Horoscope for the week of August 22, 2001

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New York City Abuzz Over New Resident

NEW YORK—With word spreading rapidly through office towers, apartment buildings, and across all five boroughs, sources confirmed Friday that New Yorkers were abuzz over reports that a new resident had moved to the city.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 7, 2014

ARIES: Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.

Ranking Women Somehow Not Issue In Miss USA Debacle

NEW YORK—As backlash against the Miss USA pageant continues to spread following controversial anti-immigration remarks made by the contest’s owner, Donald Trump, sources confirmed this week that the overt ranking of women is somehow not a part of the ongoing nationwide outrage.

Insurance Only Covers Generic Heart Transplant

GALLATIN, TN—Saying he will just have to trust that the new organ he receives is as good as the other options out there, local man Keith Palmero confirmed Tuesday that his insurance provider would only cover a generic heart for his upcoming transplant surgery.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of August 22, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will finally begin to understand the events of last Thursday after studying the work of Taiwanese mathematician Shi-Shyr Roan.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    If jackalopes are imaginary, it raises the question of who or what has been doing your laundry all these months.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You're the kind of guy who, faced with the choice of either doing the pericardiocentesis or just pronouncing the patient dead, will pronounce him dead every time.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Quelling the unrest in the forest will severely limit the time you can spend with your prog-rock band this week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will be shocked to discover that the police no longer reimburse citizens for shooting people.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Next week will see you destroy a 60-foot sailboat, a 200-year-old country house, and a million-dollar racehorse, making you a legend at Harvard.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your mother still introduces you as her son the future doctor, even though you're a woman and dentist, and your mother's been dead for seven years.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Give in to progress this week. Replace that throne of skulls with a comfortable, ergonomic Aeron office chair.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    This is a great time for your career. Which isn't a good thing for everyone since you're a coroner, but hey.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your life story is a hit in the pages of Japan's Young Machine magazine, but it loses something in the translation to English.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The stars indicate that they know very well who ate the last of the cottage cheese and would appreciate you replacing it, thank you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    What people don't understand is that the drinking, casual sex, and off-color jokes are the only way of coping with the pressures of video-store clerking.
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