Horoscope for the week of August 4, 1999

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Recent News

Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

House and Home

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Preparedness

Ice Cream Truck Driver Going To Let These Kids Sweat A Little Bit Before Stopping

MILWAUKEE—Admitting that he’ll never get tired of looking in his rearview mirror and seeing their little legs going at full speed as they struggle to catch up to him, local ice cream truck driver Derek Kenney said that he once again planned on making the children on Maple Avenue sweat it out a little bit before stopping his vehicle.

Horoscope for the week of August 4, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    For years, you thought your deep, dark secret was known only to you and God, but you're chagrined to hear He’s been going around telling everyone.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Nobody will be able to figure out what to put on your tombstone this week. It's not that you have a mysterious personality; they just don't know your name.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will be sought out by a dark stranger who wants you to pay late fees.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will find religious enlightenment in a strange and lonely place this week. Be sure to thank the Gideons.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Take time out for yourself this week, but be sure to take even more time out for Ed. He hardly even knows you anymore.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The stars foretell of a mad prophet rising in the East in the moon’s next cycle. They hope this somehow helps you with your life.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Though you have never learned the true meaning of love, you're pretty sure you know the proper way to use the word "hopefully."
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    For the last time, Scorpio never recorded a song called "Rock You Like A Hurricane."
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The moon rising in Sagittarius may look impressive, but it actually happens fairly often and doesn’t really mean anything.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    There will be trouble in your Fire sign this week, especially if you pull down on that lever just below the sign when there's no fire. That’s a major felony.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your future looks bleak and desolate this week. However, hog futures are looking very good in the short term.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your love life continues to go nowhere, but what astrologers call your "indifference life" has never looked better.