Aries | March 21 to April 19
Try to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You've always been a lightning rod for controversy, but it gets worse when you become an actual lightning rod.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You will soon learn the secrets of the butterflies. Their stark, unrelenting malice will drive you gibberingly insane.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
There's an old adage, "If there's a gun in the story, it's got to go off." Well, your story now has a pair of breeding mountain gorillas in it.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Your suicide note elicits remorse from the person who finds it in the pocket of the old coat they bought at Goodwill.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Don't worry: Suppressed-memory theory has been largely discredited, so it's almost certain that your uncle didn't do all those things you're starting to recall.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You will somehow find a way to steer every conversation toward the uselessness of the NFL preseason.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You will be overwhelmed by feelings of despair and helplessness this week, especially while drowning.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Now that the stars think about it, last week's dark, handsome stranger wasn't really all that dark or handsome, after all. He was also your regional manager, wasn't he? Oops! Sorry.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Smile! Somebody out there loves you. On second thought, don't smile.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Aquarius has no idea who put that bumper sticker on his car, but please stop asking about his grandchildren.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
The Zodiac is still around during the daytime, even if you can't see it. So don't try anything funny, okay? Good.
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