Horoscope for the week of August 25, 2004

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Vol 40 Issue 34

Prizes On Price Is Right Looking Better As Man Ages

YORBA LINDA, CA—Local electrician Ryan DeRegotis, 35, said Tuesday that the prizes on The Price Is Right look more appealing every year. "I gotta say, a dinette set and a china cabinet would be nice," DeRegotis said. "If I were called out of the studio audience, I'd be thrilled to win something as practical as a washer and dryer. Do you have any idea how expensive those things are?" DeRegotis added that he wouldn't turn up his nose at a year's supply of Rice-A-Roni.

Salad Rendered Unhealthy In Three Steps

PINE BLUFF, AR—A nutritious meal was rendered unhealthy in three easy steps Monday, when area resident Kimberly Lowen, 24, added ranch dressing, grated cheese, and four crumbled strips of bacon to a bowl of romaine lettuce and tomatoes. "Who says not eating right has to take a lot of time?" Lowen said. "It only took minutes to prepare a salad that will provide me with my daily recommended intake of fat and sodium." Lowen has previously rendered a glass of skim milk unhealthy, simply by adding ice cubes and chocolate syrup and mixing it in a blender on low.

Swing States Roughed Up By Bush, Kerry Operatives

WASHINGTON, DC—The 22 battleground states in the 2004 presidential election said Monday that they have received threats, both direct and veiled, from Kerry and Bush campaign operatives. "Now, you listen up, Iowa—you're voting for Kerry, see, and you're gonna like it," an unidentified Kerry-Edwards thug allegedly told the Midwestern state, which controls seven electoral votes. "Youse got some real nice agribusiness in your state. Sure would be a shame to see you lose it. Get the picture?" In a similar vein, should Ohio's 20 votes not end up in the red column, a team of Bush's goons has allegedly threatened to throw the state's several thousand wheelchair-bound grandmothers down a flight of stairs.

What's Hot Besides The Weather? Find Out Here!

This is a special edition of The Outside Scoop. It's time for the Jackie Harvey Hot List! This is where I make my picks on the big things to watch for in 2004, by declaring them "hot." And, in this case, it's not the humidity heating things up. Grab a Popsicle and let's go!

The Widening Income Gap

According to a recent report based on census data, the gap between the rich and poor widened in 2003. What do you think?

T.G.I. Friday's Given One Last Shot

HOUSTON—In spite of experiences he has had with T.G.I. Friday's in the past, Nate Greisberg has decided to give the popular restaurant a final chance, the 29-year-old told reporters Monday.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Comedy

Horoscope for the week of August 25, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries

    Your love is dead, but dead love is not like a dead person. All the car batteries, radioactive injections, and monkey extract in the world won't bring it back.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Certain factors beyond your control—albeit not beyond your comprehension—will prevent you from being initiated into the Sapphic mysteries.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You always thought ghosts could fly, walk through walls, and commune with those yet living, but you'll just have to be content with knocking over the occasional teacup.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You've always considered yourself something of a shutterbug, but that's certainly not what the Interpol agents who confiscate your hard drive will call you.
  • Leo

    Leo

    They say beggars can't be choosers, but to hell with them—you don't feel like going to the soup kitchen.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You really shouldn't let the weather get you down—unless, of course, you call a rain of house-sized asteroids "weather."
  • Libra

    Libra

    People are fond of saying that teaching a pig to sing will just waste your time and annoy the pig, once again undervaluing the importance of education.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Your "nationwide rollout" of a new women's razor will make headlines, but it certainly won't be in the business section.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Brave men and women of the revolution will sacrifice their lives, fortunes, and sacred honor to free you from your chains, but their music really sucks.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    There may not even be an NHL season this year, so it won't make a ripple when you nearly kill a guy with a hockey stick.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    They say poetry is the unwatered wine of life, but regular old watered wine has always been good enough for you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    The stars usually concern themselves with your future, but they just wanted to remind you that at this time last year, you were "very seriously" considering law school.
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