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Horoscope for the week of August 25, 2004

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The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Facebook Clarifies Site Not Intended To Be Users’ Primary Information Source

‘No One Should Really Be On Here More Than 15 Minutes A Day,’ Say Executives

MENLO PARK, CA—Addressing concerns about the site’s alleged bias in how it displays news stories in users’ feeds, Facebook executives held a press conference Thursday to clarify that the social network was not intended to serve as anyone’s primary source of information, and that its 1.6 billion active users should, at most, be spending 15 minutes on the platform in a given day in the first place.

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.
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Horoscope for the week of August 25, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your love is dead, but dead love is not like a dead person. All the car batteries, radioactive injections, and monkey extract in the world won't bring it back.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Certain factors beyond your control—albeit not beyond your comprehension—will prevent you from being initiated into the Sapphic mysteries.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You always thought ghosts could fly, walk through walls, and commune with those yet living, but you'll just have to be content with knocking over the occasional teacup.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You've always considered yourself something of a shutterbug, but that's certainly not what the Interpol agents who confiscate your hard drive will call you.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    They say beggars can't be choosers, but to hell with them—you don't feel like going to the soup kitchen.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You really shouldn't let the weather get you down—unless, of course, you call a rain of house-sized asteroids "weather."
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    People are fond of saying that teaching a pig to sing will just waste your time and annoy the pig, once again undervaluing the importance of education.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your "nationwide rollout" of a new women's razor will make headlines, but it certainly won't be in the business section.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Brave men and women of the revolution will sacrifice their lives, fortunes, and sacred honor to free you from your chains, but their music really sucks.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    There may not even be an NHL season this year, so it won't make a ripple when you nearly kill a guy with a hockey stick.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    They say poetry is the unwatered wine of life, but regular old watered wine has always been good enough for you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars usually concern themselves with your future, but they just wanted to remind you that at this time last year, you were "very seriously" considering law school.

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