Horoscope for the week of August 26, 1998

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Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Horoscope for the week of August 26, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will take a major step forward in your personal growth this week when you stop worrying about what others think of you and tell the jury what really happened to Mother.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    After years of talks, representatives of the Presley estate grudgingly agree to unauthorize your Elvis biography.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your T-shirt company will be sued into oblivion this week by a manufacturer of sex-machine solar panels.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    A mistake in your horoscope last week has resulted in your missing a chance at lifelong love, prosperity and happiness. The stars apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A group of powerful Republican lobbyists will finally win their long legal battle to have you renamed the Ronald Reagan Memorial Leo.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your doctor will break the news to you that you have the health of a 95-year-old Lebanese woman. This is good news, however, as you are a 117-year-old Lebanese woman.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will fail to secure a patent on your hydraulic little-old-lady compactor, as it closely resembles an existing AT&T; design from 1987.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    A demonstration involving Euclidean geometry, observed cause-and-effect relationships and Newtonian physics will disprove your assertion that "The Bible is the ultimate authority."
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will make romantic history this week when your love for your spouse dies of a massive heroin overdose.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A grammar expert informs you that you have been misusing the word "hopefully" for years. The word you should have been using is "hopelessly."
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your relatives will be forced to bury you in a piano case this week, though you are neither obese nor dead.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your life will go on as usual for seven more largely uneventful days.