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Horoscope for the week of August 24, 2005

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How Fashion Trends Arise

With the growing popularity of “fast fashion,” or designs that move quickly from the runway to retail chains, many wonder how their favorite styles first arise. The Onion breaks down the process step by step

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

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Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

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Horoscope for the week of August 24, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You're normally the type of rational, level-headed person who doesn't believe in magic, but you have no other explanation for all the rabbits and pigeons in that man's tuxedo.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    For years, people have gone to universities and academies to hone their young minds, but you are 100 percent convinced that your trick of working yours firmly against an oiled whetstone does the job faster and just as well.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It may have been a unique way to propose marriage, but you wish that your husband woud simply pick up the phone and call you, rather than renting the Jumbotron every time he has something to say.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll finally achieve closure this week, just when it seemed your life would go on interminably.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Turns out the "jackalope" is merely a taxidermist's trick, which explains why the one you managed to catch tasted so goddamn bad.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You're still young, but eventually, you will learn that wearing sandals is no way for a man to go through his life on this earth.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You're extremely excited about the new breakthroughs in plastic surgery, until you realize they still cannot turn you entirely to plastic.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You don't care if time travel is currently believed to be a physical impossibility. There is not a doubt in your mind that that is you, second from left in the "The Last Supper."
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    After swearing lifelong fellatio to the Marine Corps of the United States of America, you'll be introduced to a red-faced young recruiter who mistakenly believes you don't know what the word means.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll finally hook up with that cute young guy from the health club when a hot-oil hair treatment sends you to the burn ward where he's a doctor.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Romance will bloom all around you this week, leaving you alone and desolate in the eye of a veritable romance hurricane.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You've traveled halfway around the world and seen things you never would have otherwise, but you're starting to think that moving dollar bill might have some sort of string attached to it.

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