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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Horoscope for the week of August 23, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Stop complaining that no one cares if you live or die. It's only half true.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your frequent boasts of being a real lady-killer will finally gain some credence when an FBI forensics team digs up your backyard.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The stars would like to tell you about the naked ladies and the $50 billion in Nazi gold, but if you didn't believe us about the dark stranger, you'll never buy this.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Cancer has had a real hard time lately, what with Mrs. Cancer moving out and all, so why don't you just decide your own damn destiny this week? Assholes.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will take a long journey, half of it over water, the other half plunging down through the water in a mass of still-burning jet fuel and twisted aluminum.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Once the initial uproar over the killer bees has died down, attention will turn to the Virgo who placed them in the HVAC system. Plead no contest.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    In a nutshell: Everybody knows. They hate you for it. They're absolutely right to feel that way. It will be born dead.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your date with Dave will go swimmingly until the part in which the waiter turns out to be an escaped zoo monkey.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Christ Himself couldn't save you from what Fate has in store for you this week, but it sure is nice that He showed up to tell you Himself.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll have another one of "those dreams," but at least this time you won't wake up to find your pillow missing.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    If someone says "the," "a," or "and" to you one more time, you're gonna scream.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Pisces is getting the feeling that you never pay it any attention unless you want something.

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