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Horoscope for the week of August 30, 2000

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Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:

360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.
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Horoscope for the week of August 30, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Try to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You've always been a lightning rod for controversy, but it gets worse when you become an actual lightning rod.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will soon learn the secrets of the butterflies. Their stark, unrelenting malice will drive you gibberingly insane.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    There's an old adage, "If there's a gun in the story, it's got to go off." Well, your story now has a pair of breeding mountain gorillas in it.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your suicide note elicits remorse from the person who finds it in the pocket of the old coat they bought at Goodwill.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Don't worry: Suppressed-memory theory has been largely discredited, so it's almost certain that your uncle didn't do all those things you're starting to recall.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will somehow find a way to steer every conversation toward the uselessness of the NFL preseason.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be overwhelmed by feelings of despair and helplessness this week, especially while drowning.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Now that the stars think about it, last week's dark, handsome stranger wasn't really all that dark or handsome, after all. He was also your regional manager, wasn't he? Oops! Sorry.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Smile! Somebody out there loves you. On second thought, don't smile.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Aquarius has no idea who put that bumper sticker on his car, but please stop asking about his grandchildren.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The Zodiac is still around during the daytime, even if you can't see it. So don't try anything funny, okay? Good.

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