Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your pride in your new rubber bondage suit is stifled somewhat when you realize that it was meant for scuba diving only.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The fact that you are a small-town boy who was born and raised in South Detroit will be enough to keep America holding on to its dreams.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The existential pain of modern life will pale in comparison to the pain of the 155mm cast-iron stovebolt the doctors want to put in your skull.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Though your pride in being chosen Employee of the Month is certainly justified, you should wait before introducing your new line of inspirational office posters.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
The stars indicate that love is in your future. They also indicate your latitude and longitude, if you have a sextant and a basic knowledge of geometry.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Your horrendous treatment by the otherwise professional staff of the local health clinic is Virgo's way of telling you to lay off the nurse-killing jokes.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Though the stars warn of the appearance of a dark, mysterious stranger in your life, they do so for entertainment purposes only.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Your mother thinks you are wonderful, unique and lovable. Push her down a flight of stairs.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Earth and water magic are strong in Sagittarius this month. Spend most of your free time face-down in the mud.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Your sympathetic anguish for starving children around the world will be temporarily eclipsed by the anguish of not getting tickets to an upcoming Phish concert.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You are overjoyed to discover that William S. Burroughs left you his voice in his will.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You will reach the high point of your life this week when your name is mentioned on NPR's Car Talk.
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