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Horoscope for the week of August 26, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your pride in your new rubber bondage suit is stifled somewhat when you realize that it was meant for scuba diving only.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The fact that you are a small-town boy who was born and raised in South Detroit will be enough to keep America holding on to its dreams.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The existential pain of modern life will pale in comparison to the pain of the 155mm cast-iron stovebolt the doctors want to put in your skull.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Though your pride in being chosen Employee of the Month is certainly justified, you should wait before introducing your new line of inspirational office posters.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The stars indicate that love is in your future. They also indicate your latitude and longitude, if you have a sextant and a basic knowledge of geometry.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your horrendous treatment by the otherwise professional staff of the local health clinic is Virgo's way of telling you to lay off the nurse-killing jokes.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Though the stars warn of the appearance of a dark, mysterious stranger in your life, they do so for entertainment purposes only.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your mother thinks you are wonderful, unique and lovable. Push her down a flight of stairs.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Earth and water magic are strong in Sagittarius this month. Spend most of your free time face-down in the mud.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your sympathetic anguish for starving children around the world will be temporarily eclipsed by the anguish of not getting tickets to an upcoming Phish concert.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You are overjoyed to discover that William S. Burroughs left you his voice in his will.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will reach the high point of your life this week when your name is mentioned on NPR's Car Talk.
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