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Horoscope for the week of August 22, 2001

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How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements
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Horoscope for the week of August 22, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will finally begin to understand the events of last Thursday after studying the work of Taiwanese mathematician Shi-Shyr Roan.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    If jackalopes are imaginary, it raises the question of who or what has been doing your laundry all these months.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You're the kind of guy who, faced with the choice of either doing the pericardiocentesis or just pronouncing the patient dead, will pronounce him dead every time.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Quelling the unrest in the forest will severely limit the time you can spend with your prog-rock band this week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will be shocked to discover that the police no longer reimburse citizens for shooting people.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Next week will see you destroy a 60-foot sailboat, a 200-year-old country house, and a million-dollar racehorse, making you a legend at Harvard.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your mother still introduces you as her son the future doctor, even though you're a woman and dentist, and your mother's been dead for seven years.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Give in to progress this week. Replace that throne of skulls with a comfortable, ergonomic Aeron office chair.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    This is a great time for your career. Which isn't a good thing for everyone since you're a coroner, but hey.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your life story is a hit in the pages of Japan's Young Machine magazine, but it loses something in the translation to English.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The stars indicate that they know very well who ate the last of the cottage cheese and would appreciate you replacing it, thank you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    What people don't understand is that the drinking, casual sex, and off-color jokes are the only way of coping with the pressures of video-store clerking.

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