Aries | March 21 to April 19
After using you as a test subject in an excruciating set of experiments, scientists discover that the blood vessels in a human body stretch 60,000 miles when laid end to end.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Taurus, formerly known as "The Great Bull," has been renamed "The Nice Woodchuck" because of you.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The stars have announced a recall on all '66-'79 Geminis. Please report to the nearest Gemini service center.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You begin to suspect that the Forces Of Sanders are using you for their own purposes after you eat fried chicken for the 10th night in a row.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
A band of wanton youngsters will teach you the meaning of frustration when they cavort naked about your room and grind their supple skin against your full-body cast.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
The mysterious men wearing dark suits and sunglasses who have been following you all week turn out to be Secret Service agents. There is no need for alarm, however, as you are actually former president Jimmy Carter.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
After your third year of therapy, you finally shake the idea that constellations govern your life.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
No matter who tries to hold you back, remember that the demonic voices were very insistent about who lives and who dies.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
When the professional wrestler known as "The Big Boss Man" gives you an order, do what he says. He is, after all, The Big Boss Man.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
An attractive woman will offer to make dinner for you, but don’t get your hopes up.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Earth magick is strong in Aquarius this month. However, it is only useful for getting out those tough stains.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
There is an excellent chance that extremely little will occur in your life this week.
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