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Horoscope for the week of August 7, 1996

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Horoscope for the week of August 7, 1996

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Avoid the trap of becoming known to your coworkers as the one who tattles to the boss. Instead, become known as the one with the mallet who kills people.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The pendulum of your love life slowly swings toward the good as you discover the great joys of auto-erotic hanging.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You're the rare person whose mom didn't throw out your comic books. They're now evidence in your kiddie-porn trial.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You're in for real disappointment when you discover that blood is not the sweet wine of life, but is instead salty, coppery-tasting and sticky.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You should take some time to accept life's uncomfortable little truths. You've sired the brats of half the truckstop gals east of the Continental Divide.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Mars ascendant in your sign means that your cosmic third eye will soon open. If it doesn't, do it yourself by using an auger on your forehead.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You find out your roommate has an innocent crush on your boyfriend. Salt her tampons.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The stars indicate that McCormick's 80-proof vodka at $3.25 a pint is the soothing elixir you need for your delirium tremens.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Trouble is to be expected on the business front. Customer satisfaction with your gasoline-based Home Flammability Kit will soon plummet to 38 percent.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Venus descendant in your sign means you need to become closer to your loved ones. Try eating their nail clippings.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Travel is in your future. Pass an entire bicycle through your body, part by part, and then ride it across the nation.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    An awkward silence will threaten to ruin one of your many blind dates this month. Break the ice by displaying your homemade necklace of census taker’s ears.

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