Horoscope for the week of August 7, 1996

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Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Local Household Announces Plans To Overdo Halloween Again

HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Having hauled over a dozen boxes of lights and plastic decorations as well as a large black-cat-shaped lawn inflatable from storage, members of the Hutchcroft family announced to neighbors from their front yard Thursday their plan to completely overdo Halloween again this year.

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Horoscope for the week of August 7, 1996

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Avoid the trap of becoming known to your coworkers as the one who tattles to the boss. Instead, become known as the one with the mallet who kills people.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The pendulum of your love life slowly swings toward the good as you discover the great joys of auto-erotic hanging.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You're the rare person whose mom didn't throw out your comic books. They're now evidence in your kiddie-porn trial.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You're in for real disappointment when you discover that blood is not the sweet wine of life, but is instead salty, coppery-tasting and sticky.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You should take some time to accept life's uncomfortable little truths. You've sired the brats of half the truckstop gals east of the Continental Divide.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Mars ascendant in your sign means that your cosmic third eye will soon open. If it doesn't, do it yourself by using an auger on your forehead.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You find out your roommate has an innocent crush on your boyfriend. Salt her tampons.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The stars indicate that McCormick's 80-proof vodka at $3.25 a pint is the soothing elixir you need for your delirium tremens.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Trouble is to be expected on the business front. Customer satisfaction with your gasoline-based Home Flammability Kit will soon plummet to 38 percent.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Venus descendant in your sign means you need to become closer to your loved ones. Try eating their nail clippings.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Travel is in your future. Pass an entire bicycle through your body, part by part, and then ride it across the nation.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    An awkward silence will threaten to ruin one of your many blind dates this month. Break the ice by displaying your homemade necklace of census taker’s ears.