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Horoscope for the week of August 21, 2002

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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of August 21, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You always thought an amoeba was a simple, single-celled organism, but the description seems to fit you perfectly.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will be exasperated and embarrassed by your appearance on Fox's Let's Give A Million Bucks To The Guy With The Cleanest Underwear.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your lawyer's closing arguments will hinge on the premise that you're too damned ugly to have even considered killing all those people.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your real-estate investments won't seem so wise when the Dow crashes though the roof of the apartment complex you recently bought.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will set a new record as the person most often struck by stray gunshots, flaming debris, and rampaging flightless birds escaping the circus.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It may be time to reassess the risk/reward ratio of your nickel-counterfeiting operation.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The war for your stomach escalates when the vitamin fortifications of your complete breakfast are destroyed by a single well-placed Bomb Pop.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    While no one will ever take your place in her heart, two tennis instructors, a bassist, and several of your friends have taken your place in her other areas.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    It does nothing to ease your pain when Miami Dolphins linebacker Zach Thomas is fined $7.25 for assaulting you at a fried-chicken restaurant.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your characterization of your recent firing as a "Pyrrhic victory" illustrates your tendency to misinterpret classical references.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You're a guy who loves children. Which is good, as you're about to find out just how many you have.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars wouldn't take the risks you do, but, hey, it's your life for the next six months or so.

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