Horoscope for the week of August 25, 1999

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Vol 35 Issue 30

Serial Killer Remembers Neighbors As Quiet, Unsuspecting

DOTHAN, AL—Arrested Monday in connection with a 17-month killing spree that claimed the lives of 23 people, alleged serial killer Henry Wayne Vaughn recalled his numerous neighbors as "quiet and unsuspecting." "The Blaines were nice people who pretty much kept to themselves," Vaughn said of Michael and Meredith Blaine, a young couple who lived across the street from the serial killer until their deaths on Oct. 9, 1998. "They always seemed very cordial and extremely trusting." Vaughn also fondly remembered the neighborly spirit of the Baggios of Juniper Street. "I paid their kid to mow my lawn once," he said, "and after that it was as if we were old friends." Vaughn also praised his postman as extremely polite and helpful, noting, "He'd come right into your basement if you said you needed help reaching something."

Struggling Local Theater Space Put Out Of Its Misery

MN—Refusing to let the dying theater space suffer any longer, compassionate Duluth civic leaders signed legislation Monday euthanizing the Crescent Street Playhouse, which had been fighting to raise awareness of itself throughout virtually all of its 14th year of existence. "We did all we could," said councilman Willard Hogue. "But by the end, that poor theater was just a shell of its former self. It's never easy to look into the eyes of a repertory company and tell it the end is near, but when that moment came, even the cast of True West admitted it was sort of a relief."

Ostrich-Farm Employee 'Asking For It,' Say Witnesses

TUCUMCARI, NM—Witnesses to Monday's vicious ostrich attack on farmhand Steve Padgett say the recently hired Ostrich Acres employee was "definitely asking for everything he got." "That guy was harassing that bird," farm visitor Brenda Arons said. "He should've thought about what he was getting himself into." Padgett co-worker Jim Twilley agreed, saying, "Gertie has put up with a lot from Steve since he started working here. I say it's about time he got what was coming to him." Padgett is hospitalized and in stable condition after sustaining numerous injuries, including severe cranial trauma and four broken ribs, in the flightless creature's assault.

Evolution In Our Schools

On Aug. 11 the Kansas Board of Education approved new science standards which de-emphasize the teaching of evolution. What do you think of this controversial decision?

Presence Of Three Round Objects Triggers Juggling Reflex In Local Man

ST. JOSEPH, MO—The juggling reflex of area resident Joel Brodhagen was triggered Tuesday, when a lemon, potato and spherical votive candle all appeared in his range of vision. "Hey, check it out, Henry!" the 33-year-old juggling enthusiast exclaimed to uninterested friend Henry Graves as he kept the objects airborne for nearly three minutes. "Whoa, almost lost it there!" Other objects recently juggled reflexively by Brodhagen include an apple, a Koosh ball and a souvenir snow globe from Niagara Falls.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of August 25, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries

    You can't figure out why you're always dreaming about having sex with John Madden. After all, you have lots of sex with John Madden while you're awake.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    The nicest word used during your personal beauty consultation will turn out to be "sturdy."
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Try as they might, doctors will be unable to figure out your unwholesome obsession with Katharine Hepburn. Everyone knows that Audrey was the hot one.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Jesus knows He promised to love you until the end of the world, but He expected it to have ended it by now.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You've always said that life is like a Busby Berkeley number, but after getting past the clothes, you find that the analogy starts to break down.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    The pitter-patter of little feet will soon be heard around your house. So will the wet sussurations of gigantic tongues.
  • Libra

    Libra

    After many false starts and long periods of inactivity, you finally finish the novel you started years ago in college.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You will be hunted down like a dog by TV's Mr. Food. He must have found out about you and Mrs. Food.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Unease enters your life this week in the form of a cute kitten. It doesn't seem like the kind of thing that should make you uneasy, but that's the creepy part.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You will be unable to look at your new love interest without a jaundiced eye. Consider having that jaundice looked at.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Try as you might, you just can't for the life of you figure out what that poetry stuff is supposed to be for.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You somehow acquire the ability to understand what animals are saying and are shocked to learn that they've been telling you to go screw yourself for years.
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