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Horoscope for the week of August 5, 1997

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Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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Horoscope for the week of August 5, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Take out a cosmic insurance policy: Give 10 percent of your money to the giant, all-powerful bearded man who lives above the sky.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Laughter will surround you this week, but it will mysteriously stop when you turn around to see what's so funny.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Saturn in your sign indicates that this is a great time to buy or lease a new Saturn. See your dealer for details.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Take the advice of bluegrass legend Bill Monroe: Kill your best girl down by the muddy banks of the old Ohio.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Add your personal stamp to the brand-new skyscraper in town by being the very first to leap off its roof to your death.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The stars indicate that you should go out and kill until the streets are choked with blood. But not yet! Not yet!
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Though you are a good person and a loving friend to all you know, you will still be sent to hell for your maddening lack of punctuality.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Spice up your daily life by conducting all conversations in a falsetto voice.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    A bizarre incident at an all-night diner results in your becoming the first martyr of the Right To Pie movement.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Six people will suffer laughter-induced cardiac arrest following your pro-abstinence speech.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will soon move to a place where your horoscope does not apply.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your love is a powerful thing. Withhold it from mortal men.

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