Horoscope for the week of August 4, 1999

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Vol 35 Issue 27

Craig Kilborn Weds Self In Private Ceremony

CARMEL, CA—In a small, private ceremony he described as "deeply moving," CBS late-night talk-show host Craig Kilborn married his love of 36 years Sunday. "With all my heart and soul, I pledge myself forever to thee," Kilborn said into a mirror during the exchange of vows. "So long as you live, you shall be cherished by me above all others." Kilborn then thanked his guests and departed for his honeymoon, boarding a private helicopter to Catalina Island, where he will spend five secluded nights masturbating.

Planet Explodes

EARTH—All Earth lifeforms are feared dead in Monday's explosion of the four-billion-year-old planet, sources report. "We are still searching through the rubble for any signs of life which may be present," said American Red Cross volunteer Patricia O'Donnell. "But we stress that the hope of retrieving survivors is quite slim." A research mishap at Long Island's Brookhaven National Laboratories is believed responsible for the catastrophic explosion.

Item Individually Wrapped For No Reason

EASTON, PA—Crayola manufacturer Binney-Smith baffled consumers Monday when it released a new version of its popular 64-color box with each crayon individually packaged in a "Tru-Brite" cellophane wrapper. "Now your crayons will stay bright and colorful even longer," Binney-Smith president Arthur Wright said. "And they'll come out of their liners as fresh as the day they were made." The new boxes will also come with a convenient "Wrapper-Disposal Bag," into which the 64 wrappers may be discarded after removal of the crayons.

Man With New 40-Disc CD Changer Needs 18 More CDs

OVERLAND PARK, KS—With 22 slots filled in his new Sony 40-disc CD player, Overland Park restaurateur William Fedorisko still needs 18 more discs, it was learned Monday. "I was thinking of maybe getting that five-disc Paul Simon box set. That would fill up some of those slots in a hurry," the 43-year-old Fedorisko told reporters. "And then, for the remaining 13 slots, maybe I'll get the You've Got Mail soundtrack, the new Eric Clapton and maybe some Sheryl Crow. But whatever I get, I'd better do it fast: That 40-disc-changing technology is just going to waste."

Ritalin Cures Next Picasso

WORCESTER, MA—Area 7-year-old Douglas Castellano's unbridled energy and creativity are no longer a problem thanks to Ritalin, doctors for the child announced Monday. "After years of failed attempts to stop Douglas' uncontrollable bouts of self-expression, we have finally found success with Ritalin," Dr. Irwin Schraeger said. "For the first time in his life, Douglas can actually sit down and not think about lots of things at once." Castellano's parents reported that the cured child no longer tries to draw on everything in sight, calming down enough to show an interest in television.

Eyes Wide Cut

In order to receive an 'R' rating from the MPAA, Stanley Kubrick's Eyes Wide Shut was digitally altered, with human figures added to obscure scenes of explicit sexuality. What do you think about what many film critics are condemning as censorship?

That's Not Funny; My Brother Died That Way

Hey, listen, guys. Listen up. This is a great party and everything, and it's cool you invited me and all, but I have to speak up about that scene in Police Academy you were just talking about.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Horoscope for the week of August 4, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries

    For years, you thought your deep, dark secret was known only to you and God, but you're chagrined to hear He’s been going around telling everyone.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Nobody will be able to figure out what to put on your tombstone this week. It's not that you have a mysterious personality; they just don't know your name.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You will be sought out by a dark stranger who wants you to pay late fees.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You will find religious enlightenment in a strange and lonely place this week. Be sure to thank the Gideons.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Take time out for yourself this week, but be sure to take even more time out for Ed. He hardly even knows you anymore.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    The stars foretell of a mad prophet rising in the East in the moon’s next cycle. They hope this somehow helps you with your life.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Though you have never learned the true meaning of love, you're pretty sure you know the proper way to use the word "hopefully."
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    For the last time, Scorpio never recorded a song called "Rock You Like A Hurricane."
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    The moon rising in Sagittarius may look impressive, but it actually happens fairly often and doesn’t really mean anything.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    There will be trouble in your Fire sign this week, especially if you pull down on that lever just below the sign when there's no fire. That’s a major felony.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Your future looks bleak and desolate this week. However, hog futures are looking very good in the short term.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Your love life continues to go nowhere, but what astrologers call your "indifference life" has never looked better.
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