Horoscope for the week of August 26, 1998

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Vol 34 Issue 04

Contact Paper Beautifies Drawer Interior

PAWTUCKET, RI–The drab, ordinary interior of the third drawer from the top in Beatrice Sewell's bedroom dresser was transformed into a storage area of poetic beauty Tuesday with the application of contact paper purchased at a Pawtucket-area Big Lots store. "The interior of this drawer has entered a new era of attractive, green-and-yellow floral splendor," decorating expert Helen Bowles said. "Look for drawer three to dominate drawer-interior aesthetics for decades to come."

Report: Shopoholism May Have Killed The Shoposauruses

MISSOULA, MT–According to a report released Tuesday by the University of Montana's department of natural history, the consumption-crazed dinosaur known as the Shoposaurus may have become extinct as a result of shopoholism. "Newly gathered field data indicates that the Shoposaurus, a creature which thrived for millions of years in the lush, competitively priced pastures of Triassic North America, was ultimately done in by its own insatiable addiction to shopping," read the report, which has sent shockwaves through the world's paleontological community. "This 'born-to-shop' species emptied prehistoric store shelves faster than those shelves could be restocked, causing the beast to run out of items to buy and die–literally shopping until dropping."

7-Year-Old Only Likes Corn

GRAND RAPIDS, MI–Benjamin Gadsen, a local 7-year-old, dislikes all food other than corn, it was reported Tuesday. "He likes corn on the cob, corn niblets, creamed corn, corn chips, corn flakes, corn syrup, corn oil, cornbread, corn dogs, roasting ears, popcorn, and Indian corn," said Ruth Gadsen, the boy's mother. "Basically, if it's corn, he'll eat it."

Area Man May Have Lied About Having Sex

WENATCHEE, WA–Accusations are mounting in the sexual-misconduct investigation of Wenatchee resident Kenneth Briggs. "I am in possession of taped conversations proving that Briggs had sex with waitress Tina Pruitt, then urged her to lie about it," federal prosecutor Oliver Schill said. "I strongly urge Briggs to come forward now and admit the truth before more time and taxpayers' money is wasted." Though hearings have not yet begun, a number of Wenatchee residents are already calling for Briggs to step down from his position as a third-shift gas-station attendant.

HMOs And Birth Control

HMOs do not cover birth control, a fact that has angered many people in light of HMOs' coverage of Viagra. What do you think?

Ex-Girlfriend To Arrive At 5:15 To Pick Up End Table

TUCSON, AZ–Jodi Hennings, 24, ex-girlfriend of area resident Rich Zeger, 25, announced Tuesday that she will arrive at 5:15 p.m. Thursday to pick up an end table from the apartment the two had shared until eight days ago.

Nazi SS Cemetery Desecrated By Pro-Semitic Graffiti

DARMSTADT, GERMANY–Residents of this quiet Rhineland city awoke Monday to discover that Heinrich Himmler Memorial Cemetery, the final resting place of over 200 Nazi SS Officers who gave their lives for Germany in World War II, had been desecrated during the night with pro-Semitic graffiti.

Aroint Thee, Heretic!

To-day's Sermon concerns Those who have committ'd various Transgressions against the Lord Our God and wish to atone for their Sins.
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Horoscope for the week of August 26, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries

    You will take a major step forward in your personal growth this week when you stop worrying about what others think of you and tell the jury what really happened to Mother.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    After years of talks, representatives of the Presley estate grudgingly agree to unauthorize your Elvis biography.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Your T-shirt company will be sued into oblivion this week by a manufacturer of sex-machine solar panels.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    A mistake in your horoscope last week has resulted in your missing a chance at lifelong love, prosperity and happiness. The stars apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused.
  • Leo

    Leo

    A group of powerful Republican lobbyists will finally win their long legal battle to have you renamed the Ronald Reagan Memorial Leo.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Your doctor will break the news to you that you have the health of a 95-year-old Lebanese woman. This is good news, however, as you are a 117-year-old Lebanese woman.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You will fail to secure a patent on your hydraulic little-old-lady compactor, as it closely resembles an existing AT&T; design from 1987.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    A demonstration involving Euclidean geometry, observed cause-and-effect relationships and Newtonian physics will disprove your assertion that "The Bible is the ultimate authority."
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You will make romantic history this week when your love for your spouse dies of a massive heroin overdose.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    A grammar expert informs you that you have been misusing the word "hopefully" for years. The word you should have been using is "hopelessly."
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Your relatives will be forced to bury you in a piano case this week, though you are neither obese nor dead.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Your life will go on as usual for seven more largely uneventful days.
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