Horoscope for the week of August 29, 2001

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Vol 37 Issue 30

Dome-Home Sales Somehow Manage To Dip Even Lower

AUGUSTA, ME—Despite already negligible figures, sales of geodesic-dome dwellings somehow managed to drop even further in the second quarter of 2001, Alternative Homes magazine reported Tuesday. "Last year, I sold just one dome, to some hippie who'd inherited $80,000," Augusta dome-home-kit salesman Bruce Wyner said. "I figured, hey, it's his money." Geodesic domes are currently the worst-selling alternative dwelling in the U.S., followed closely by the yurt.

New Robert Altman Film Released Straight To Special-Edition Director's-Cut DVD

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Super Sunday, the latest film from acclaimed director Robert Altman, will be released straight to special collector's-edition director's-cut DVD, Daily Variety reported Monday. The film, which follows the parallel stories of 14 separate Super Bowl parties in different parts of the country, is slated to hit video stores Nov. 30. "Altman buffs rejoice: This never-before-seen director's cut features 77 minutes of additional footage not included in the theatrical non-release," Criterion Collection spokesman Tim Page said. "Also included are special commentary tracks from Altman, screenwriter Anne Rapp, and some of the film's stars, including Julianne Moore, Tim Roth, Lili Taylor, Matthew Modine, Michael Murphy, Bob Balaban, Martin Mull, Henry Gibson, Teri Garr, Jeff Goldblum, Jennifer Jason Leigh, Danny Aiello, Robert Downey Jr., Ned Beatty, and Lyle Lovett."

Julia And Benjamin: Say Goodbye To The New Camelot!

Item! Why is it that the best-looking couples never stay together? Megastar Julia Roberts and ethnically ambiguous actor Benjamin Bratt have pulled the plug on their three-year relationship. All accounts indicate that it's an amicable parting, but I'm sure if you scratch the surface, you'll find something unseemly. But should we scratch? I mean, on the one hand, it's my job to report the juicy Hollywood facts that matter to my loyal readers. On the other, here are two lovely people who have never done anyone any harm and are going through a difficult time. After agonizing over this for hours, I've decided that the right thing to do is let them have their privacy. When it's time for them to open up, I'm sure they will.

Jesse Helms' Retirement Plans

After 29 years on Capitol Hill, Sen. Jesse Helms (R-NC) recently announced he will not seek a sixth term in 2002. What are Helm’s retirement plans?

Community Rallies To Save Eyesore

HUBBARD, IA—Hubbard residents came out in force Monday to protest the planned Sept. 1 demolition of an unsightly, 1930s-era silo to make room for a halfway house and library. "This rusted, structurally unsound monstrosity is part of our shared heritage," said Save Our Silos president Ivy Case, handcuffing herself to the eyesore. "Tearing down this dilapidated, dangerous hulk would be like tearing the ugly heart out of this town."

The OxyContin Epidemic

OxyContin, a powerful prescription painkiller whose effects have been compared to heroin's, is being abused by a soaring number of drug addicts. What do you think?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Horoscope for the week of August 29, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries

    You have never been successful at the game of love, but at least you've finally figured out that the rules are similar to those of Scrabble.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    This would be a good time to start new endeavorsófar better than all previous times, which would have been utter shit.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You will be endlessly pleased with your brief mention in an Entertainment Weekly article titled "500,000 Rising Stars Of Indie Film."
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You will give your love a chicken which has no bone, horrifying her as the bird flops about and clucks piteously.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You never thought anything could ever replace sex in your life, but that was before you tried pouring yourself a nice stiff drink, putting on some music, and having sex.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Your marriage will soon erode to the point where you'll be sorely tempted to turn him in for the reward money.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You call yourself "an avid people-watcher," but deep down you know you really only watch for the crashes.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Look on the bright side: If you'd done a better job designing the airliner's landing gear, Wednesday's newspaper sales would have been much lower.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Stalled career got you down? Do what Sagittarius does and take a look at what Ahmad Rashad is up to these days.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You attempt to reconstruct the proto-language that gave rise to Nostratic and, thus, all modern tongues, but just wind up reading The Lord Of The Rings again.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You will soon rise to fame as America's greatest unromantic-inaction hero.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Next week, you will learn just how much polar bears hate to be teased when, while attempting to play with one at the zoo, you hurt its feelings by calling it "roly-poly."
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