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Horoscope for the week of August 8, 2001

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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race
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Horoscope for the week of August 8, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will be forced to admit that being up to your neck in pussy is not as sexy as it sounded.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars indicate that more Zodiac signs choose Jif than any other leading brand of peanut butter.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A team of FDA physicians and researchers will soon come out with a 45-page, item-by-item recall of everything you've eaten in the past six months.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your love life will take a turn for the better when you begin to incorporate lessons gleaned from Clausewitz's On War.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your love for the classic American folk song "Goodnight Irene" will soon have the media referring to you as the Goodnight Irene Slasher.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Just because the ambulances go by at high speeds does not mean they want to race you.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your life will continue its pattern of long stretches of boredom punctuated by intense moments of wondering what exactly nougat is.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your office romance begins to go awry when your coworkers realize that it's more of an office-furniture romance.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your date will somehow fail to be pacified when told that your tail is not, in fact, prehensile.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will free up several hours in your week when you realize that there is no need for you to hold daily eating practice.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Saul Bellow has called modern life "an unbearable state of distraction," but you seem to enjoy it well enough.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Before you use the words ennui, angst, or weltschmertz one more time, the stars politely request that you look them up and find out what they actually mean.

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