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Horoscope for the week of August 26, 1998

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How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
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Horoscope for the week of August 26, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will take a major step forward in your personal growth this week when you stop worrying about what others think of you and tell the jury what really happened to Mother.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    After years of talks, representatives of the Presley estate grudgingly agree to unauthorize your Elvis biography.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your T-shirt company will be sued into oblivion this week by a manufacturer of sex-machine solar panels.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    A mistake in your horoscope last week has resulted in your missing a chance at lifelong love, prosperity and happiness. The stars apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A group of powerful Republican lobbyists will finally win their long legal battle to have you renamed the Ronald Reagan Memorial Leo.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your doctor will break the news to you that you have the health of a 95-year-old Lebanese woman. This is good news, however, as you are a 117-year-old Lebanese woman.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will fail to secure a patent on your hydraulic little-old-lady compactor, as it closely resembles an existing AT&T; design from 1987.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    A demonstration involving Euclidean geometry, observed cause-and-effect relationships and Newtonian physics will disprove your assertion that "The Bible is the ultimate authority."
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will make romantic history this week when your love for your spouse dies of a massive heroin overdose.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A grammar expert informs you that you have been misusing the word "hopefully" for years. The word you should have been using is "hopelessly."
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your relatives will be forced to bury you in a piano case this week, though you are neither obese nor dead.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your life will go on as usual for seven more largely uneventful days.

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