adBlockCheck

Recent News

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
End Of Section
  • More News

Horoscope for the week of August 21, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You always thought an amoeba was a simple, single-celled organism, but the description seems to fit you perfectly.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will be exasperated and embarrassed by your appearance on Fox's Let's Give A Million Bucks To The Guy With The Cleanest Underwear.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your lawyer's closing arguments will hinge on the premise that you're too damned ugly to have even considered killing all those people.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your real-estate investments won't seem so wise when the Dow crashes though the roof of the apartment complex you recently bought.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will set a new record as the person most often struck by stray gunshots, flaming debris, and rampaging flightless birds escaping the circus.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It may be time to reassess the risk/reward ratio of your nickel-counterfeiting operation.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The war for your stomach escalates when the vitamin fortifications of your complete breakfast are destroyed by a single well-placed Bomb Pop.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    While no one will ever take your place in her heart, two tennis instructors, a bassist, and several of your friends have taken your place in her other areas.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    It does nothing to ease your pain when Miami Dolphins linebacker Zach Thomas is fined $7.25 for assaulting you at a fried-chicken restaurant.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your characterization of your recent firing as a "Pyrrhic victory" illustrates your tendency to misinterpret classical references.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You're a guy who loves children. Which is good, as you're about to find out just how many you have.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars wouldn't take the risks you do, but, hey, it's your life for the next six months or so.
More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close