adBlockCheck

Horoscope for the week of August 25, 2004

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Horoscope for the week of August 25, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your love is dead, but dead love is not like a dead person. All the car batteries, radioactive injections, and monkey extract in the world won't bring it back.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Certain factors beyond your control—albeit not beyond your comprehension—will prevent you from being initiated into the Sapphic mysteries.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You always thought ghosts could fly, walk through walls, and commune with those yet living, but you'll just have to be content with knocking over the occasional teacup.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You've always considered yourself something of a shutterbug, but that's certainly not what the Interpol agents who confiscate your hard drive will call you.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    They say beggars can't be choosers, but to hell with them—you don't feel like going to the soup kitchen.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You really shouldn't let the weather get you down—unless, of course, you call a rain of house-sized asteroids "weather."
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    People are fond of saying that teaching a pig to sing will just waste your time and annoy the pig, once again undervaluing the importance of education.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your "nationwide rollout" of a new women's razor will make headlines, but it certainly won't be in the business section.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Brave men and women of the revolution will sacrifice their lives, fortunes, and sacred honor to free you from your chains, but their music really sucks.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    There may not even be an NHL season this year, so it won't make a ripple when you nearly kill a guy with a hockey stick.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    They say poetry is the unwatered wine of life, but regular old watered wine has always been good enough for you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars usually concern themselves with your future, but they just wanted to remind you that at this time last year, you were "very seriously" considering law school.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close