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Horoscope for the week of August 8, 2001

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SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.
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Horoscope for the week of August 8, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will be forced to admit that being up to your neck in pussy is not as sexy as it sounded.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars indicate that more Zodiac signs choose Jif than any other leading brand of peanut butter.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A team of FDA physicians and researchers will soon come out with a 45-page, item-by-item recall of everything you've eaten in the past six months.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your love life will take a turn for the better when you begin to incorporate lessons gleaned from Clausewitz's On War.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your love for the classic American folk song "Goodnight Irene" will soon have the media referring to you as the Goodnight Irene Slasher.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Just because the ambulances go by at high speeds does not mean they want to race you.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your life will continue its pattern of long stretches of boredom punctuated by intense moments of wondering what exactly nougat is.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your office romance begins to go awry when your coworkers realize that it's more of an office-furniture romance.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your date will somehow fail to be pacified when told that your tail is not, in fact, prehensile.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will free up several hours in your week when you realize that there is no need for you to hold daily eating practice.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Saul Bellow has called modern life "an unbearable state of distraction," but you seem to enjoy it well enough.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Before you use the words ennui, angst, or weltschmertz one more time, the stars politely request that you look them up and find out what they actually mean.

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