adBlockCheck

Horoscope for the week of August 5, 1998

Top Headlines

Recent News

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon

How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Holidays

Horoscope for the week of August 5, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    After using you as a test subject in an excruciating set of experiments, scientists discover that the blood vessels in a human body stretch 60,000 miles when laid end to end.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Taurus, formerly known as "The Great Bull," has been renamed "The Nice Woodchuck" because of you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The stars have announced a recall on all '66-'79 Geminis. Please report to the nearest Gemini service center.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You begin to suspect that the Forces Of Sanders are using you for their own purposes after you eat fried chicken for the 10th night in a row.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A band of wanton youngsters will teach you the meaning of frustration when they cavort naked about your room and grind their supple skin against your full-body cast.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The mysterious men wearing dark suits and sunglasses who have been following you all week turn out to be Secret Service agents. There is no need for alarm, however, as you are actually former president Jimmy Carter.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    After your third year of therapy, you finally shake the idea that constellations govern your life.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    No matter who tries to hold you back, remember that the demonic voices were very insistent about who lives and who dies.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    When the professional wrestler known as "The Big Boss Man" gives you an order, do what he says. He is, after all, The Big Boss Man.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    An attractive woman will offer to make dinner for you, but don’t get your hopes up.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Earth magick is strong in Aquarius this month. However, it is only useful for getting out those tough stains.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    There is an excellent chance that extremely little will occur in your life this week.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close