Horoscope for the week of August 5, 1998

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How To Reform The Nation’s Prison System

With pressing issues such as overcrowding, overuse of solitary confinement, and the long-term incarceration of nonviolent offenders, many critics of the nation’s prison system are calling for sweeping reforms. Here are some of the proposals to improve the prison system:

Sight Of 400 War Elephants On Horizon Marks Hillary Clinton’s Arrival In Swing State

WHEELING, OH—Feeling the earth shake beneath them as they watched the procession climb over the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains toward their village, sources along the Ohio border confirmed Thursday that the sight of 400 war elephants marching on the horizon marked Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s arrival to the critical swing state.

WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of August 5, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    After using you as a test subject in an excruciating set of experiments, scientists discover that the blood vessels in a human body stretch 60,000 miles when laid end to end.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Taurus, formerly known as "The Great Bull," has been renamed "The Nice Woodchuck" because of you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The stars have announced a recall on all '66-'79 Geminis. Please report to the nearest Gemini service center.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You begin to suspect that the Forces Of Sanders are using you for their own purposes after you eat fried chicken for the 10th night in a row.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A band of wanton youngsters will teach you the meaning of frustration when they cavort naked about your room and grind their supple skin against your full-body cast.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The mysterious men wearing dark suits and sunglasses who have been following you all week turn out to be Secret Service agents. There is no need for alarm, however, as you are actually former president Jimmy Carter.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    After your third year of therapy, you finally shake the idea that constellations govern your life.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    No matter who tries to hold you back, remember that the demonic voices were very insistent about who lives and who dies.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    When the professional wrestler known as "The Big Boss Man" gives you an order, do what he says. He is, after all, The Big Boss Man.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    An attractive woman will offer to make dinner for you, but don’t get your hopes up.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Earth magick is strong in Aquarius this month. However, it is only useful for getting out those tough stains.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    There is an excellent chance that extremely little will occur in your life this week.