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Horoscope for the week of August 6, 2003

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What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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Horoscope for the week of August 6, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You are not noble in reason, infinite in faculty, like an angel in your actions, or especially moving in your form. However, you are a real piece of work.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Be reasonable. Just because last week's horoscope was a wildly inaccurate prediction of your future is no reason to give up on the Zodiac forever.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your plans to find love, fortune, and happiness utterly ignore the Second Law Of Thermodynamics.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You should have a relaxed week once you clear your calendar of all appointments except that strange one in Samara.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    This week could be exceptionally soul-crushing, especially if you finally complete work on that Soul Crusher.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The stars know how this is going to sound, but trust us on this one: You are, in fact, fated to meet a tall, dark stranger.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your problems in the bedroom are finally solved when you hire trained professionals to remove the raccoons.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    For centuries, great thinkers have contemplated the purpose of life. It's best to just relax and assume they've figured it out.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The Latin inscription on the amphora you found translates to "Insanity is not a necessity to work in this Senate, but helpful nonetheless."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The Coq au Vin will be a little astringent and the wine a bit audacious for the menu, but as last meals go, there have been worse.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You've always wanted a helper monkey, but your new harmer monkey will have to do.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars would love to influence your future, but they are powerless against your well-established patterns of behavior.

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