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Horoscope for the week of August 7, 1996

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How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
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Horoscope for the week of August 7, 1996

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Avoid the trap of becoming known to your coworkers as the one who tattles to the boss. Instead, become known as the one with the mallet who kills people.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The pendulum of your love life slowly swings toward the good as you discover the great joys of auto-erotic hanging.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You're the rare person whose mom didn't throw out your comic books. They're now evidence in your kiddie-porn trial.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You're in for real disappointment when you discover that blood is not the sweet wine of life, but is instead salty, coppery-tasting and sticky.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You should take some time to accept life's uncomfortable little truths. You've sired the brats of half the truckstop gals east of the Continental Divide.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Mars ascendant in your sign means that your cosmic third eye will soon open. If it doesn't, do it yourself by using an auger on your forehead.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You find out your roommate has an innocent crush on your boyfriend. Salt her tampons.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The stars indicate that McCormick's 80-proof vodka at $3.25 a pint is the soothing elixir you need for your delirium tremens.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Trouble is to be expected on the business front. Customer satisfaction with your gasoline-based Home Flammability Kit will soon plummet to 38 percent.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Venus descendant in your sign means you need to become closer to your loved ones. Try eating their nail clippings.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Travel is in your future. Pass an entire bicycle through your body, part by part, and then ride it across the nation.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    An awkward silence will threaten to ruin one of your many blind dates this month. Break the ice by displaying your homemade necklace of census taker’s ears.

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