Horoscope for the week of August 31, 2005

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Vol 41 Issue 35

Chinese Auto Industry

Chinese carmakers are beginning to increase production volume, raise quality-control standards, and export cars to Europe, with the hope of becoming...

Reality TV's Integrity Questioned

Critics and viewers are beginning to question the integrity of reality-television shows, saying that some of them may be scripted or fixed. What do...

Atkins Diet Over

Atkins Nutritional, the former nutrition giant whose Atkins Diet craze has fizzled in the recent months, blamed slumping demand and increased...

Celebrity Last Requests

Last week, Hunter S. Thompson's ashes were shot out of a cannon, per the gonzo journalist's final wish. What are some other celebrities' last requests?

Hey, You Got Something To Eat?

Say, I'd like to eat a little something. You got something? What you got? Any kind of food is good. I just want something to eat. You must got something. I ain't desperate or nothing like that. Don't think I'm begging. I'm just asking here. No pressure. I just want to eat something. Wondering if you had something maybe. No big deal.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of August 31, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries

    It's bad enough that you earned the undying enmity of a murderous elephant, but this particular bull is a member of the Azuma ninja herd—unusually cunning, stealthy, and skilled in the use of blowguns and exotic poisons.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You'll be relieved when you're assigned to be a lighthouse keeper 200 miles above the Arctic Circle, especially when you think of how close you came to being named manager of the Detroit Tigers.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Hopelessly lost on America's backroads, you will stumble upon an isolated, acid-washed, hair-metal-loving small town that doesn't realize the Cold War is over.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You're suddenly a very hot commodity when Sony announces that the next generation of recordable digital media will be synthesized from your heart's blood.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You've always thought that breast implants were kind of sad, but you'll wind up with nine of them anyway.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    It's important to keep yourself looking and feeling good, but your relentless reapplication of home permanents is beginning to seem disturbing.
  • Libra

    Libra

    It's not that people mind it when you rappel in through skylights, but it does clash strangely with your love of making an entrance by popping out of cakes.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Your graffiti tags are as distinctive as they are funky, which is why you shouldn't even bother lying to the people of Jerusalem about what you did to the Wailing Wall.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    It doesn't matter if you've done nothing wrong and been charged with no crime. CNN's Nancy Grace is certain beyond a shadow of a doubt that you're guilty and should be "put down like a dog."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You'll become a living symbol of what's wrong with paddling in public schools after you repeatedly break into Birmingham, AL's Jordan High and demand to be spanked.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    There's been a lot of trouble and turmoil on Wall Street lately, which is probably why they keep asking you if they can stay on your couch for October.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    The stars foresee a vast change in your future. Soon, the world shall grow cold, the nights will wax longer, and the world shall become covered with ice for many months.
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