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Horoscope for the week of August 27, 2003

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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

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Horoscope for the week of August 27, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll raise self-involvement to new heights by taking the discovery of a new species of insect as a personal affront.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The way you relate to others will only be subtly altered by your new habit of carrying a constantly firing Gatling gun under each arm.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    This week will bring you a healthy, fulfilling romance in the workplace. That will motivate you to get a goddamn job.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The siren song of forbidden love will ring in your ears this week when you become sexually attracted to your town's warning klaxon.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The world's scientists will be excited when you tell them you're growing a vestigial tail, until they realize the scatological nature of your sense of humor.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Enough about you. This week, Virgo will be unable to shake the feeling that you never listen to her.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll discover a great new diet that lets you eat whatever you want while ballooning up to 450 sexy, sexy pounds.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    It's getting harder for your loved ones to believe that you never have any spare change.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The movement of planets in your sign foretells amazing romantic events this week. The stars, however, just pour out endless amounts of electromagnetic radiation.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    People often fall in love with the person who is worst for them, which is good news for you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will find yourself lost in a strange new world in which the hairless, vaguely simian natives seem to be trying to communicate with you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Don't worry if you don't understand the complex, yet seemingly effortless, unfolding of the universe. After all, you're stupid.

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