Horoscope for the week of August 22, 2001

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Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

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Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

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Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.
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Horoscope for the week of August 22, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will finally begin to understand the events of last Thursday after studying the work of Taiwanese mathematician Shi-Shyr Roan.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    If jackalopes are imaginary, it raises the question of who or what has been doing your laundry all these months.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You're the kind of guy who, faced with the choice of either doing the pericardiocentesis or just pronouncing the patient dead, will pronounce him dead every time.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Quelling the unrest in the forest will severely limit the time you can spend with your prog-rock band this week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will be shocked to discover that the police no longer reimburse citizens for shooting people.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Next week will see you destroy a 60-foot sailboat, a 200-year-old country house, and a million-dollar racehorse, making you a legend at Harvard.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your mother still introduces you as her son the future doctor, even though you're a woman and dentist, and your mother's been dead for seven years.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Give in to progress this week. Replace that throne of skulls with a comfortable, ergonomic Aeron office chair.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    This is a great time for your career. Which isn't a good thing for everyone since you're a coroner, but hey.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your life story is a hit in the pages of Japan's Young Machine magazine, but it loses something in the translation to English.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The stars indicate that they know very well who ate the last of the cottage cheese and would appreciate you replacing it, thank you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    What people don't understand is that the drinking, casual sex, and off-color jokes are the only way of coping with the pressures of video-store clerking.


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