Horoscope for the week of August 22, 2001

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Vol 37 Issue 29

Friend's Wife Encountered Twice A Year

GERMANTOWN, TN—Local resident Wayne Beller has encountered Dennis Sharp's wife 12 times during the pair's six-year friendship. "For some reason, it's always twice a year," Whitman said Monday. "So far, I've run into [Sherri Sharp] once this year, when I returned Dennis' Roto-Tiller in early June. I'll probably see her again at some party around Christmastime, and that'll be it." Beller added that Sherri "seems nice enough."

Partygoers Drunkenly Recite 4-H Pledge

MISSOULA, MT—The 4-H pledge was drunkenly recalled Saturday, when a trio of former 4-H members recited the international youth organization's oath between swigs of beer at a house party. "I pledge my Head to clearer thinking, my Heart to greater loyalty, my Hands to larger service, and my Health to better living," shouted a heavily intoxicated Benjamin Brower, 29, who was active in 4-H from 1984 to 1986. "Holy shit, I can't believe I still remember that." The nostalgic group chant was followed by an attempt to recall what "Webelos" stands for.

Semiotics Department Accuses University Administration Of Anti-Semiotism

PROVIDENCE, RI—After years of budget cuts and downsizing, Brown University's Semiotics Department lashed out at school administrators Monday, accusing them of "blatant anti-semiotism." "How can such shamefully anti-semiotic acts be condoned in an enlightened society?" asked professor Don Frisch. "It deeply saddens me that in the year 2001, there are still people out there who discriminate against a group of people just because they engage in the study of signs and symbols, especially as elements of language or other systems of communication." Frisch said he is outraged that his department has been relegated to the academic ghetto.

According To Nutritional Information, Local Man Just Had 16 Servings Of Fritos

WAUKESHA, WI—According to the nutritional information on the back of a bag of Fritos, area resident Jerry Ploeg just ate 16 servings of the popular corn chip. "Wow, I didn't realize there were so many servings in there," Ploeg said Tuesday, moments after finishing off the bag, which contained 220 grams of fat and 1,200 percent of the USRDA for sodium. "How big is a serving, anyway?" Ploeg then washed the Fritos down with five servings of Dr. Pepper.

Bank Robbers Fail To Consider O'Reilly Factor

PITTSBURGH, PA—Would-be bank robbers Anthony Nesco, 34, and James Dumas, 36, were foiled Monday after failing to take into account the O'Reilly Factor. "Before they charged into [Fidelity Savings Bank] waving their guns, those two creeps should have thought about me and my tough-talking, straight-shooting, no-nonsense style," said Bill O'Reilly, host of Fox News Channel's The O'Reilly Factor and author of a best-selling book of the same name. "Normally, I take no prisoners, but I'll make an exception in the case of these two crum-bums: Lock 'em up and throw away the key, I say." O'Reilly added that it's absolutely ridiculous, the money these moddycoddled pro athletes make these days.

The Clone Wars

Across the U.S. and on Capitol Hill, debate is raging on the issue of human cloning. What do you think?

The Teacher Shortage

America is suffering a severe shortage of schoolteachers. What incentives are being offered to draw more people to the profession?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of August 22, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries

    You will finally begin to understand the events of last Thursday after studying the work of Taiwanese mathematician Shi-Shyr Roan.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    If jackalopes are imaginary, it raises the question of who or what has been doing your laundry all these months.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You're the kind of guy who, faced with the choice of either doing the pericardiocentesis or just pronouncing the patient dead, will pronounce him dead every time.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Quelling the unrest in the forest will severely limit the time you can spend with your prog-rock band this week.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You will be shocked to discover that the police no longer reimburse citizens for shooting people.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Next week will see you destroy a 60-foot sailboat, a 200-year-old country house, and a million-dollar racehorse, making you a legend at Harvard.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Your mother still introduces you as her son the future doctor, even though you're a woman and dentist, and your mother's been dead for seven years.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Give in to progress this week. Replace that throne of skulls with a comfortable, ergonomic Aeron office chair.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    This is a great time for your career. Which isn't a good thing for everyone since you're a coroner, but hey.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Your life story is a hit in the pages of Japan's Young Machine magazine, but it loses something in the translation to English.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    The stars indicate that they know very well who ate the last of the cottage cheese and would appreciate you replacing it, thank you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    What people don't understand is that the drinking, casual sex, and off-color jokes are the only way of coping with the pressures of video-store clerking.
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