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Horoscope for the week of August 26, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your pride in your new rubber bondage suit is stifled somewhat when you realize that it was meant for scuba diving only.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The fact that you are a small-town boy who was born and raised in South Detroit will be enough to keep America holding on to its dreams.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The existential pain of modern life will pale in comparison to the pain of the 155mm cast-iron stovebolt the doctors want to put in your skull.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Though your pride in being chosen Employee of the Month is certainly justified, you should wait before introducing your new line of inspirational office posters.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The stars indicate that love is in your future. They also indicate your latitude and longitude, if you have a sextant and a basic knowledge of geometry.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your horrendous treatment by the otherwise professional staff of the local health clinic is Virgo's way of telling you to lay off the nurse-killing jokes.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Though the stars warn of the appearance of a dark, mysterious stranger in your life, they do so for entertainment purposes only.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your mother thinks you are wonderful, unique and lovable. Push her down a flight of stairs.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Earth and water magic are strong in Sagittarius this month. Spend most of your free time face-down in the mud.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your sympathetic anguish for starving children around the world will be temporarily eclipsed by the anguish of not getting tickets to an upcoming Phish concert.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You are overjoyed to discover that William S. Burroughs left you his voice in his will.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will reach the high point of your life this week when your name is mentioned on NPR's Car Talk.

More from this section

Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

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