Horoscope for the week of August 26, 1998

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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Horoscope for the week of August 26, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will take a major step forward in your personal growth this week when you stop worrying about what others think of you and tell the jury what really happened to Mother.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    After years of talks, representatives of the Presley estate grudgingly agree to unauthorize your Elvis biography.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your T-shirt company will be sued into oblivion this week by a manufacturer of sex-machine solar panels.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    A mistake in your horoscope last week has resulted in your missing a chance at lifelong love, prosperity and happiness. The stars apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A group of powerful Republican lobbyists will finally win their long legal battle to have you renamed the Ronald Reagan Memorial Leo.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your doctor will break the news to you that you have the health of a 95-year-old Lebanese woman. This is good news, however, as you are a 117-year-old Lebanese woman.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will fail to secure a patent on your hydraulic little-old-lady compactor, as it closely resembles an existing AT&T; design from 1987.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    A demonstration involving Euclidean geometry, observed cause-and-effect relationships and Newtonian physics will disprove your assertion that "The Bible is the ultimate authority."
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will make romantic history this week when your love for your spouse dies of a massive heroin overdose.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A grammar expert informs you that you have been misusing the word "hopefully" for years. The word you should have been using is "hopelessly."
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your relatives will be forced to bury you in a piano case this week, though you are neither obese nor dead.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your life will go on as usual for seven more largely uneventful days.