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Horoscope for the week of August 27, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll raise self-involvement to new heights by taking the discovery of a new species of insect as a personal affront.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The way you relate to others will only be subtly altered by your new habit of carrying a constantly firing Gatling gun under each arm.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    This week will bring you a healthy, fulfilling romance in the workplace. That will motivate you to get a goddamn job.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The siren song of forbidden love will ring in your ears this week when you become sexually attracted to your town's warning klaxon.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The world's scientists will be excited when you tell them you're growing a vestigial tail, until they realize the scatological nature of your sense of humor.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Enough about you. This week, Virgo will be unable to shake the feeling that you never listen to her.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll discover a great new diet that lets you eat whatever you want while ballooning up to 450 sexy, sexy pounds.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    It's getting harder for your loved ones to believe that you never have any spare change.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The movement of planets in your sign foretells amazing romantic events this week. The stars, however, just pour out endless amounts of electromagnetic radiation.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    People often fall in love with the person who is worst for them, which is good news for you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will find yourself lost in a strange new world in which the hairless, vaguely simian natives seem to be trying to communicate with you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Don't worry if you don't understand the complex, yet seemingly effortless, unfolding of the universe. After all, you're stupid.

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