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Horoscope for the week of August 23, 2000

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How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
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Horoscope for the week of August 23, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Stop complaining that no one cares if you live or die. It's only half true.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your frequent boasts of being a real lady-killer will finally gain some credence when an FBI forensics team digs up your backyard.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The stars would like to tell you about the naked ladies and the $50 billion in Nazi gold, but if you didn't believe us about the dark stranger, you'll never buy this.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Cancer has had a real hard time lately, what with Mrs. Cancer moving out and all, so why don't you just decide your own damn destiny this week? Assholes.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will take a long journey, half of it over water, the other half plunging down through the water in a mass of still-burning jet fuel and twisted aluminum.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Once the initial uproar over the killer bees has died down, attention will turn to the Virgo who placed them in the HVAC system. Plead no contest.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    In a nutshell: Everybody knows. They hate you for it. They're absolutely right to feel that way. It will be born dead.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your date with Dave will go swimmingly until the part in which the waiter turns out to be an escaped zoo monkey.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Christ Himself couldn't save you from what Fate has in store for you this week, but it sure is nice that He showed up to tell you Himself.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll have another one of "those dreams," but at least this time you won't wake up to find your pillow missing.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    If someone says "the," "a," or "and" to you one more time, you're gonna scream.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Pisces is getting the feeling that you never pay it any attention unless you want something.

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