Horoscope for the week of August 4, 1999

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Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of August 4, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    For years, you thought your deep, dark secret was known only to you and God, but you're chagrined to hear He’s been going around telling everyone.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Nobody will be able to figure out what to put on your tombstone this week. It's not that you have a mysterious personality; they just don't know your name.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will be sought out by a dark stranger who wants you to pay late fees.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will find religious enlightenment in a strange and lonely place this week. Be sure to thank the Gideons.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Take time out for yourself this week, but be sure to take even more time out for Ed. He hardly even knows you anymore.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The stars foretell of a mad prophet rising in the East in the moon’s next cycle. They hope this somehow helps you with your life.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Though you have never learned the true meaning of love, you're pretty sure you know the proper way to use the word "hopefully."
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    For the last time, Scorpio never recorded a song called "Rock You Like A Hurricane."
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The moon rising in Sagittarius may look impressive, but it actually happens fairly often and doesn’t really mean anything.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    There will be trouble in your Fire sign this week, especially if you pull down on that lever just below the sign when there's no fire. That’s a major felony.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your future looks bleak and desolate this week. However, hog futures are looking very good in the short term.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your love life continues to go nowhere, but what astrologers call your "indifference life" has never looked better.