Horoscope for the week of August 28, 1996

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Recent News

Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.

Meteorologists Say Upcoming Hurricane Season To Be Permanent

SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning residents to prepare for extreme winds, heavy rainfall, and flooding starting in the near future and continuing indefinitely, meteorologists at the National Weather Service announced Friday that the upcoming hurricane season would be permanent.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Satisfaction

  • Man’s Body Running Out Of Ideas To Convince Him He Full

    BAYTOWN, TX—Having repeatedly ratcheted up the 34-year-old’s level of discomfort with no noticeable effect on his behavior, the body of local man Kent Dugan confirmed Wednesday that it was starting to run out of ideas to convince him that he was full.

House and Home

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Horoscope for the week of August 28, 1996

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The stars indicate that it's time to lose the love handles. Sew yourself into a bag with a dozen starving ferrets.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    If you are the type of person who faints at the sight of blood, you should plan to spend most of next week unconscious.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A crazy mix-up will result in you being fatally stabbed, as crooked New York cops mistake you for Serpico, the internal affairs informer.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Venus descendant in the sign Cancer means trouble in your love life. Your wife will soon discover three different-colored lipstick stains on your underpants.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Constantly rising pressure on both the business front and at home can be easily relieved by drilling massive holes in your skull.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The culmination of your life's dream is in sight as your trusty half-gallon of Dewar’s-brand Scotch nears emptiness.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Financial reward is most definitely in your future. Keep scooping out those "take-a-penny" trays at the truckstops along I-90.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Scorpio should be ever-vigilant during the waning of the September moon. If you sleep at all during the coming month, demons will grind your corpse.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Earth and Love magicks are strong in the sign of Sagittarius this month. You will be buried alive by your spouse.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Beware of circular cycles this fortnight. Launch a pre-emptive strike against every round thing in your community.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Friends and family members will continue to disregard your sage advice. It’s up to you to decide whether or not they still deserve to have ears.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Despite your frequent warnings, the nurse will continue to pooh-pooh your fear of linoleum.