adBlockCheck

Horoscope for the week of August 6, 2003

Top Headlines

Recent News

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Horoscope for the week of August 6, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You are not noble in reason, infinite in faculty, like an angel in your actions, or especially moving in your form. However, you are a real piece of work.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Be reasonable. Just because last week's horoscope was a wildly inaccurate prediction of your future is no reason to give up on the Zodiac forever.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your plans to find love, fortune, and happiness utterly ignore the Second Law Of Thermodynamics.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You should have a relaxed week once you clear your calendar of all appointments except that strange one in Samara.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    This week could be exceptionally soul-crushing, especially if you finally complete work on that Soul Crusher.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The stars know how this is going to sound, but trust us on this one: You are, in fact, fated to meet a tall, dark stranger.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your problems in the bedroom are finally solved when you hire trained professionals to remove the raccoons.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    For centuries, great thinkers have contemplated the purpose of life. It's best to just relax and assume they've figured it out.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The Latin inscription on the amphora you found translates to "Insanity is not a necessity to work in this Senate, but helpful nonetheless."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The Coq au Vin will be a little astringent and the wine a bit audacious for the menu, but as last meals go, there have been worse.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You've always wanted a helper monkey, but your new harmer monkey will have to do.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars would love to influence your future, but they are powerless against your well-established patterns of behavior.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close