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As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Horoscope for the week of August 5, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Take out a cosmic insurance policy: Give 10 percent of your money to the giant, all-powerful bearded man who lives above the sky.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Laughter will surround you this week, but it will mysteriously stop when you turn around to see what's so funny.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Saturn in your sign indicates that this is a great time to buy or lease a new Saturn. See your dealer for details.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Take the advice of bluegrass legend Bill Monroe: Kill your best girl down by the muddy banks of the old Ohio.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Add your personal stamp to the brand-new skyscraper in town by being the very first to leap off its roof to your death.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The stars indicate that you should go out and kill until the streets are choked with blood. But not yet! Not yet!
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Though you are a good person and a loving friend to all you know, you will still be sent to hell for your maddening lack of punctuality.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Spice up your daily life by conducting all conversations in a falsetto voice.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    A bizarre incident at an all-night diner results in your becoming the first martyr of the Right To Pie movement.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Six people will suffer laughter-induced cardiac arrest following your pro-abstinence speech.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will soon move to a place where your horoscope does not apply.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your love is a powerful thing. Withhold it from mortal men.

More from this section

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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