Aries | March 21 to April 19
Some things just go together perfectly, but no one would've believed it was true about cocaine and rhinos until you came along.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Your motto has always been "Kill 'em all and let God sort 'em out,'' but only in reference to germs that cause coughing, sneezing, and congestion.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Though you enjoy doing the Times crossword puzzle, your addiction to the thrill of anticipation means there's nothing worse than finishing it.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You're a man magnet, which, while enjoyable, does mean you're constantly demagnetizing your credit cards.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You will shatter existing records for speed and distance when you're struck by a car while walking across the Bonneville Salt Flats.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
If you do the naughty things you really want to do, you'll become popular and enjoy yourself, but occasionally feel bad.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You will suffer contusions, fractures, and a hard slap after your short, poorly planned career as the Unicycling Kissing Bandit.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You're fine with using a rifle and sleeping in a tent for the next three weeks, but you can't figure out what kind of army uses temporary employees.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Your boyfriend says he isn't going to put up with much more of your crap, but now you've got little bows to put on it.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
It's said that there's a thin line between love and hate, but that's just a metaphor. Stop asking what color it is.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You were brought up to believe that if you toed the company line, worked hard, and never spoke out of turn, you'd be rewarded. Well, you're president, so there's something to it.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Eventually, you'll have to face the truth: Your third-grade teacher was paid to not publicly humiliate you.
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