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Horoscope for the week of August 7, 2002

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What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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Horoscope for the week of August 7, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Some things just go together perfectly, but no one would've believed it was true about cocaine and rhinos until you came along.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your motto has always been "Kill 'em all and let God sort 'em out,'' but only in reference to germs that cause coughing, sneezing, and congestion.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Though you enjoy doing the Times crossword puzzle, your addiction to the thrill of anticipation means there's nothing worse than finishing it.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You're a man magnet, which, while enjoyable, does mean you're constantly demagnetizing your credit cards.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will shatter existing records for speed and distance when you're struck by a car while walking across the Bonneville Salt Flats.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    If you do the naughty things you really want to do, you'll become popular and enjoy yourself, but occasionally feel bad.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will suffer contusions, fractures, and a hard slap after your short, poorly planned career as the Unicycling Kissing Bandit.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You're fine with using a rifle and sleeping in a tent for the next three weeks, but you can't figure out what kind of army uses temporary employees.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your boyfriend says he isn't going to put up with much more of your crap, but now you've got little bows to put on it.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It's said that there's a thin line between love and hate, but that's just a metaphor. Stop asking what color it is.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You were brought up to believe that if you toed the company line, worked hard, and never spoke out of turn, you'd be rewarded. Well, you're president, so there's something to it.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Eventually, you'll have to face the truth: Your third-grade teacher was paid to not publicly humiliate you.

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