Aries | March 21 to April 19
You're normally the type of rational, level-headed person who doesn't believe in magic, but you have no other explanation for all the rabbits and pigeons in that man's tuxedo.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
For years, people have gone to universities and academies to hone their young minds, but you are 100 percent convinced that your trick of working yours firmly against an oiled whetstone does the job faster and just as well.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
It may have been a unique way to propose marriage, but you wish that your husband woud simply pick up the phone and call you, rather than renting the Jumbotron every time he has something to say.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You'll finally achieve closure this week, just when it seemed your life would go on interminably.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Turns out the "jackalope" is merely a taxidermist's trick, which explains why the one you managed to catch tasted so goddamn bad.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You're still young, but eventually, you will learn that wearing sandals is no way for a man to go through his life on this earth.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You're extremely excited about the new breakthroughs in plastic surgery, until you realize they still cannot turn you entirely to plastic.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You don't care if time travel is currently believed to be a physical impossibility. There is not a doubt in your mind that that is you, second from left in the "The Last Supper."
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
After swearing lifelong fellatio to the Marine Corps of the United States of America, you'll be introduced to a red-faced young recruiter who mistakenly believes you don't know what the word means.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You'll finally hook up with that cute young guy from the health club when a hot-oil hair treatment sends you to the burn ward where he's a doctor.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Romance will bloom all around you this week, leaving you alone and desolate in the eye of a veritable romance hurricane.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You've traveled halfway around the world and seen things you never would have otherwise, but you're starting to think that moving dollar bill might have some sort of string attached to it.
WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION