Horoscope for the week of August 30, 2000

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New York City Abuzz Over New Resident

NEW YORK—With word spreading rapidly through office towers, apartment buildings, and across all five boroughs, sources confirmed Friday that New Yorkers were abuzz over reports that a new resident had moved to the city.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 7, 2014

ARIES: Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.

Ranking Women Somehow Not Issue In Miss USA Debacle

NEW YORK—As backlash against the Miss USA pageant continues to spread following controversial anti-immigration remarks made by the contest’s owner, Donald Trump, sources confirmed this week that the overt ranking of women is somehow not a part of the ongoing nationwide outrage.

Insurance Only Covers Generic Heart Transplant

GALLATIN, TN—Saying he will just have to trust that the new organ he receives is as good as the other options out there, local man Keith Palmero confirmed Tuesday that his insurance provider would only cover a generic heart for his upcoming transplant surgery.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of August 30, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Try to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You've always been a lightning rod for controversy, but it gets worse when you become an actual lightning rod.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will soon learn the secrets of the butterflies. Their stark, unrelenting malice will drive you gibberingly insane.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    There's an old adage, "If there's a gun in the story, it's got to go off." Well, your story now has a pair of breeding mountain gorillas in it.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your suicide note elicits remorse from the person who finds it in the pocket of the old coat they bought at Goodwill.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Don't worry: Suppressed-memory theory has been largely discredited, so it's almost certain that your uncle didn't do all those things you're starting to recall.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will somehow find a way to steer every conversation toward the uselessness of the NFL preseason.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be overwhelmed by feelings of despair and helplessness this week, especially while drowning.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Now that the stars think about it, last week's dark, handsome stranger wasn't really all that dark or handsome, after all. He was also your regional manager, wasn't he? Oops! Sorry.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Smile! Somebody out there loves you. On second thought, don't smile.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Aquarius has no idea who put that bumper sticker on his car, but please stop asking about his grandchildren.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The Zodiac is still around during the daytime, even if you can't see it. So don't try anything funny, okay? Good.
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