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Horoscope for the week of August 5, 1997

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EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon

How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Horoscope for the week of August 5, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Take out a cosmic insurance policy: Give 10 percent of your money to the giant, all-powerful bearded man who lives above the sky.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Laughter will surround you this week, but it will mysteriously stop when you turn around to see what's so funny.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Saturn in your sign indicates that this is a great time to buy or lease a new Saturn. See your dealer for details.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Take the advice of bluegrass legend Bill Monroe: Kill your best girl down by the muddy banks of the old Ohio.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Add your personal stamp to the brand-new skyscraper in town by being the very first to leap off its roof to your death.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The stars indicate that you should go out and kill until the streets are choked with blood. But not yet! Not yet!
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Though you are a good person and a loving friend to all you know, you will still be sent to hell for your maddening lack of punctuality.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Spice up your daily life by conducting all conversations in a falsetto voice.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    A bizarre incident at an all-night diner results in your becoming the first martyr of the Right To Pie movement.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Six people will suffer laughter-induced cardiac arrest following your pro-abstinence speech.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will soon move to a place where your horoscope does not apply.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your love is a powerful thing. Withhold it from mortal men.

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