Aries | March 21 to April 19
Take out a cosmic insurance policy: Give 10 percent of your money to the giant, all-powerful bearded man who lives above the sky.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Laughter will surround you this week, but it will mysteriously stop when you turn around to see what's so funny.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Saturn in your sign indicates that this is a great time to buy or lease a new Saturn. See your dealer for details.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Take the advice of bluegrass legend Bill Monroe: Kill your best girl down by the muddy banks of the old Ohio.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Add your personal stamp to the brand-new skyscraper in town by being the very first to leap off its roof to your death.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
The stars indicate that you should go out and kill until the streets are choked with blood. But not yet! Not yet!
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Though you are a good person and a loving friend to all you know, you will still be sent to hell for your maddening lack of punctuality.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Spice up your daily life by conducting all conversations in a falsetto voice.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
A bizarre incident at an all-night diner results in your becoming the first martyr of the Right To Pie movement.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Six people will suffer laughter-induced cardiac arrest following your pro-abstinence speech.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You will soon move to a place where your horoscope does not apply.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Your love is a powerful thing. Withhold it from mortal men.
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