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Horoscope for the week of August 21, 1996

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Wow, Dad Really Went From Zero To 60 With Woodworking This Summer

PAGE, AZ—Expressing their astonishment as they once again heard the sound of their father using his circular saw in the garage despite his seemingly complete lack of interest in the craft prior to last month, the children of area man Sam Morgan, 52, confirmed Tuesday that, wow, their dad had really gone from zero to 60 with woodworking this summer.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:
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Horoscope for the week of August 21, 1996

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The stars indicate that it’s time to lose the love handles. Sew yourself into a bag with a dozen starving ferrets.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    If you are the type of person who faints at the sight of blood, you should plan to spend most of next week unconscious.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A crazy mix-up will result in you being fatally stabbed, as crooked New York cops mistake you for Serpico, the internal affairs informer.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Venus descendant in the sign Cancer means trouble in your love life. Your wife will soon discover three different-colored lipstick stains on your underpants.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Constantly rising pressure on both the business front and at home can be easily relieved by drilling massive holes in your skull.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The culmination of your life’s dream is in sight as your trusty half-gallon of Dewar’s-brand Scotch nears emptiness.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Financial reward is most definitely in your future. Keep scooping out those “take-a-penny” trays at the truckstops along I-90.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Scorpio should be ever-vigilant during the waning of the September moon. If you sleep at all during the coming month, demons will grind your corpse.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Earth and Love magicks are strong in the sign of Sagittarius this month. You will be buried alive by your spouse.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Beware of circular cycles this fortnight. Launch a pre-emptive strike against every round thing in your community.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Friends and family members will continue to disregard your sage advice. It’s up to you to decide whether or not they still deserve to have ears.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Despite your frequent warnings, the nurse will continue to pooh-pooh your fear of linoleum.

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