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Horoscope for the week of August 5, 1998

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How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
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Horoscope for the week of August 5, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    After using you as a test subject in an excruciating set of experiments, scientists discover that the blood vessels in a human body stretch 60,000 miles when laid end to end.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Taurus, formerly known as "The Great Bull," has been renamed "The Nice Woodchuck" because of you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The stars have announced a recall on all '66-'79 Geminis. Please report to the nearest Gemini service center.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You begin to suspect that the Forces Of Sanders are using you for their own purposes after you eat fried chicken for the 10th night in a row.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A band of wanton youngsters will teach you the meaning of frustration when they cavort naked about your room and grind their supple skin against your full-body cast.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The mysterious men wearing dark suits and sunglasses who have been following you all week turn out to be Secret Service agents. There is no need for alarm, however, as you are actually former president Jimmy Carter.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    After your third year of therapy, you finally shake the idea that constellations govern your life.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    No matter who tries to hold you back, remember that the demonic voices were very insistent about who lives and who dies.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    When the professional wrestler known as "The Big Boss Man" gives you an order, do what he says. He is, after all, The Big Boss Man.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    An attractive woman will offer to make dinner for you, but don’t get your hopes up.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Earth magick is strong in Aquarius this month. However, it is only useful for getting out those tough stains.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    There is an excellent chance that extremely little will occur in your life this week.

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