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Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

Being A Mom Was The Best Four Years Of My Life!

As I get older, I find myself reflecting on my life more often and marveling at what an amazing journey it’s been. I’ve made tons of great friends, been to magnificent places all over the world, and learned so many important things about myself along the way. But if I’m being honest, there’s one period of my life that stands out from all the rest: those four incredible years when I was a mom.
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Horoscope for the week of August 28, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You're a great believer in "an eye for an eye," but you don't understand why they always have to use yours.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You continue to hurt the ones you love–not because you're a weak or bad person, but because narrative logic seems to demand it of you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will be profoundly moved by a free tin of mints from a marketing company that clearly cares very much about you.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    In the harsh light of day, your plans seem crude and childish, making it all the more obvious that you need a good planning lamp.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The story of your love life seems boring and uneventful, so Fate has decided to throw in a plane crash and swordfight toward the end.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    No matter how many children you abduct, you can't seem to garner national media attention. Next time, stick to pretty white girls.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Though you are locked in a corn-chip packaging plant with no way to escape, you refuse to think of yourself as "trapped."
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will experience monumental shifts in your sense of self-worth next week after your value is tied to the peso.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your suicide would have been the stuff of country-music legend if Billie Joe McAllister hadn't jumped off the Tallahatchie Bridge the very same day.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will undergo a crisis of faith when your pastor cannot explain to you why everyone at the Last Supper was on one side of the table.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You are eager to undergo hip-replacement surgery until you realize they're just going to put in another hip.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars see your hopes dashed, your dreams mocked, and your friends proven false, and so they say: Stop hanging out with theater people.

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