Horoscope for the week of August 4, 2004

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Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.
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Horoscope for the week of August 4, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The "before" and "after" photos of your diet plan are dramatic, but it's the "during" photos that will fill the jury box with vomit.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Experts agree that getting enough sleep is important, but they look like the kind of cunning, crafty experts who would love to catch you unconscious.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    By the time government troops are able to cut through the locks of your Love Zeppelin and "rescue" everyone inside, you'll already be a folk hero.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    No, no, no—you're supposed to gently heat the garlic cloves until they caramelize, you moron, not turn them into a burnt paste.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Sharpening the nation's steering wheels and promoting proper tire deflation will be your first priorities when you're appointed to chair the Institute of Highway Danger.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll get a chance to do it all again knowing what you know now, taking the fun out of about 15 Super Bowls.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You're the prime suspect after witnesses overhear you say you're "so hungry I could eat either a horse or the dismembered body of the vice-president of that bank on Garfield Street."
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Piracy is still a major problem in the Philippines, but that's a pretty lousy reason to want to move there.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    People will complain to you about the disruption of traffic, but it's not your fault that love-struck buildings are following you everywhere.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You suspect it was a misprint when the newspaper claimed that drinking a glass of red wine once a minute is good for the heart, but what the hell.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Very few of your monetary problems will be over when you win the record-low lottery jackpot of $.0000017 million.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The pilot will make an emergency landing because of you, in spite of your repeated and emphatic insistence that you are not a suspicious object.


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