Aries | March 21 to April 19
Avoid the trap of becoming known to your coworkers as the one who tattles to the boss. Instead, become known as the one with the mallet who kills people.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The pendulum of your love life slowly swings toward the good as you discover the great joys of auto-erotic hanging.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You're the rare person whose mom didn't throw out your comic books. They're now evidence in your kiddie-porn trial.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You're in for real disappointment when you discover that blood is not the sweet wine of life, but is instead salty, coppery-tasting and sticky.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You should take some time to accept life's uncomfortable little truths. You've sired the brats of half the truckstop gals east of the Continental Divide.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Mars ascendant in your sign means that your cosmic third eye will soon open. If it doesn't, do it yourself by using an auger on your forehead.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You find out your roommate has an innocent crush on your boyfriend. Salt her tampons.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
The stars indicate that McCormick's 80-proof vodka at $3.25 a pint is the soothing elixir you need for your delirium tremens.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Trouble is to be expected on the business front. Customer satisfaction with your gasoline-based Home Flammability Kit will soon plummet to 38 percent.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Venus descendant in your sign means you need to become closer to your loved ones. Try eating their nail clippings.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Travel is in your future. Pass an entire bicycle through your body, part by part, and then ride it across the nation.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
An awkward silence will threaten to ruin one of your many blind dates this month. Break the ice by displaying your homemade necklace of census taker’s ears.
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