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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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Horoscope for the week of August 8, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will be forced to admit that being up to your neck in pussy is not as sexy as it sounded.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars indicate that more Zodiac signs choose Jif than any other leading brand of peanut butter.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A team of FDA physicians and researchers will soon come out with a 45-page, item-by-item recall of everything you've eaten in the past six months.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your love life will take a turn for the better when you begin to incorporate lessons gleaned from Clausewitz's On War.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your love for the classic American folk song "Goodnight Irene" will soon have the media referring to you as the Goodnight Irene Slasher.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Just because the ambulances go by at high speeds does not mean they want to race you.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your life will continue its pattern of long stretches of boredom punctuated by intense moments of wondering what exactly nougat is.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your office romance begins to go awry when your coworkers realize that it's more of an office-furniture romance.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your date will somehow fail to be pacified when told that your tail is not, in fact, prehensile.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will free up several hours in your week when you realize that there is no need for you to hold daily eating practice.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Saul Bellow has called modern life "an unbearable state of distraction," but you seem to enjoy it well enough.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Before you use the words ennui, angst, or weltschmertz one more time, the stars politely request that you look them up and find out what they actually mean.

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