adBlockCheck

Horoscope for the week of August 30, 2000

Top Headlines

Recent News

Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Horoscope for the week of August 30, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Try to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You've always been a lightning rod for controversy, but it gets worse when you become an actual lightning rod.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will soon learn the secrets of the butterflies. Their stark, unrelenting malice will drive you gibberingly insane.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    There's an old adage, "If there's a gun in the story, it's got to go off." Well, your story now has a pair of breeding mountain gorillas in it.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your suicide note elicits remorse from the person who finds it in the pocket of the old coat they bought at Goodwill.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Don't worry: Suppressed-memory theory has been largely discredited, so it's almost certain that your uncle didn't do all those things you're starting to recall.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will somehow find a way to steer every conversation toward the uselessness of the NFL preseason.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be overwhelmed by feelings of despair and helplessness this week, especially while drowning.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Now that the stars think about it, last week's dark, handsome stranger wasn't really all that dark or handsome, after all. He was also your regional manager, wasn't he? Oops! Sorry.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Smile! Somebody out there loves you. On second thought, don't smile.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Aquarius has no idea who put that bumper sticker on his car, but please stop asking about his grandchildren.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The Zodiac is still around during the daytime, even if you can't see it. So don't try anything funny, okay? Good.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close