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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Horoscope for the week of August 25, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You can't figure out why you're always dreaming about having sex with John Madden. After all, you have lots of sex with John Madden while you're awake.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The nicest word used during your personal beauty consultation will turn out to be "sturdy."
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Try as they might, doctors will be unable to figure out your unwholesome obsession with Katharine Hepburn. Everyone knows that Audrey was the hot one.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Jesus knows He promised to love you until the end of the world, but He expected it to have ended it by now.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You've always said that life is like a Busby Berkeley number, but after getting past the clothes, you find that the analogy starts to break down.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The pitter-patter of little feet will soon be heard around your house. So will the wet sussurations of gigantic tongues.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    After many false starts and long periods of inactivity, you finally finish the novel you started years ago in college.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be hunted down like a dog by TV's Mr. Food. He must have found out about you and Mrs. Food.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Unease enters your life this week in the form of a cute kitten. It doesn't seem like the kind of thing that should make you uneasy, but that's the creepy part.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will be unable to look at your new love interest without a jaundiced eye. Consider having that jaundice looked at.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Try as you might, you just can't for the life of you figure out what that poetry stuff is supposed to be for.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You somehow acquire the ability to understand what animals are saying and are shocked to learn that they've been telling you to go screw yourself for years.

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