Horoscope for the week of August 23, 2000

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Child’s Loose Grasp On Balloon Only Thing Between Peace And Anarchy At Restaurant

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Eating their meals and conversing pleasantly without paying any heed to how loosely the string was wrapped around the young child’s finger, diners at a local Panera Bread reportedly went about their lunch Wednesday completely unaware that 2-year-old Nate Pollen’s tenuous grasp on a red helium balloon was the only thing standing between peace and total anarchy.

Biologists Still No Closer To Discovering How Birds Have Sex

BERKELEY, CA—With not a single scientist having successfully observed the behavior despite extensive ongoing research, the field of biology has made no progress in its understanding of how birds have sex, experts at the University of California told reporters Wednesday.

Best Buy Employee Wearing Different Colored Shirt For Some Reason

‘His Shirt Is Black,’ Confused Customers Say

FAIRFAX, VA—Eyeing the staff member with wariness and confusion, customers at the Fair City Mall Best Buy location confirmed Wednesday that one of the store’s employees was, for some reason, wearing a black shirt rather than a blue one like the rest of his coworkers.

Nobel Peace Prize Candidates

There are 273 candidates for the Nobel Peace Prize this year, the second-highest number of nominees ever, and the laureate(s) will be announced Friday before the prize ceremony in December. Here are some notable candidates for this year’s award:
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Horoscope for the week of August 23, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Stop complaining that no one cares if you live or die. It's only half true.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your frequent boasts of being a real lady-killer will finally gain some credence when an FBI forensics team digs up your backyard.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The stars would like to tell you about the naked ladies and the $50 billion in Nazi gold, but if you didn't believe us about the dark stranger, you'll never buy this.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Cancer has had a real hard time lately, what with Mrs. Cancer moving out and all, so why don't you just decide your own damn destiny this week? Assholes.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will take a long journey, half of it over water, the other half plunging down through the water in a mass of still-burning jet fuel and twisted aluminum.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Once the initial uproar over the killer bees has died down, attention will turn to the Virgo who placed them in the HVAC system. Plead no contest.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    In a nutshell: Everybody knows. They hate you for it. They're absolutely right to feel that way. It will be born dead.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your date with Dave will go swimmingly until the part in which the waiter turns out to be an escaped zoo monkey.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Christ Himself couldn't save you from what Fate has in store for you this week, but it sure is nice that He showed up to tell you Himself.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll have another one of "those dreams," but at least this time you won't wake up to find your pillow missing.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    If someone says "the," "a," or "and" to you one more time, you're gonna scream.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Pisces is getting the feeling that you never pay it any attention unless you want something.