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As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Horoscope for the week of August 25, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You can't figure out why you're always dreaming about having sex with John Madden. After all, you have lots of sex with John Madden while you're awake.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The nicest word used during your personal beauty consultation will turn out to be "sturdy."
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Try as they might, doctors will be unable to figure out your unwholesome obsession with Katharine Hepburn. Everyone knows that Audrey was the hot one.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Jesus knows He promised to love you until the end of the world, but He expected it to have ended it by now.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You've always said that life is like a Busby Berkeley number, but after getting past the clothes, you find that the analogy starts to break down.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The pitter-patter of little feet will soon be heard around your house. So will the wet sussurations of gigantic tongues.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    After many false starts and long periods of inactivity, you finally finish the novel you started years ago in college.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be hunted down like a dog by TV's Mr. Food. He must have found out about you and Mrs. Food.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Unease enters your life this week in the form of a cute kitten. It doesn't seem like the kind of thing that should make you uneasy, but that's the creepy part.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will be unable to look at your new love interest without a jaundiced eye. Consider having that jaundice looked at.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Try as you might, you just can't for the life of you figure out what that poetry stuff is supposed to be for.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You somehow acquire the ability to understand what animals are saying and are shocked to learn that they've been telling you to go screw yourself for years.

More from this section

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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