Aries | March 21 to April 19
The stars indicate that it's time to lose the love handles. Sew yourself into a bag with a dozen starving ferrets.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
If you are the type of person who faints at the sight of blood, you should plan to spend most of next week unconscious.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
A crazy mix-up will result in you being fatally stabbed, as crooked New York cops mistake you for Serpico, the internal affairs informer.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Venus descendant in the sign Cancer means trouble in your love life. Your wife will soon discover three different-colored lipstick stains on your underpants.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Constantly rising pressure on both the business front and at home can be easily relieved by drilling massive holes in your skull.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
The culmination of your life's dream is in sight as your trusty half-gallon of Dewar’s-brand Scotch nears emptiness.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Financial reward is most definitely in your future. Keep scooping out those "take-a-penny" trays at the truckstops along I-90.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Scorpio should be ever-vigilant during the waning of the September moon. If you sleep at all during the coming month, demons will grind your corpse.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Earth and Love magicks are strong in the sign of Sagittarius this month. You will be buried alive by your spouse.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Beware of circular cycles this fortnight. Launch a pre-emptive strike against every round thing in your community.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Friends and family members will continue to disregard your sage advice. It’s up to you to decide whether or not they still deserve to have ears.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Despite your frequent warnings, the nurse will continue to pooh-pooh your fear of linoleum.
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