Aries | March 21 to April 19
You're a great believer in "an eye for an eye," but you don't understand why they always have to use yours.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You continue to hurt the ones you love–not because you're a weak or bad person, but because narrative logic seems to demand it of you.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You will be profoundly moved by a free tin of mints from a marketing company that clearly cares very much about you.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
In the harsh light of day, your plans seem crude and childish, making it all the more obvious that you need a good planning lamp.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
The story of your love life seems boring and uneventful, so Fate has decided to throw in a plane crash and swordfight toward the end.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
No matter how many children you abduct, you can't seem to garner national media attention. Next time, stick to pretty white girls.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Though you are locked in a corn-chip packaging plant with no way to escape, you refuse to think of yourself as "trapped."
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You will experience monumental shifts in your sense of self-worth next week after your value is tied to the peso.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Your suicide would have been the stuff of country-music legend if Billie Joe McAllister hadn't jumped off the Tallahatchie Bridge the very same day.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You will undergo a crisis of faith when your pastor cannot explain to you why everyone at the Last Supper was on one side of the table.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You are eager to undergo hip-replacement surgery until you realize they're just going to put in another hip.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
The stars see your hopes dashed, your dreams mocked, and your friends proven false, and so they say: Stop hanging out with theater people.
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