Aries | March 21 to April 19
You can't figure out why you're always dreaming about having sex with John Madden. After all, you have lots of sex with John Madden while you're awake.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The nicest word used during your personal beauty consultation will turn out to be "sturdy."
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Try as they might, doctors will be unable to figure out your unwholesome obsession with Katharine Hepburn. Everyone knows that Audrey was the hot one.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Jesus knows He promised to love you until the end of the world, but He expected it to have ended it by now.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You've always said that life is like a Busby Berkeley number, but after getting past the clothes, you find that the analogy starts to break down.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
The pitter-patter of little feet will soon be heard around your house. So will the wet sussurations of gigantic tongues.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
After many false starts and long periods of inactivity, you finally finish the novel you started years ago in college.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You will be hunted down like a dog by TV's Mr. Food. He must have found out about you and Mrs. Food.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Unease enters your life this week in the form of a cute kitten. It doesn't seem like the kind of thing that should make you uneasy, but that's the creepy part.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You will be unable to look at your new love interest without a jaundiced eye. Consider having that jaundice looked at.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Try as you might, you just can't for the life of you figure out what that poetry stuff is supposed to be for.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You somehow acquire the ability to understand what animals are saying and are shocked to learn that they've been telling you to go screw yourself for years.
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