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Horoscope for the week of August 23, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Stop complaining that no one cares if you live or die. It's only half true.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your frequent boasts of being a real lady-killer will finally gain some credence when an FBI forensics team digs up your backyard.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The stars would like to tell you about the naked ladies and the $50 billion in Nazi gold, but if you didn't believe us about the dark stranger, you'll never buy this.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Cancer has had a real hard time lately, what with Mrs. Cancer moving out and all, so why don't you just decide your own damn destiny this week? Assholes.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will take a long journey, half of it over water, the other half plunging down through the water in a mass of still-burning jet fuel and twisted aluminum.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Once the initial uproar over the killer bees has died down, attention will turn to the Virgo who placed them in the HVAC system. Plead no contest.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    In a nutshell: Everybody knows. They hate you for it. They're absolutely right to feel that way. It will be born dead.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your date with Dave will go swimmingly until the part in which the waiter turns out to be an escaped zoo monkey.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Christ Himself couldn't save you from what Fate has in store for you this week, but it sure is nice that He showed up to tell you Himself.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll have another one of "those dreams," but at least this time you won't wake up to find your pillow missing.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    If someone says "the," "a," or "and" to you one more time, you're gonna scream.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Pisces is getting the feeling that you never pay it any attention unless you want something.

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