Horoscope for the week of August 28, 1996

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Vol 30 Issue 03

Ask the Dungeonmaster

The Dungeonmaster has been supervising fantasy adventures for 14 years. In addition to gaming, he enjoys Marvel Comics, renting pornographic videotapes and playing the lute. Send letters to: "DM's Castle," c/o Asst. Mgr., Burger King, Store #4902, Piedmont, CA.

Liver Flees George Jones' Body

NASHVILLE, TN—After more than 40 years of absorbing vast quantities of hard alcohol, George Jones' liver finally fled the famed country singer's body Monday. "I can't take it anymore," the liver said. "A liver can only process so many toxins before it says to hell with it." Jones' liver absorbed its final drink early Monday morning, a bourbon and branch water that Jones had with some eggs for breakfast. Until it can find a place of its own, Jones' liver plans to share an apartment with Merle Haggard's liver and Hank Williams Jr.'s lungs.

Year Abroad Changes Student's Worldview For One Year

SKOKIE, IL—After a tremendously broadening year of travel through Northern Africa, area student Naomi Pilchner returned home to the U.S. yesterday, returning to her pre-year abroad worldview as well. "I'll never forget the things I saw there. There were mountains and grasslands and the most exotic animals imaginable. But there was also terrible drought and starvation—people were literally dying in the streets," Pilchner told friend Jennifer Baskin upon arriving home. "Do you want to go look for shoes at Woodfield, Jen? I saw this awesome pair of green sandals on sale."

Clinton Gets Box To Put Government's Stuff In

WASHINGTON, DC—Unable to keep track of an ever-mounting pile of federal items, President Clinton got a big box to put all the government's stuff in yesterday. "It was getting really messy," Clinton said. "So I decided it was time to get it all off the floor." According to Clinton, the box, made of sturdy, high-quality corrugated cardboard, will be used to hold many of the government's estimated 5.1 trillion belongings, which include 51 aircraft carriers, 296,000 staple removers and the tax records of every American citizen. "That's a lot of stuff," Clinton said. "I just hope it all fits."

Cry Of More, More, More Heard In Midnight Hour

LONDON—A cry of more, more, more was heard in the midnight hour Sunday, prompting police to launch a full-scale investigation. "While we don't have any leads yet, the yell clearly sounded like it came from an outsider, possibly even a rebel," said London police commissioner James Blaney. "Before I investigate further, though, I urge you to let me sink another drink, as it will give me time to think." Blaney added that if the current investigation—during which police have looked all over the world—fails to yield any real clues soon, tomorrow might be a nice day to start again. "Whoever this rebel is," Blaney said, "he clearly has got no human grace."

It Sounded Fancy, So I Ate It

The other day Judy the wife was yappin' that I never do anything with her, so I agreed to go to the big tasting party she was having for the French Cooking course she's taking. I figured at least I could get some grub out of the deal.

The Island of Doctors and Monsters Is Not a Very Good Movie

Ah, the movies. The lights. The glamour. The action! Where else can a person escape to see the stars for the price of a good shave at the corner barber store? Hollywood town! Where a young ingenue can hitch her dreams to a rising star and sit on the director's couch and rise to the top of the Silver Screen.

Military Academies Under Fire

With the Citadel and the Virginia Military Institute opening their doors to women in recent months, only three all-male military colleges now remain in the U.S. What do you think?
End Of Section
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Horoscope for the week of August 28, 1996

  • Aries

    Aries

    The stars indicate that it's time to lose the love handles. Sew yourself into a bag with a dozen starving ferrets.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    If you are the type of person who faints at the sight of blood, you should plan to spend most of next week unconscious.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    A crazy mix-up will result in you being fatally stabbed, as crooked New York cops mistake you for Serpico, the internal affairs informer.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Venus descendant in the sign Cancer means trouble in your love life. Your wife will soon discover three different-colored lipstick stains on your underpants.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Constantly rising pressure on both the business front and at home can be easily relieved by drilling massive holes in your skull.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    The culmination of your life's dream is in sight as your trusty half-gallon of Dewar’s-brand Scotch nears emptiness.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Financial reward is most definitely in your future. Keep scooping out those "take-a-penny" trays at the truckstops along I-90.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Scorpio should be ever-vigilant during the waning of the September moon. If you sleep at all during the coming month, demons will grind your corpse.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Earth and Love magicks are strong in the sign of Sagittarius this month. You will be buried alive by your spouse.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Beware of circular cycles this fortnight. Launch a pre-emptive strike against every round thing in your community.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Friends and family members will continue to disregard your sage advice. It’s up to you to decide whether or not they still deserve to have ears.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Despite your frequent warnings, the nurse will continue to pooh-pooh your fear of linoleum.
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