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Horoscope for the week of August 31, 2005

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How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
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Horoscope for the week of August 31, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    It's bad enough that you earned the undying enmity of a murderous elephant, but this particular bull is a member of the Azuma ninja herd—unusually cunning, stealthy, and skilled in the use of blowguns and exotic poisons.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll be relieved when you're assigned to be a lighthouse keeper 200 miles above the Arctic Circle, especially when you think of how close you came to being named manager of the Detroit Tigers.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Hopelessly lost on America's backroads, you will stumble upon an isolated, acid-washed, hair-metal-loving small town that doesn't realize the Cold War is over.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You're suddenly a very hot commodity when Sony announces that the next generation of recordable digital media will be synthesized from your heart's blood.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You've always thought that breast implants were kind of sad, but you'll wind up with nine of them anyway.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It's important to keep yourself looking and feeling good, but your relentless reapplication of home permanents is beginning to seem disturbing.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    It's not that people mind it when you rappel in through skylights, but it does clash strangely with your love of making an entrance by popping out of cakes.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your graffiti tags are as distinctive as they are funky, which is why you shouldn't even bother lying to the people of Jerusalem about what you did to the Wailing Wall.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    It doesn't matter if you've done nothing wrong and been charged with no crime. CNN's Nancy Grace is certain beyond a shadow of a doubt that you're guilty and should be "put down like a dog."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll become a living symbol of what's wrong with paddling in public schools after you repeatedly break into Birmingham, AL's Jordan High and demand to be spanked.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    There's been a lot of trouble and turmoil on Wall Street lately, which is probably why they keep asking you if they can stay on your couch for October.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars foresee a vast change in your future. Soon, the world shall grow cold, the nights will wax longer, and the world shall become covered with ice for many months.

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