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Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.
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Horoscope for the week of August 7, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Some things just go together perfectly, but no one would've believed it was true about cocaine and rhinos until you came along.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your motto has always been "Kill 'em all and let God sort 'em out,'' but only in reference to germs that cause coughing, sneezing, and congestion.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Though you enjoy doing the Times crossword puzzle, your addiction to the thrill of anticipation means there's nothing worse than finishing it.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You're a man magnet, which, while enjoyable, does mean you're constantly demagnetizing your credit cards.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will shatter existing records for speed and distance when you're struck by a car while walking across the Bonneville Salt Flats.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    If you do the naughty things you really want to do, you'll become popular and enjoy yourself, but occasionally feel bad.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will suffer contusions, fractures, and a hard slap after your short, poorly planned career as the Unicycling Kissing Bandit.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You're fine with using a rifle and sleeping in a tent for the next three weeks, but you can't figure out what kind of army uses temporary employees.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your boyfriend says he isn't going to put up with much more of your crap, but now you've got little bows to put on it.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It's said that there's a thin line between love and hate, but that's just a metaphor. Stop asking what color it is.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You were brought up to believe that if you toed the company line, worked hard, and never spoke out of turn, you'd be rewarded. Well, you're president, so there's something to it.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Eventually, you'll have to face the truth: Your third-grade teacher was paid to not publicly humiliate you.

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