Horoscope for the week of August 8, 2001

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Vol 37 Issue 27

TV Sports' Ratings Slide

Televised sports is in the midst of a decade-long ratings slump. What do you think of the steadily dwindling viewership?

That Guy From That One Show Spotted With The Girl From The Shampoo Ad

LOS ANGELES–According to Hollywood insiders, that guy who plays the doctor with the beard on that one show was spotted at this L.A. restaurant with the blonde chick who takes the shower in the airplane bathroom in that one shampoo commercial. "She was wearing this red, glittery dress," said that blonde Extra reporter who just had a baby. "And the guy was like, 'Hey, I'm dating the shampoo girl.'" The sighting laid to rest rumors that the guy is engaged to that girl who played the waitress in the movie about cars that came out a few weeks ago.

Elementary Schooler Clearly Just Learned To Swear

ALEXANDRIA, LA–Lakeview Elementary School first-grader Ian Schweder has clearly just taken his first steps into the world of swearing, classroom sources reported Monday. "He must've just seen a sweary movie," classmate Caitlin Lorenz said. "He always runs around the playground yelling, 'Fucky fucky shit fuck,' and dirty stuff like that." In the past two days, Schweder has composed a ribald song titled "Shit Shit Boobies," covered three sheets of notebook paper with scatological malediction, and attempted to tell a joke about "a girl who saw a boy's pussy."

Richard Grieco's Star Power Inadvertently Donated To Goodwill

LOS ANGELES–Former 21 Jump Street and Booker star Richard Grieco accidentally gave his star power to charity Monday, when a truck collecting for Goodwill Industries of Southern California made off with his charisma. "I just told the driver to help himself to whatever was in the garage," said the 36-year-old Grieco, star of 1991's If Looks Could Kill. "I had no idea my star power was in there." Grieco attempted to buy back his celebrity magnetism at the La Brea Avenue Goodwill store several hours later, only to be told that Jorge Reyes of East Los Angeles had purchased it for $4.

Senate Votes To Add Gratuity To All Bills Of Eight Provisions Or More

WASHINGTON, DC–By a 74-20 margin, the U.S. Senate approved a resolution Monday guaranteeing lawmakers a 15 percent gratuity for all bills containing eight provisions or more. "Some of the bills around here run into the billions," U.S. Sen. Sam Brownback (R-KS) said. "This is our way of making sure we don't get stiffed." Later that day, Brownback received an $825 million gratuity on a $5.3 billion arms-appropriation bill he authored.

Slain Cop Had Only 37 Years Until Retirement

DETROIT–In a tragic twist of fate, Detroit police officer Stephen Brophy was cut down in the line of duty Monday, just 37 years before he was to retire. "Just yesterday, Stephen was talking about all the plans he and his wife had for 2038," said officer Pete Driscoll, Brophy's short-time partner, who was with the 28-year-old when he was fatally shot by an armed robber. "They were going to tour the country in an RV or maybe build a house in Maine, right after Stephen wrapped up his last four decades on the force." Added Driscoll: "His greatest wish was to see his daughter get married. Or his son if it was a boy."

Clinton's First Week In Harlem

Last Tuesday, Bill Clinton officially moved into his new office in Harlem. How did the former president spend his first week in the neighborhood?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of August 8, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries

    You will be forced to admit that being up to your neck in pussy is not as sexy as it sounded.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    The stars indicate that more Zodiac signs choose Jif than any other leading brand of peanut butter.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    A team of FDA physicians and researchers will soon come out with a 45-page, item-by-item recall of everything you've eaten in the past six months.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Your love life will take a turn for the better when you begin to incorporate lessons gleaned from Clausewitz's On War.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Your love for the classic American folk song "Goodnight Irene" will soon have the media referring to you as the Goodnight Irene Slasher.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Just because the ambulances go by at high speeds does not mean they want to race you.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Your life will continue its pattern of long stretches of boredom punctuated by intense moments of wondering what exactly nougat is.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Your office romance begins to go awry when your coworkers realize that it's more of an office-furniture romance.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Your date will somehow fail to be pacified when told that your tail is not, in fact, prehensile.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You will free up several hours in your week when you realize that there is no need for you to hold daily eating practice.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Saul Bellow has called modern life "an unbearable state of distraction," but you seem to enjoy it well enough.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Before you use the words ennui, angst, or weltschmertz one more time, the stars politely request that you look them up and find out what they actually mean.
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