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Horoscope for the week of August 21, 2002

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What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.
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Horoscope for the week of August 21, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You always thought an amoeba was a simple, single-celled organism, but the description seems to fit you perfectly.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will be exasperated and embarrassed by your appearance on Fox's Let's Give A Million Bucks To The Guy With The Cleanest Underwear.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your lawyer's closing arguments will hinge on the premise that you're too damned ugly to have even considered killing all those people.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your real-estate investments won't seem so wise when the Dow crashes though the roof of the apartment complex you recently bought.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will set a new record as the person most often struck by stray gunshots, flaming debris, and rampaging flightless birds escaping the circus.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It may be time to reassess the risk/reward ratio of your nickel-counterfeiting operation.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The war for your stomach escalates when the vitamin fortifications of your complete breakfast are destroyed by a single well-placed Bomb Pop.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    While no one will ever take your place in her heart, two tennis instructors, a bassist, and several of your friends have taken your place in her other areas.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    It does nothing to ease your pain when Miami Dolphins linebacker Zach Thomas is fined $7.25 for assaulting you at a fried-chicken restaurant.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your characterization of your recent firing as a "Pyrrhic victory" illustrates your tendency to misinterpret classical references.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You're a guy who loves children. Which is good, as you're about to find out just how many you have.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars wouldn't take the risks you do, but, hey, it's your life for the next six months or so.

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