adBlockCheck

Horoscope for the week of August 31, 2005

Top Headlines

Recent News

Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Horoscope for the week of August 31, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    It's bad enough that you earned the undying enmity of a murderous elephant, but this particular bull is a member of the Azuma ninja herd—unusually cunning, stealthy, and skilled in the use of blowguns and exotic poisons.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll be relieved when you're assigned to be a lighthouse keeper 200 miles above the Arctic Circle, especially when you think of how close you came to being named manager of the Detroit Tigers.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Hopelessly lost on America's backroads, you will stumble upon an isolated, acid-washed, hair-metal-loving small town that doesn't realize the Cold War is over.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You're suddenly a very hot commodity when Sony announces that the next generation of recordable digital media will be synthesized from your heart's blood.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You've always thought that breast implants were kind of sad, but you'll wind up with nine of them anyway.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It's important to keep yourself looking and feeling good, but your relentless reapplication of home permanents is beginning to seem disturbing.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    It's not that people mind it when you rappel in through skylights, but it does clash strangely with your love of making an entrance by popping out of cakes.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your graffiti tags are as distinctive as they are funky, which is why you shouldn't even bother lying to the people of Jerusalem about what you did to the Wailing Wall.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    It doesn't matter if you've done nothing wrong and been charged with no crime. CNN's Nancy Grace is certain beyond a shadow of a doubt that you're guilty and should be "put down like a dog."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll become a living symbol of what's wrong with paddling in public schools after you repeatedly break into Birmingham, AL's Jordan High and demand to be spanked.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    There's been a lot of trouble and turmoil on Wall Street lately, which is probably why they keep asking you if they can stay on your couch for October.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars foresee a vast change in your future. Soon, the world shall grow cold, the nights will wax longer, and the world shall become covered with ice for many months.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close