Horoscope for the week of August 25, 1999

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Horrifying Police Body Camera Footage Clearly Shows Current State Of America

CINCINNATI—Following a traffic stop earlier this month by a University of Cincinnati police officer that ended in the shooting death of an unarmed black motorist, authorities confirmed Thursday that the disturbing video recorded by the officer’s body camera clearly and graphically shows the current state of America.

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Coworkers Pull Off Daring One-Hour Lunch Break

TUCSON, AZ—Saying they couldn’t believe such a wild exploit had even been attempted, employees at local marketing firm Synergy Media Services told reporters they were still completely dumbfounded Thursday after account manager Tim Gibbons managed to pull off a daring one-hour lunch break.

Horoscope for the week of August 25, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You can't figure out why you're always dreaming about having sex with John Madden. After all, you have lots of sex with John Madden while you're awake.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The nicest word used during your personal beauty consultation will turn out to be "sturdy."
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Try as they might, doctors will be unable to figure out your unwholesome obsession with Katharine Hepburn. Everyone knows that Audrey was the hot one.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Jesus knows He promised to love you until the end of the world, but He expected it to have ended it by now.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You've always said that life is like a Busby Berkeley number, but after getting past the clothes, you find that the analogy starts to break down.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The pitter-patter of little feet will soon be heard around your house. So will the wet sussurations of gigantic tongues.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    After many false starts and long periods of inactivity, you finally finish the novel you started years ago in college.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be hunted down like a dog by TV's Mr. Food. He must have found out about you and Mrs. Food.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Unease enters your life this week in the form of a cute kitten. It doesn't seem like the kind of thing that should make you uneasy, but that's the creepy part.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will be unable to look at your new love interest without a jaundiced eye. Consider having that jaundice looked at.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Try as you might, you just can't for the life of you figure out what that poetry stuff is supposed to be for.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You somehow acquire the ability to understand what animals are saying and are shocked to learn that they've been telling you to go screw yourself for years.