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Horoscope for the week of August 4, 1999

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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race
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Horoscope for the week of August 4, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    For years, you thought your deep, dark secret was known only to you and God, but you're chagrined to hear He’s been going around telling everyone.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Nobody will be able to figure out what to put on your tombstone this week. It's not that you have a mysterious personality; they just don't know your name.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will be sought out by a dark stranger who wants you to pay late fees.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will find religious enlightenment in a strange and lonely place this week. Be sure to thank the Gideons.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Take time out for yourself this week, but be sure to take even more time out for Ed. He hardly even knows you anymore.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The stars foretell of a mad prophet rising in the East in the moon’s next cycle. They hope this somehow helps you with your life.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Though you have never learned the true meaning of love, you're pretty sure you know the proper way to use the word "hopefully."
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    For the last time, Scorpio never recorded a song called "Rock You Like A Hurricane."
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The moon rising in Sagittarius may look impressive, but it actually happens fairly often and doesn’t really mean anything.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    There will be trouble in your Fire sign this week, especially if you pull down on that lever just below the sign when there's no fire. That’s a major felony.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your future looks bleak and desolate this week. However, hog futures are looking very good in the short term.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your love life continues to go nowhere, but what astrologers call your "indifference life" has never looked better.

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