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Horoscope for the week of August 25, 1999

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How Fashion Trends Arise

With the growing popularity of “fast fashion,” or designs that move quickly from the runway to retail chains, many wonder how their favorite styles first arise. The Onion breaks down the process step by step

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.
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Horoscope for the week of August 25, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You can't figure out why you're always dreaming about having sex with John Madden. After all, you have lots of sex with John Madden while you're awake.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The nicest word used during your personal beauty consultation will turn out to be "sturdy."
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Try as they might, doctors will be unable to figure out your unwholesome obsession with Katharine Hepburn. Everyone knows that Audrey was the hot one.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Jesus knows He promised to love you until the end of the world, but He expected it to have ended it by now.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You've always said that life is like a Busby Berkeley number, but after getting past the clothes, you find that the analogy starts to break down.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The pitter-patter of little feet will soon be heard around your house. So will the wet sussurations of gigantic tongues.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    After many false starts and long periods of inactivity, you finally finish the novel you started years ago in college.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be hunted down like a dog by TV's Mr. Food. He must have found out about you and Mrs. Food.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Unease enters your life this week in the form of a cute kitten. It doesn't seem like the kind of thing that should make you uneasy, but that's the creepy part.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will be unable to look at your new love interest without a jaundiced eye. Consider having that jaundice looked at.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Try as you might, you just can't for the life of you figure out what that poetry stuff is supposed to be for.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You somehow acquire the ability to understand what animals are saying and are shocked to learn that they've been telling you to go screw yourself for years.

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