Horoscope for the week of August 27, 2003

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How Apple Plans To Rebound From Apple Watch Flop

With sales of the Apple Watch reportedly down 90 percent since its initial release, Apple is suffering in the wearables market and faces a lack of enthusiasm about its latest product. Here are some ways Apple can improve the watch and prevent the company from falling into a slump:

Horrifying Police Body Camera Footage Clearly Shows Current State Of America

CINCINNATI—Following a traffic stop earlier this month by a University of Cincinnati police officer that ended in the shooting death of an unarmed black motorist, authorities confirmed Thursday that the disturbing video recorded by the officer’s body camera clearly and graphically shows the current state of America.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Business

Coworkers Pull Off Daring One-Hour Lunch Break

TUCSON, AZ—Saying they couldn’t believe such a wild exploit had even been attempted, employees at local marketing firm Synergy Media Services told reporters they were still completely dumbfounded Thursday after account manager Tim Gibbons managed to pull off a daring one-hour lunch break.

Horoscope for the week of August 27, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll raise self-involvement to new heights by taking the discovery of a new species of insect as a personal affront.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The way you relate to others will only be subtly altered by your new habit of carrying a constantly firing Gatling gun under each arm.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    This week will bring you a healthy, fulfilling romance in the workplace. That will motivate you to get a goddamn job.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The siren song of forbidden love will ring in your ears this week when you become sexually attracted to your town's warning klaxon.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The world's scientists will be excited when you tell them you're growing a vestigial tail, until they realize the scatological nature of your sense of humor.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Enough about you. This week, Virgo will be unable to shake the feeling that you never listen to her.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll discover a great new diet that lets you eat whatever you want while ballooning up to 450 sexy, sexy pounds.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    It's getting harder for your loved ones to believe that you never have any spare change.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The movement of planets in your sign foretells amazing romantic events this week. The stars, however, just pour out endless amounts of electromagnetic radiation.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    People often fall in love with the person who is worst for them, which is good news for you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will find yourself lost in a strange new world in which the hairless, vaguely simian natives seem to be trying to communicate with you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Don't worry if you don't understand the complex, yet seemingly effortless, unfolding of the universe. After all, you're stupid.