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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.
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Horoscope for the week of August 6, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You are not noble in reason, infinite in faculty, like an angel in your actions, or especially moving in your form. However, you are a real piece of work.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Be reasonable. Just because last week's horoscope was a wildly inaccurate prediction of your future is no reason to give up on the Zodiac forever.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your plans to find love, fortune, and happiness utterly ignore the Second Law Of Thermodynamics.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You should have a relaxed week once you clear your calendar of all appointments except that strange one in Samara.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    This week could be exceptionally soul-crushing, especially if you finally complete work on that Soul Crusher.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The stars know how this is going to sound, but trust us on this one: You are, in fact, fated to meet a tall, dark stranger.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your problems in the bedroom are finally solved when you hire trained professionals to remove the raccoons.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    For centuries, great thinkers have contemplated the purpose of life. It's best to just relax and assume they've figured it out.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The Latin inscription on the amphora you found translates to "Insanity is not a necessity to work in this Senate, but helpful nonetheless."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The Coq au Vin will be a little astringent and the wine a bit audacious for the menu, but as last meals go, there have been worse.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You've always wanted a helper monkey, but your new harmer monkey will have to do.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars would love to influence your future, but they are powerless against your well-established patterns of behavior.

More from this section

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

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