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Horoscope for the week of August 6, 2003

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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

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Horoscope for the week of August 6, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You are not noble in reason, infinite in faculty, like an angel in your actions, or especially moving in your form. However, you are a real piece of work.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Be reasonable. Just because last week's horoscope was a wildly inaccurate prediction of your future is no reason to give up on the Zodiac forever.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your plans to find love, fortune, and happiness utterly ignore the Second Law Of Thermodynamics.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You should have a relaxed week once you clear your calendar of all appointments except that strange one in Samara.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    This week could be exceptionally soul-crushing, especially if you finally complete work on that Soul Crusher.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The stars know how this is going to sound, but trust us on this one: You are, in fact, fated to meet a tall, dark stranger.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your problems in the bedroom are finally solved when you hire trained professionals to remove the raccoons.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    For centuries, great thinkers have contemplated the purpose of life. It's best to just relax and assume they've figured it out.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The Latin inscription on the amphora you found translates to "Insanity is not a necessity to work in this Senate, but helpful nonetheless."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The Coq au Vin will be a little astringent and the wine a bit audacious for the menu, but as last meals go, there have been worse.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You've always wanted a helper monkey, but your new harmer monkey will have to do.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars would love to influence your future, but they are powerless against your well-established patterns of behavior.

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