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Horoscope for the week of August 7, 2002

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Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant

The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of August 7, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Some things just go together perfectly, but no one would've believed it was true about cocaine and rhinos until you came along.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your motto has always been "Kill 'em all and let God sort 'em out,'' but only in reference to germs that cause coughing, sneezing, and congestion.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Though you enjoy doing the Times crossword puzzle, your addiction to the thrill of anticipation means there's nothing worse than finishing it.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You're a man magnet, which, while enjoyable, does mean you're constantly demagnetizing your credit cards.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will shatter existing records for speed and distance when you're struck by a car while walking across the Bonneville Salt Flats.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    If you do the naughty things you really want to do, you'll become popular and enjoy yourself, but occasionally feel bad.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will suffer contusions, fractures, and a hard slap after your short, poorly planned career as the Unicycling Kissing Bandit.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You're fine with using a rifle and sleeping in a tent for the next three weeks, but you can't figure out what kind of army uses temporary employees.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your boyfriend says he isn't going to put up with much more of your crap, but now you've got little bows to put on it.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It's said that there's a thin line between love and hate, but that's just a metaphor. Stop asking what color it is.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You were brought up to believe that if you toed the company line, worked hard, and never spoke out of turn, you'd be rewarded. Well, you're president, so there's something to it.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Eventually, you'll have to face the truth: Your third-grade teacher was paid to not publicly humiliate you.

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