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Horoscope for the week of August 30, 2000

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Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Horoscope for the week of August 30, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Try to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You've always been a lightning rod for controversy, but it gets worse when you become an actual lightning rod.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will soon learn the secrets of the butterflies. Their stark, unrelenting malice will drive you gibberingly insane.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    There's an old adage, "If there's a gun in the story, it's got to go off." Well, your story now has a pair of breeding mountain gorillas in it.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your suicide note elicits remorse from the person who finds it in the pocket of the old coat they bought at Goodwill.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Don't worry: Suppressed-memory theory has been largely discredited, so it's almost certain that your uncle didn't do all those things you're starting to recall.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will somehow find a way to steer every conversation toward the uselessness of the NFL preseason.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be overwhelmed by feelings of despair and helplessness this week, especially while drowning.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Now that the stars think about it, last week's dark, handsome stranger wasn't really all that dark or handsome, after all. He was also your regional manager, wasn't he? Oops! Sorry.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Smile! Somebody out there loves you. On second thought, don't smile.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Aquarius has no idea who put that bumper sticker on his car, but please stop asking about his grandchildren.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The Zodiac is still around during the daytime, even if you can't see it. So don't try anything funny, okay? Good.

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