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Horoscope for the week of August 7, 2002

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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture
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Horoscope for the week of August 7, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Some things just go together perfectly, but no one would've believed it was true about cocaine and rhinos until you came along.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your motto has always been "Kill 'em all and let God sort 'em out,'' but only in reference to germs that cause coughing, sneezing, and congestion.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Though you enjoy doing the Times crossword puzzle, your addiction to the thrill of anticipation means there's nothing worse than finishing it.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You're a man magnet, which, while enjoyable, does mean you're constantly demagnetizing your credit cards.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will shatter existing records for speed and distance when you're struck by a car while walking across the Bonneville Salt Flats.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    If you do the naughty things you really want to do, you'll become popular and enjoy yourself, but occasionally feel bad.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will suffer contusions, fractures, and a hard slap after your short, poorly planned career as the Unicycling Kissing Bandit.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You're fine with using a rifle and sleeping in a tent for the next three weeks, but you can't figure out what kind of army uses temporary employees.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your boyfriend says he isn't going to put up with much more of your crap, but now you've got little bows to put on it.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It's said that there's a thin line between love and hate, but that's just a metaphor. Stop asking what color it is.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You were brought up to believe that if you toed the company line, worked hard, and never spoke out of turn, you'd be rewarded. Well, you're president, so there's something to it.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Eventually, you'll have to face the truth: Your third-grade teacher was paid to not publicly humiliate you.

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