Horoscope for the week of August 5, 1997

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Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of August 5, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Take out a cosmic insurance policy: Give 10 percent of your money to the giant, all-powerful bearded man who lives above the sky.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Laughter will surround you this week, but it will mysteriously stop when you turn around to see what's so funny.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Saturn in your sign indicates that this is a great time to buy or lease a new Saturn. See your dealer for details.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Take the advice of bluegrass legend Bill Monroe: Kill your best girl down by the muddy banks of the old Ohio.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Add your personal stamp to the brand-new skyscraper in town by being the very first to leap off its roof to your death.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The stars indicate that you should go out and kill until the streets are choked with blood. But not yet! Not yet!
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Though you are a good person and a loving friend to all you know, you will still be sent to hell for your maddening lack of punctuality.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Spice up your daily life by conducting all conversations in a falsetto voice.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    A bizarre incident at an all-night diner results in your becoming the first martyr of the Right To Pie movement.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Six people will suffer laughter-induced cardiac arrest following your pro-abstinence speech.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will soon move to a place where your horoscope does not apply.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your love is a powerful thing. Withhold it from mortal men.