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Horoscope for the week of August 29, 2001

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How Fashion Trends Arise

With the growing popularity of “fast fashion,” or designs that move quickly from the runway to retail chains, many wonder how their favorite styles first arise. The Onion breaks down the process step by step

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.
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Horoscope for the week of August 29, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You have never been successful at the game of love, but at least you've finally figured out that the rules are similar to those of Scrabble.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    This would be a good time to start new endeavorsófar better than all previous times, which would have been utter shit.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will be endlessly pleased with your brief mention in an Entertainment Weekly article titled "500,000 Rising Stars Of Indie Film."
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will give your love a chicken which has no bone, horrifying her as the bird flops about and clucks piteously.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You never thought anything could ever replace sex in your life, but that was before you tried pouring yourself a nice stiff drink, putting on some music, and having sex.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your marriage will soon erode to the point where you'll be sorely tempted to turn him in for the reward money.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You call yourself "an avid people-watcher," but deep down you know you really only watch for the crashes.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Look on the bright side: If you'd done a better job designing the airliner's landing gear, Wednesday's newspaper sales would have been much lower.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Stalled career got you down? Do what Sagittarius does and take a look at what Ahmad Rashad is up to these days.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You attempt to reconstruct the proto-language that gave rise to Nostratic and, thus, all modern tongues, but just wind up reading The Lord Of The Rings again.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will soon rise to fame as America's greatest unromantic-inaction hero.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Next week, you will learn just how much polar bears hate to be teased when, while attempting to play with one at the zoo, you hurt its feelings by calling it "roly-poly."

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