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Horoscope for the week of August 4, 2004

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The TSA’s Plans For Improvement

The Transportation Security Administration has pledged to revamp its processes in response to recent record-setting airport lines and wait times. Here are some ways in which the TSA plans to improve

God Admits Stealing Idea For Messiah From Zoroastrianism

THE HEAVENS—Under pressure from scholars, who for centuries have pointed out strong similarities between certain aspects of the two religions, God finally admitted Tuesday that He had stolen the idea for the Messiah from Zoroastrianism and used it as a major feature of the Judeo-Christian tradition.

Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
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Horoscope for the week of August 4, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The "before" and "after" photos of your diet plan are dramatic, but it's the "during" photos that will fill the jury box with vomit.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Experts agree that getting enough sleep is important, but they look like the kind of cunning, crafty experts who would love to catch you unconscious.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    By the time government troops are able to cut through the locks of your Love Zeppelin and "rescue" everyone inside, you'll already be a folk hero.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    No, no, no—you're supposed to gently heat the garlic cloves until they caramelize, you moron, not turn them into a burnt paste.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Sharpening the nation's steering wheels and promoting proper tire deflation will be your first priorities when you're appointed to chair the Institute of Highway Danger.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll get a chance to do it all again knowing what you know now, taking the fun out of about 15 Super Bowls.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You're the prime suspect after witnesses overhear you say you're "so hungry I could eat either a horse or the dismembered body of the vice-president of that bank on Garfield Street."
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Piracy is still a major problem in the Philippines, but that's a pretty lousy reason to want to move there.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    People will complain to you about the disruption of traffic, but it's not your fault that love-struck buildings are following you everywhere.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You suspect it was a misprint when the newspaper claimed that drinking a glass of red wine once a minute is good for the heart, but what the hell.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Very few of your monetary problems will be over when you win the record-low lottery jackpot of $.0000017 million.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The pilot will make an emergency landing because of you, in spite of your repeated and emphatic insistence that you are not a suspicious object.

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