Horoscope for the week of August 27, 2003

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How To Reform The Nation’s Prison System

With pressing issues such as overcrowding, overuse of solitary confinement, and the long-term incarceration of nonviolent offenders, many critics of the nation’s prison system are calling for sweeping reforms. Here are some of the proposals to improve the prison system:

Sight Of 400 War Elephants On Horizon Marks Hillary Clinton’s Arrival In Swing State

WHEELING, OH—Feeling the earth shake beneath them as they watched the procession climb over the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains toward their village, sources along the Ohio border confirmed Thursday that the sight of 400 war elephants marching on the horizon marked Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s arrival to the critical swing state.

WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of August 27, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll raise self-involvement to new heights by taking the discovery of a new species of insect as a personal affront.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The way you relate to others will only be subtly altered by your new habit of carrying a constantly firing Gatling gun under each arm.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    This week will bring you a healthy, fulfilling romance in the workplace. That will motivate you to get a goddamn job.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The siren song of forbidden love will ring in your ears this week when you become sexually attracted to your town's warning klaxon.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The world's scientists will be excited when you tell them you're growing a vestigial tail, until they realize the scatological nature of your sense of humor.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Enough about you. This week, Virgo will be unable to shake the feeling that you never listen to her.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll discover a great new diet that lets you eat whatever you want while ballooning up to 450 sexy, sexy pounds.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    It's getting harder for your loved ones to believe that you never have any spare change.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The movement of planets in your sign foretells amazing romantic events this week. The stars, however, just pour out endless amounts of electromagnetic radiation.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    People often fall in love with the person who is worst for them, which is good news for you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will find yourself lost in a strange new world in which the hairless, vaguely simian natives seem to be trying to communicate with you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Don't worry if you don't understand the complex, yet seemingly effortless, unfolding of the universe. After all, you're stupid.