Horoscope for the week of August 7, 2002

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Vol 38 Issue 28

Family Dog Barking At Evil

MEDFORD, OR—Spraggles, the Reid family's terrier, was barking at evil again Monday, his canine instincts detecting the presence of an unseen sinister force. "What on Earth is he carrying on about?" asked owner Ed Reid, watching Spraggles bark at a hall closet. "There's nothing in that closet but Grandma's old wedding gown and a hammer." Spraggles then headed to the backyard to bark at more evil, this time in the form of a newspaper page swirling in the wind.

Cash-Strapped Michael Jackson Forced To Sell Off Pet Giraffes As Meat

NEVERLAND VALLEY RANCH, CA—Nearly bankrupt due to Sony exploitation and under-promotion, Michael Jackson was forced to sell more than two dozen of his beloved pet giraffes to exotic-meat suppliers Monday. "I will greatly miss Patches and Princess and the other giraffes," Jackson said in a statement read by his lawyer. "But Tommy Mottola has cruelly left me with no choice but to pawn off some of my dearest friends in order to survive." Jackson's financial situation is reportedly so dire that he's also had to make do with a bargain-brand anal bleach.

Police Seek Poorly Drawn Man

DETROIT—Four days after the murder of liquor-store clerk Bernard Golub, police announced Tuesday that they are seeking a poorly drawn man in his 40s. "All units have been advised to be on the lookout for a 5-foot-9 Caucasian with dark hair and a lopsided face that looks all wrong in the jaw area," police chief Jerry Oliver said. Oliver added that the suspect has a scar across his forehead, or possibly just a mistake that wasn't fully erased.

Man Runs Out Of Questions To Ask 4-Year-Old

CAMDEN, SC—Two minutes into the interaction, David Linn ran out of questions to ask coworker Ron Marcone's 4-year-old son Luke. "I asked him his name, his age, if he has any brothers or sisters, if he's started school, his favorite food, what he wants to be when he grows up, and at least 20 things about the truck he was playing with," Linn said Monday. "After that, I just hit a wall." Linn added that he has newfound respect for Bill Cosby.

I'm Really Going To Miss This Task Force

As I look around this table, I see a group of people dedicated to improving the quality of school transportation in the North Rochester School District. More importantly, though, I see a group of people I will be very sorry to leave behind. I don't want to sound too gushy or sentimental, but I'm really going to miss this task force.

Home Sex Tape Watched Once

ATLANTA—A 17-minute home sex tape made by Dennis and Tami Gilby in early May has not been watched since its initial viewing. "I guess I thought it was something we'd watch every so often to get our juices flowing, but we haven't," Dennis said Monday. "Neither of us look too good, and we move around a lot less than I'd imagined. Plus, it was a single, wide shot of the bed, and the picture wasn't white-balanced very well." Dennis added that he thinks he may already have taped over the footage with some West Wing episodes.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of August 7, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries

    Some things just go together perfectly, but no one would've believed it was true about cocaine and rhinos until you came along.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Your motto has always been "Kill 'em all and let God sort 'em out,'' but only in reference to germs that cause coughing, sneezing, and congestion.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Though you enjoy doing the Times crossword puzzle, your addiction to the thrill of anticipation means there's nothing worse than finishing it.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You're a man magnet, which, while enjoyable, does mean you're constantly demagnetizing your credit cards.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You will shatter existing records for speed and distance when you're struck by a car while walking across the Bonneville Salt Flats.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    If you do the naughty things you really want to do, you'll become popular and enjoy yourself, but occasionally feel bad.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You will suffer contusions, fractures, and a hard slap after your short, poorly planned career as the Unicycling Kissing Bandit.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You're fine with using a rifle and sleeping in a tent for the next three weeks, but you can't figure out what kind of army uses temporary employees.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Your boyfriend says he isn't going to put up with much more of your crap, but now you've got little bows to put on it.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    It's said that there's a thin line between love and hate, but that's just a metaphor. Stop asking what color it is.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You were brought up to believe that if you toed the company line, worked hard, and never spoke out of turn, you'd be rewarded. Well, you're president, so there's something to it.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Eventually, you'll have to face the truth: Your third-grade teacher was paid to not publicly humiliate you.
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