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Horoscope for the week of August 28, 2002

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Wow, Dad Really Went From Zero To 60 With Woodworking This Summer

PAGE, AZ—Expressing their astonishment as they once again heard the sound of their father using his circular saw in the garage despite his seemingly complete lack of interest in the craft prior to last month, the children of area man Sam Morgan, 52, confirmed Tuesday that, wow, their dad had really gone from zero to 60 with woodworking this summer.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:
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Horoscope for the week of August 28, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You're a great believer in "an eye for an eye," but you don't understand why they always have to use yours.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You continue to hurt the ones you love–not because you're a weak or bad person, but because narrative logic seems to demand it of you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will be profoundly moved by a free tin of mints from a marketing company that clearly cares very much about you.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    In the harsh light of day, your plans seem crude and childish, making it all the more obvious that you need a good planning lamp.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The story of your love life seems boring and uneventful, so Fate has decided to throw in a plane crash and swordfight toward the end.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    No matter how many children you abduct, you can't seem to garner national media attention. Next time, stick to pretty white girls.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Though you are locked in a corn-chip packaging plant with no way to escape, you refuse to think of yourself as "trapped."
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will experience monumental shifts in your sense of self-worth next week after your value is tied to the peso.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your suicide would have been the stuff of country-music legend if Billie Joe McAllister hadn't jumped off the Tallahatchie Bridge the very same day.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will undergo a crisis of faith when your pastor cannot explain to you why everyone at the Last Supper was on one side of the table.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You are eager to undergo hip-replacement surgery until you realize they're just going to put in another hip.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars see your hopes dashed, your dreams mocked, and your friends proven false, and so they say: Stop hanging out with theater people.

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