Horoscope for the week of August 7, 1996

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Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Satisfaction

  • Man’s Body Running Out Of Ideas To Convince Him He Full

    BAYTOWN, TX—Having repeatedly ratcheted up the 34-year-old’s level of discomfort with no noticeable effect on his behavior, the body of local man Kent Dugan confirmed Wednesday that it was starting to run out of ideas to convince him that he was full.

Entertainment

  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Horoscope for the week of August 7, 1996

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Avoid the trap of becoming known to your coworkers as the one who tattles to the boss. Instead, become known as the one with the mallet who kills people.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The pendulum of your love life slowly swings toward the good as you discover the great joys of auto-erotic hanging.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You're the rare person whose mom didn't throw out your comic books. They're now evidence in your kiddie-porn trial.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You're in for real disappointment when you discover that blood is not the sweet wine of life, but is instead salty, coppery-tasting and sticky.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You should take some time to accept life's uncomfortable little truths. You've sired the brats of half the truckstop gals east of the Continental Divide.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Mars ascendant in your sign means that your cosmic third eye will soon open. If it doesn't, do it yourself by using an auger on your forehead.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You find out your roommate has an innocent crush on your boyfriend. Salt her tampons.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The stars indicate that McCormick's 80-proof vodka at $3.25 a pint is the soothing elixir you need for your delirium tremens.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Trouble is to be expected on the business front. Customer satisfaction with your gasoline-based Home Flammability Kit will soon plummet to 38 percent.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Venus descendant in your sign means you need to become closer to your loved ones. Try eating their nail clippings.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Travel is in your future. Pass an entire bicycle through your body, part by part, and then ride it across the nation.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    An awkward silence will threaten to ruin one of your many blind dates this month. Break the ice by displaying your homemade necklace of census taker’s ears.