Horoscope for the week of August 8, 2001

Top Headlines

Recent News

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Horoscope for the week of August 8, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will be forced to admit that being up to your neck in pussy is not as sexy as it sounded.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars indicate that more Zodiac signs choose Jif than any other leading brand of peanut butter.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A team of FDA physicians and researchers will soon come out with a 45-page, item-by-item recall of everything you've eaten in the past six months.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your love life will take a turn for the better when you begin to incorporate lessons gleaned from Clausewitz's On War.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your love for the classic American folk song "Goodnight Irene" will soon have the media referring to you as the Goodnight Irene Slasher.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Just because the ambulances go by at high speeds does not mean they want to race you.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your life will continue its pattern of long stretches of boredom punctuated by intense moments of wondering what exactly nougat is.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your office romance begins to go awry when your coworkers realize that it's more of an office-furniture romance.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your date will somehow fail to be pacified when told that your tail is not, in fact, prehensile.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will free up several hours in your week when you realize that there is no need for you to hold daily eating practice.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Saul Bellow has called modern life "an unbearable state of distraction," but you seem to enjoy it well enough.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Before you use the words ennui, angst, or weltschmertz one more time, the stars politely request that you look them up and find out what they actually mean.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close