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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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Horoscope for the week of August 4, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The "before" and "after" photos of your diet plan are dramatic, but it's the "during" photos that will fill the jury box with vomit.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Experts agree that getting enough sleep is important, but they look like the kind of cunning, crafty experts who would love to catch you unconscious.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    By the time government troops are able to cut through the locks of your Love Zeppelin and "rescue" everyone inside, you'll already be a folk hero.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    No, no, no—you're supposed to gently heat the garlic cloves until they caramelize, you moron, not turn them into a burnt paste.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Sharpening the nation's steering wheels and promoting proper tire deflation will be your first priorities when you're appointed to chair the Institute of Highway Danger.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll get a chance to do it all again knowing what you know now, taking the fun out of about 15 Super Bowls.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You're the prime suspect after witnesses overhear you say you're "so hungry I could eat either a horse or the dismembered body of the vice-president of that bank on Garfield Street."
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Piracy is still a major problem in the Philippines, but that's a pretty lousy reason to want to move there.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    People will complain to you about the disruption of traffic, but it's not your fault that love-struck buildings are following you everywhere.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You suspect it was a misprint when the newspaper claimed that drinking a glass of red wine once a minute is good for the heart, but what the hell.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Very few of your monetary problems will be over when you win the record-low lottery jackpot of $.0000017 million.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The pilot will make an emergency landing because of you, in spite of your repeated and emphatic insistence that you are not a suspicious object.

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