Horoscope for the week of August 28, 2002

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Details Of Obama’s Climate Change Plan

President Obama unveiled Monday a plan to increase the country’s clean power usage that many are calling the strongest action ever taken by a U.S. president to combat the effects of climate change. Here are some key details of Obama’s climate change plan

Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean

ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Horoscope for the week of August 28, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You're a great believer in "an eye for an eye," but you don't understand why they always have to use yours.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You continue to hurt the ones you love–not because you're a weak or bad person, but because narrative logic seems to demand it of you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will be profoundly moved by a free tin of mints from a marketing company that clearly cares very much about you.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    In the harsh light of day, your plans seem crude and childish, making it all the more obvious that you need a good planning lamp.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The story of your love life seems boring and uneventful, so Fate has decided to throw in a plane crash and swordfight toward the end.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    No matter how many children you abduct, you can't seem to garner national media attention. Next time, stick to pretty white girls.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Though you are locked in a corn-chip packaging plant with no way to escape, you refuse to think of yourself as "trapped."
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will experience monumental shifts in your sense of self-worth next week after your value is tied to the peso.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your suicide would have been the stuff of country-music legend if Billie Joe McAllister hadn't jumped off the Tallahatchie Bridge the very same day.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will undergo a crisis of faith when your pastor cannot explain to you why everyone at the Last Supper was on one side of the table.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You are eager to undergo hip-replacement surgery until you realize they're just going to put in another hip.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars see your hopes dashed, your dreams mocked, and your friends proven false, and so they say: Stop hanging out with theater people.