Horoscope for the week of August 27, 2003

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Vol 39 Issue 33

Public Urinator Gives Passerby Dirty Look

TALLAHASSEE, FL—While walking past a house party on Tripoli Avenue early Sunday morning, Howard Lipner, 20, received a withering look from an unidentified public urinator. "He was taking a leak right there in the front yard, not even behind a bush, or garbage can, or anything," Lipner said. "And he gives me this look, like, 'What are you looking at? Can't you see I'm trying to take a piss?' As if it's my fault for walking on a public sidewalk while he's out there taking a leak, like the king of Sheba." Lipner assured reporters that he intentionally avoided looking at the urinator's penis, because he's "not some kind of perv."

Woman Only Dates On National Television Now

HOLLYWOOD—After stints on Temptation Island, The Bachelor, and For Love Or Money, 23-year-old bartender/model Angela Langdon announced Monday that she refuses to date anyone who's not courting her in a front of a national TV audience. "Unless there's the promise of a million-dollar payday, a romantic evening in the tropics, or a humiliating rejection in front of all of America, I'm not interested," Langdon told potential suitors. "Come with cameras, or don't come at all." Langdon also expressed a preference for network shows over those in syndication.

Japan Spotted Hovering Over Algeria

ALGIERS, ALGERIA—Japan continued to vex the world Monday, as numerous eyewitnesses saw the exotic and mysterious Pacific Rim country hovering over the mountainous coastal regions of Algeria. "I noticed it up there around noon," said Ahmed Boumediènne, a farmer whose land lay in the 1,744-mile shadow temporarily cast by the floating archipelago. "The schoolchildren were having a great time waving at it. But, when I came out after lunch, it was gone again. Must have moved on." Boumediènne added that no one was threatened by Japan's serene presence. As of press time, the Japanese islands were back in the Pacific Ocean.

Great Lover Also Great At Slinking Out

MANITOU SPRINGS, CO—According to a number of area women, the lovemaking abilities of the handsome and gregarious Ken Millagro are matched only by his ability to quietly slink out the door after a night of passion. "I'll spare you the details, but Ken was really, really good in the sack," 35-year-old Heather Yorgrau said Sunday, the morning after meeting Millagro at a friend's birthday party. "He was also really, really good at getting out of the sack without waking me up. He was absolutely amazing at not tripping over the shoes on the floor, leaving the noisy fan in the bathroom off, and quietly managing the locks on the front door." Millagro was unable to be found for comment.

The Ten Commandments Ruling

State Supreme Court justices recently ordered that a Ten Commandments monument be removed from the Alabama Judicial Building. What do you think?

No One Makes It To Burning Man Festival

GERLACH, NV—The Burning Man festival, a prominent artistic and countercultural event that draws tens of thousands of people to the Nevada desert annually, is in danger of cancellation this week because "no one had their shit together enough to even make it," organizers said Tuesday.

Billy Crystal Passed Over... Again!

Item! According to my sources, the Emmys—the Oscars of television—are going to be hosted by no less than seven comedians. Before you get your hopes up, I checked, and none of the hosts will be funnyman Billy Crystal. Now, I ask you, the esteemed Academy, why waste a golden opportunity? I'm sure the other hosts are very funny, but have they proven themselves like Billy? I doubt it.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of August 27, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries

    You'll raise self-involvement to new heights by taking the discovery of a new species of insect as a personal affront.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    The way you relate to others will only be subtly altered by your new habit of carrying a constantly firing Gatling gun under each arm.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    This week will bring you a healthy, fulfilling romance in the workplace. That will motivate you to get a goddamn job.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    The siren song of forbidden love will ring in your ears this week when you become sexually attracted to your town's warning klaxon.
  • Leo

    Leo

    The world's scientists will be excited when you tell them you're growing a vestigial tail, until they realize the scatological nature of your sense of humor.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Enough about you. This week, Virgo will be unable to shake the feeling that you never listen to her.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You'll discover a great new diet that lets you eat whatever you want while ballooning up to 450 sexy, sexy pounds.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    It's getting harder for your loved ones to believe that you never have any spare change.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    The movement of planets in your sign foretells amazing romantic events this week. The stars, however, just pour out endless amounts of electromagnetic radiation.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    People often fall in love with the person who is worst for them, which is good news for you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You will find yourself lost in a strange new world in which the hairless, vaguely simian natives seem to be trying to communicate with you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Don't worry if you don't understand the complex, yet seemingly effortless, unfolding of the universe. After all, you're stupid.
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