Aries | March 21 to April 19
You are not noble in reason, infinite in faculty, like an angel in your actions, or especially moving in your form. However, you are a real piece of work.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Be reasonable. Just because last week's horoscope was a wildly inaccurate prediction of your future is no reason to give up on the Zodiac forever.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Your plans to find love, fortune, and happiness utterly ignore the Second Law Of Thermodynamics.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You should have a relaxed week once you clear your calendar of all appointments except that strange one in Samara.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
This week could be exceptionally soul-crushing, especially if you finally complete work on that Soul Crusher.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
The stars know how this is going to sound, but trust us on this one: You are, in fact, fated to meet a tall, dark stranger.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Your problems in the bedroom are finally solved when you hire trained professionals to remove the raccoons.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
For centuries, great thinkers have contemplated the purpose of life. It's best to just relax and assume they've figured it out.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
The Latin inscription on the amphora you found translates to "Insanity is not a necessity to work in this Senate, but helpful nonetheless."
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
The Coq au Vin will be a little astringent and the wine a bit audacious for the menu, but as last meals go, there have been worse.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You've always wanted a helper monkey, but your new harmer monkey will have to do.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
The stars would love to influence your future, but they are powerless against your well-established patterns of behavior.
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