh your fear of linoleum.
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