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Horoscope for the week of August 25, 2004

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Wow, Dad Really Went From Zero To 60 With Woodworking This Summer

PAGE, AZ—Expressing their astonishment as they once again heard the sound of their father using his circular saw in the garage despite his seemingly complete lack of interest in the craft prior to last month, the children of area man Sam Morgan, 52, confirmed Tuesday that, wow, their dad had really gone from zero to 60 with woodworking this summer.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.
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Horoscope for the week of August 25, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your love is dead, but dead love is not like a dead person. All the car batteries, radioactive injections, and monkey extract in the world won't bring it back.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Certain factors beyond your control—albeit not beyond your comprehension—will prevent you from being initiated into the Sapphic mysteries.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You always thought ghosts could fly, walk through walls, and commune with those yet living, but you'll just have to be content with knocking over the occasional teacup.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You've always considered yourself something of a shutterbug, but that's certainly not what the Interpol agents who confiscate your hard drive will call you.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    They say beggars can't be choosers, but to hell with them—you don't feel like going to the soup kitchen.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You really shouldn't let the weather get you down—unless, of course, you call a rain of house-sized asteroids "weather."
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    People are fond of saying that teaching a pig to sing will just waste your time and annoy the pig, once again undervaluing the importance of education.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your "nationwide rollout" of a new women's razor will make headlines, but it certainly won't be in the business section.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Brave men and women of the revolution will sacrifice their lives, fortunes, and sacred honor to free you from your chains, but their music really sucks.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    There may not even be an NHL season this year, so it won't make a ripple when you nearly kill a guy with a hockey stick.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    They say poetry is the unwatered wine of life, but regular old watered wine has always been good enough for you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars usually concern themselves with your future, but they just wanted to remind you that at this time last year, you were "very seriously" considering law school.

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