adBlockCheck

Horoscope for the week of August 4, 1999

Top Headlines

Recent News

360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Horoscope for the week of August 4, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    For years, you thought your deep, dark secret was known only to you and God, but you're chagrined to hear He’s been going around telling everyone.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Nobody will be able to figure out what to put on your tombstone this week. It's not that you have a mysterious personality; they just don't know your name.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will be sought out by a dark stranger who wants you to pay late fees.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will find religious enlightenment in a strange and lonely place this week. Be sure to thank the Gideons.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Take time out for yourself this week, but be sure to take even more time out for Ed. He hardly even knows you anymore.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The stars foretell of a mad prophet rising in the East in the moon’s next cycle. They hope this somehow helps you with your life.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Though you have never learned the true meaning of love, you're pretty sure you know the proper way to use the word "hopefully."
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    For the last time, Scorpio never recorded a song called "Rock You Like A Hurricane."
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The moon rising in Sagittarius may look impressive, but it actually happens fairly often and doesn’t really mean anything.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    There will be trouble in your Fire sign this week, especially if you pull down on that lever just below the sign when there's no fire. That’s a major felony.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your future looks bleak and desolate this week. However, hog futures are looking very good in the short term.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your love life continues to go nowhere, but what astrologers call your "indifference life" has never looked better.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close