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President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

Being A Mom Was The Best Four Years Of My Life!

As I get older, I find myself reflecting on my life more often and marveling at what an amazing journey it’s been. I’ve made tons of great friends, been to magnificent places all over the world, and learned so many important things about myself along the way. But if I’m being honest, there’s one period of my life that stands out from all the rest: those four incredible years when I was a mom.
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Horoscope for the week of August 21, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You always thought an amoeba was a simple, single-celled organism, but the description seems to fit you perfectly.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will be exasperated and embarrassed by your appearance on Fox's Let's Give A Million Bucks To The Guy With The Cleanest Underwear.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your lawyer's closing arguments will hinge on the premise that you're too damned ugly to have even considered killing all those people.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your real-estate investments won't seem so wise when the Dow crashes though the roof of the apartment complex you recently bought.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will set a new record as the person most often struck by stray gunshots, flaming debris, and rampaging flightless birds escaping the circus.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It may be time to reassess the risk/reward ratio of your nickel-counterfeiting operation.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The war for your stomach escalates when the vitamin fortifications of your complete breakfast are destroyed by a single well-placed Bomb Pop.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    While no one will ever take your place in her heart, two tennis instructors, a bassist, and several of your friends have taken your place in her other areas.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    It does nothing to ease your pain when Miami Dolphins linebacker Zach Thomas is fined $7.25 for assaulting you at a fried-chicken restaurant.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your characterization of your recent firing as a "Pyrrhic victory" illustrates your tendency to misinterpret classical references.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You're a guy who loves children. Which is good, as you're about to find out just how many you have.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars wouldn't take the risks you do, but, hey, it's your life for the next six months or so.

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