Aries | March 21 to April 19
For years, you thought your deep, dark secret was known only to you and God, but you're chagrined to hear He’s been going around telling everyone.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Nobody will be able to figure out what to put on your tombstone this week. It's not that you have a mysterious personality; they just don't know your name.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You will be sought out by a dark stranger who wants you to pay late fees.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You will find religious enlightenment in a strange and lonely place this week. Be sure to thank the Gideons.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Take time out for yourself this week, but be sure to take even more time out for Ed. He hardly even knows you anymore.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
The stars foretell of a mad prophet rising in the East in the moon’s next cycle. They hope this somehow helps you with your life.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Though you have never learned the true meaning of love, you're pretty sure you know the proper way to use the word "hopefully."
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
For the last time, Scorpio never recorded a song called "Rock You Like A Hurricane."
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
The moon rising in Sagittarius may look impressive, but it actually happens fairly often and doesn’t really mean anything.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
There will be trouble in your Fire sign this week, especially if you pull down on that lever just below the sign when there's no fire. That’s a major felony.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Your future looks bleak and desolate this week. However, hog futures are looking very good in the short term.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Your love life continues to go nowhere, but what astrologers call your "indifference life" has never looked better.
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