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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.
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Horoscope for the week of August 29, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You have never been successful at the game of love, but at least you've finally figured out that the rules are similar to those of Scrabble.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    This would be a good time to start new endeavorsófar better than all previous times, which would have been utter shit.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will be endlessly pleased with your brief mention in an Entertainment Weekly article titled "500,000 Rising Stars Of Indie Film."
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will give your love a chicken which has no bone, horrifying her as the bird flops about and clucks piteously.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You never thought anything could ever replace sex in your life, but that was before you tried pouring yourself a nice stiff drink, putting on some music, and having sex.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your marriage will soon erode to the point where you'll be sorely tempted to turn him in for the reward money.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You call yourself "an avid people-watcher," but deep down you know you really only watch for the crashes.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Look on the bright side: If you'd done a better job designing the airliner's landing gear, Wednesday's newspaper sales would have been much lower.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Stalled career got you down? Do what Sagittarius does and take a look at what Ahmad Rashad is up to these days.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You attempt to reconstruct the proto-language that gave rise to Nostratic and, thus, all modern tongues, but just wind up reading The Lord Of The Rings again.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will soon rise to fame as America's greatest unromantic-inaction hero.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Next week, you will learn just how much polar bears hate to be teased when, while attempting to play with one at the zoo, you hurt its feelings by calling it "roly-poly."

More from this section

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

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