Horoscope for the week of August 21, 2002

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Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

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Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.
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Horoscope for the week of August 21, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You always thought an amoeba was a simple, single-celled organism, but the description seems to fit you perfectly.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will be exasperated and embarrassed by your appearance on Fox's Let's Give A Million Bucks To The Guy With The Cleanest Underwear.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your lawyer's closing arguments will hinge on the premise that you're too damned ugly to have even considered killing all those people.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your real-estate investments won't seem so wise when the Dow crashes though the roof of the apartment complex you recently bought.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will set a new record as the person most often struck by stray gunshots, flaming debris, and rampaging flightless birds escaping the circus.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It may be time to reassess the risk/reward ratio of your nickel-counterfeiting operation.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The war for your stomach escalates when the vitamin fortifications of your complete breakfast are destroyed by a single well-placed Bomb Pop.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    While no one will ever take your place in her heart, two tennis instructors, a bassist, and several of your friends have taken your place in her other areas.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    It does nothing to ease your pain when Miami Dolphins linebacker Zach Thomas is fined $7.25 for assaulting you at a fried-chicken restaurant.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your characterization of your recent firing as a "Pyrrhic victory" illustrates your tendency to misinterpret classical references.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You're a guy who loves children. Which is good, as you're about to find out just how many you have.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars wouldn't take the risks you do, but, hey, it's your life for the next six months or so.


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