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Horoscope for the week of August 26, 1998

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Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.
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Horoscope for the week of August 26, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will take a major step forward in your personal growth this week when you stop worrying about what others think of you and tell the jury what really happened to Mother.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    After years of talks, representatives of the Presley estate grudgingly agree to unauthorize your Elvis biography.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your T-shirt company will be sued into oblivion this week by a manufacturer of sex-machine solar panels.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    A mistake in your horoscope last week has resulted in your missing a chance at lifelong love, prosperity and happiness. The stars apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A group of powerful Republican lobbyists will finally win their long legal battle to have you renamed the Ronald Reagan Memorial Leo.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your doctor will break the news to you that you have the health of a 95-year-old Lebanese woman. This is good news, however, as you are a 117-year-old Lebanese woman.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will fail to secure a patent on your hydraulic little-old-lady compactor, as it closely resembles an existing AT&T; design from 1987.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    A demonstration involving Euclidean geometry, observed cause-and-effect relationships and Newtonian physics will disprove your assertion that "The Bible is the ultimate authority."
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will make romantic history this week when your love for your spouse dies of a massive heroin overdose.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A grammar expert informs you that you have been misusing the word "hopefully" for years. The word you should have been using is "hopelessly."
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your relatives will be forced to bury you in a piano case this week, though you are neither obese nor dead.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your life will go on as usual for seven more largely uneventful days.

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