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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Horoscope for the week of August 24, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You're normally the type of rational, level-headed person who doesn't believe in magic, but you have no other explanation for all the rabbits and pigeons in that man's tuxedo.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    For years, people have gone to universities and academies to hone their young minds, but you are 100 percent convinced that your trick of working yours firmly against an oiled whetstone does the job faster and just as well.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It may have been a unique way to propose marriage, but you wish that your husband woud simply pick up the phone and call you, rather than renting the Jumbotron every time he has something to say.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll finally achieve closure this week, just when it seemed your life would go on interminably.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Turns out the "jackalope" is merely a taxidermist's trick, which explains why the one you managed to catch tasted so goddamn bad.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You're still young, but eventually, you will learn that wearing sandals is no way for a man to go through his life on this earth.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You're extremely excited about the new breakthroughs in plastic surgery, until you realize they still cannot turn you entirely to plastic.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You don't care if time travel is currently believed to be a physical impossibility. There is not a doubt in your mind that that is you, second from left in the "The Last Supper."
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    After swearing lifelong fellatio to the Marine Corps of the United States of America, you'll be introduced to a red-faced young recruiter who mistakenly believes you don't know what the word means.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll finally hook up with that cute young guy from the health club when a hot-oil hair treatment sends you to the burn ward where he's a doctor.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Romance will bloom all around you this week, leaving you alone and desolate in the eye of a veritable romance hurricane.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You've traveled halfway around the world and seen things you never would have otherwise, but you're starting to think that moving dollar bill might have some sort of string attached to it.

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