Aries | March 21 to April 19
You always thought an amoeba was a simple, single-celled organism, but the description seems to fit you perfectly.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You will be exasperated and embarrassed by your appearance on Fox's Let's Give A Million Bucks To The Guy With The Cleanest Underwear.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Your lawyer's closing arguments will hinge on the premise that you're too damned ugly to have even considered killing all those people.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Your real-estate investments won't seem so wise when the Dow crashes though the roof of the apartment complex you recently bought.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You will set a new record as the person most often struck by stray gunshots, flaming debris, and rampaging flightless birds escaping the circus.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
It may be time to reassess the risk/reward ratio of your nickel-counterfeiting operation.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
The war for your stomach escalates when the vitamin fortifications of your complete breakfast are destroyed by a single well-placed Bomb Pop.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
While no one will ever take your place in her heart, two tennis instructors, a bassist, and several of your friends have taken your place in her other areas.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
It does nothing to ease your pain when Miami Dolphins linebacker Zach Thomas is fined $7.25 for assaulting you at a fried-chicken restaurant.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Your characterization of your recent firing as a "Pyrrhic victory" illustrates your tendency to misinterpret classical references.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You're a guy who loves children. Which is good, as you're about to find out just how many you have.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
The stars wouldn't take the risks you do, but, hey, it's your life for the next six months or so.
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