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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Horoscope for the week of August 22, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will finally begin to understand the events of last Thursday after studying the work of Taiwanese mathematician Shi-Shyr Roan.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    If jackalopes are imaginary, it raises the question of who or what has been doing your laundry all these months.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You're the kind of guy who, faced with the choice of either doing the pericardiocentesis or just pronouncing the patient dead, will pronounce him dead every time.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Quelling the unrest in the forest will severely limit the time you can spend with your prog-rock band this week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will be shocked to discover that the police no longer reimburse citizens for shooting people.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Next week will see you destroy a 60-foot sailboat, a 200-year-old country house, and a million-dollar racehorse, making you a legend at Harvard.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your mother still introduces you as her son the future doctor, even though you're a woman and dentist, and your mother's been dead for seven years.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Give in to progress this week. Replace that throne of skulls with a comfortable, ergonomic Aeron office chair.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    This is a great time for your career. Which isn't a good thing for everyone since you're a coroner, but hey.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your life story is a hit in the pages of Japan's Young Machine magazine, but it loses something in the translation to English.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The stars indicate that they know very well who ate the last of the cottage cheese and would appreciate you replacing it, thank you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    What people don't understand is that the drinking, casual sex, and off-color jokes are the only way of coping with the pressures of video-store clerking.

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