Horoscope for the week of August 5, 1997

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Vol 32 Issue 01

Johnsville, Il, Renamed Walmart #11717

JOHNSVILLE, IL—In a special town-square ceremony Friday, Mayor Byron Elkins officially renamed the town of Johnsville, IL, pop. 2,372, WalMart #11717. "All WalMart #11717ians can be proud to call WalMart #11717 their home," the mayor said. "I think we can all agree that WalMart #11717 is a wonderful place to work and shop." Added Elkins: "Go WalMart #11717 High Cougars!" Other residents of WalMart #11717 were equally enthusiastic. "The arrival of WalMart in our town this year caused dozens of stores to close, eliminating over 400 jobs," said greeter and mother of three Marianne Gross. "But on the bright side, nearly 150 jobs have been created by the new store." Citizens of WalMart #11717 who behave will receive a subcutaneous corporate-identification implant chip good for an employee discount at any WalMart store.

Pierced Tongue Fails To Make Local Woman Less Boring

COLLEGE STATION, TX—Sources within the tongue-piercing community revealed Monday that area resident Jen Macalester, 20, is no less boring now than she was prior to last week's tongue-piercing at the Piercing Pagoda in College Station's CrossGates Mall. While Macalester had hoped the tongue ring would give her "an edgy, dangerous, anti-establishment air," in actuality it did little to disguise her unremarkable personality and utterly predictable tastes. In the wake of the piercing failure, Macalester has reportedly been significantly cheered up by Tuesday's release of the new 311 album.

Mars Probe Destroyed By Orbiting Spielberg-Gates Space Palace

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—NASA officials have confirmed that the space agency's $170 million Mars Rover was destroyed Sunday by a ship-to-ship phaser fired from the defense array of the $950 billion Spielberg-Gates Space Palace, an opulent, Rhode Island-sized orbiting mansion which serves as an outer-space getaway for moviemaker Steven Spielberg and computer magnate Bill Gates. While powerless to counterattack, NASA pleaded with Spielberg and Gates to be more merciful with NASA equipment in the future. "While we greatly respect the advances Mr. Spielberg and Mr. Gates have made with their privately funded space fleet, and we apologize for our unauthorized entrance into their orbit zone, we beseech them to share the solar system with us." Spokespersons for Spielberg and Gates said the two ardent video-game enthusiasts were "just playing."

Jean's Karaoke Krazy!

So there I was last Friday night, wondering where the heck hubby Rick was. He had promised to take me to see Con Air, but it was almost 15 minutes until the start of the movie and still no Rick. I called the tire center where he works, but there was no answer. Great, I thought, he's probably out at Tacky's Tavern, and I'll be stuck home tonight all alone. I changed out of my nice sweats, climbed into bed and turned on QVC.

Zweibel Goes A-Courtin'

The estate was awash in jollity and good tidings this week during the wedding of my great-great-great grandniece Violet Carstairs Zweibel to some pansy who is heir to a vast gelatin fortune. Though the ceremony was held in my own court-yard, I was locked in my bed-chamber, doubtless out of fear that I would create a scene. Lousy ingrate family of mine!

Area Tank Top Strained Nearly To Breaking Point

SMYRNA, GA—A Smyrna-area tank top is under fire from local menswear advocates, who say the garment is so severely strained that it is in imminent danger of succumbing to explosive and potentially dangerous fabric-degradation-related rupture.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of August 5, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries

    Take out a cosmic insurance policy: Give 10 percent of your money to the giant, all-powerful bearded man who lives above the sky.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Laughter will surround you this week, but it will mysteriously stop when you turn around to see what's so funny.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Saturn in your sign indicates that this is a great time to buy or lease a new Saturn. See your dealer for details.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Take the advice of bluegrass legend Bill Monroe: Kill your best girl down by the muddy banks of the old Ohio.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Add your personal stamp to the brand-new skyscraper in town by being the very first to leap off its roof to your death.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    The stars indicate that you should go out and kill until the streets are choked with blood. But not yet! Not yet!
  • Libra

    Libra

    Though you are a good person and a loving friend to all you know, you will still be sent to hell for your maddening lack of punctuality.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Spice up your daily life by conducting all conversations in a falsetto voice.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    A bizarre incident at an all-night diner results in your becoming the first martyr of the Right To Pie movement.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Six people will suffer laughter-induced cardiac arrest following your pro-abstinence speech.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You will soon move to a place where your horoscope does not apply.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Your love is a powerful thing. Withhold it from mortal men.
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