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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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Horoscope for the week of August 30, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Try to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You've always been a lightning rod for controversy, but it gets worse when you become an actual lightning rod.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will soon learn the secrets of the butterflies. Their stark, unrelenting malice will drive you gibberingly insane.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    There's an old adage, "If there's a gun in the story, it's got to go off." Well, your story now has a pair of breeding mountain gorillas in it.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your suicide note elicits remorse from the person who finds it in the pocket of the old coat they bought at Goodwill.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Don't worry: Suppressed-memory theory has been largely discredited, so it's almost certain that your uncle didn't do all those things you're starting to recall.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will somehow find a way to steer every conversation toward the uselessness of the NFL preseason.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be overwhelmed by feelings of despair and helplessness this week, especially while drowning.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Now that the stars think about it, last week's dark, handsome stranger wasn't really all that dark or handsome, after all. He was also your regional manager, wasn't he? Oops! Sorry.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Smile! Somebody out there loves you. On second thought, don't smile.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Aquarius has no idea who put that bumper sticker on his car, but please stop asking about his grandchildren.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The Zodiac is still around during the daytime, even if you can't see it. So don't try anything funny, okay? Good.

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