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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Horoscope for the week of August 29, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You have never been successful at the game of love, but at least you've finally figured out that the rules are similar to those of Scrabble.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    This would be a good time to start new endeavorsófar better than all previous times, which would have been utter shit.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will be endlessly pleased with your brief mention in an Entertainment Weekly article titled "500,000 Rising Stars Of Indie Film."
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will give your love a chicken which has no bone, horrifying her as the bird flops about and clucks piteously.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You never thought anything could ever replace sex in your life, but that was before you tried pouring yourself a nice stiff drink, putting on some music, and having sex.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your marriage will soon erode to the point where you'll be sorely tempted to turn him in for the reward money.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You call yourself "an avid people-watcher," but deep down you know you really only watch for the crashes.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Look on the bright side: If you'd done a better job designing the airliner's landing gear, Wednesday's newspaper sales would have been much lower.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Stalled career got you down? Do what Sagittarius does and take a look at what Ahmad Rashad is up to these days.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You attempt to reconstruct the proto-language that gave rise to Nostratic and, thus, all modern tongues, but just wind up reading The Lord Of The Rings again.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will soon rise to fame as America's greatest unromantic-inaction hero.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Next week, you will learn just how much polar bears hate to be teased when, while attempting to play with one at the zoo, you hurt its feelings by calling it "roly-poly."
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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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