Horoscope for the week of August 5, 1998

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Recent News

Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

House and Home

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Horoscope for the week of August 5, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    After using you as a test subject in an excruciating set of experiments, scientists discover that the blood vessels in a human body stretch 60,000 miles when laid end to end.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Taurus, formerly known as "The Great Bull," has been renamed "The Nice Woodchuck" because of you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The stars have announced a recall on all '66-'79 Geminis. Please report to the nearest Gemini service center.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You begin to suspect that the Forces Of Sanders are using you for their own purposes after you eat fried chicken for the 10th night in a row.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A band of wanton youngsters will teach you the meaning of frustration when they cavort naked about your room and grind their supple skin against your full-body cast.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The mysterious men wearing dark suits and sunglasses who have been following you all week turn out to be Secret Service agents. There is no need for alarm, however, as you are actually former president Jimmy Carter.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    After your third year of therapy, you finally shake the idea that constellations govern your life.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    No matter who tries to hold you back, remember that the demonic voices were very insistent about who lives and who dies.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    When the professional wrestler known as "The Big Boss Man" gives you an order, do what he says. He is, after all, The Big Boss Man.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    An attractive woman will offer to make dinner for you, but don’t get your hopes up.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Earth magick is strong in Aquarius this month. However, it is only useful for getting out those tough stains.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    There is an excellent chance that extremely little will occur in your life this week.