Horoscope for the week of August 4, 2004

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Recent News

Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage


  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:


Local Household Announces Plans To Overdo Halloween Again

HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Having hauled over a dozen boxes of lights and plastic decorations as well as a large black-cat-shaped lawn inflatable from storage, members of the Hutchcroft family announced to neighbors from their front yard Thursday their plan to completely overdo Halloween again this year.

Horoscope for the week of August 4, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The "before" and "after" photos of your diet plan are dramatic, but it's the "during" photos that will fill the jury box with vomit.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Experts agree that getting enough sleep is important, but they look like the kind of cunning, crafty experts who would love to catch you unconscious.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    By the time government troops are able to cut through the locks of your Love Zeppelin and "rescue" everyone inside, you'll already be a folk hero.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    No, no, no—you're supposed to gently heat the garlic cloves until they caramelize, you moron, not turn them into a burnt paste.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Sharpening the nation's steering wheels and promoting proper tire deflation will be your first priorities when you're appointed to chair the Institute of Highway Danger.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll get a chance to do it all again knowing what you know now, taking the fun out of about 15 Super Bowls.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You're the prime suspect after witnesses overhear you say you're "so hungry I could eat either a horse or the dismembered body of the vice-president of that bank on Garfield Street."
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Piracy is still a major problem in the Philippines, but that's a pretty lousy reason to want to move there.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    People will complain to you about the disruption of traffic, but it's not your fault that love-struck buildings are following you everywhere.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You suspect it was a misprint when the newspaper claimed that drinking a glass of red wine once a minute is good for the heart, but what the hell.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Very few of your monetary problems will be over when you win the record-low lottery jackpot of $.0000017 million.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The pilot will make an emergency landing because of you, in spite of your repeated and emphatic insistence that you are not a suspicious object.