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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Horoscope for the week of August 5, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    After using you as a test subject in an excruciating set of experiments, scientists discover that the blood vessels in a human body stretch 60,000 miles when laid end to end.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Taurus, formerly known as "The Great Bull," has been renamed "The Nice Woodchuck" because of you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The stars have announced a recall on all '66-'79 Geminis. Please report to the nearest Gemini service center.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You begin to suspect that the Forces Of Sanders are using you for their own purposes after you eat fried chicken for the 10th night in a row.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A band of wanton youngsters will teach you the meaning of frustration when they cavort naked about your room and grind their supple skin against your full-body cast.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The mysterious men wearing dark suits and sunglasses who have been following you all week turn out to be Secret Service agents. There is no need for alarm, however, as you are actually former president Jimmy Carter.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    After your third year of therapy, you finally shake the idea that constellations govern your life.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    No matter who tries to hold you back, remember that the demonic voices were very insistent about who lives and who dies.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    When the professional wrestler known as "The Big Boss Man" gives you an order, do what he says. He is, after all, The Big Boss Man.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    An attractive woman will offer to make dinner for you, but don’t get your hopes up.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Earth magick is strong in Aquarius this month. However, it is only useful for getting out those tough stains.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    There is an excellent chance that extremely little will occur in your life this week.

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