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Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Horoscope for the week of August 9, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    In your explanation to the EMTs, you get no further than the part where you were "just trying to get the badger back into the mason jar."
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Mercury ascends briefly in Taurus this week but then suddenly disappears when the sun explodes.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It's not easy to sit up in the sky and tell the people of the world their fortunes. That's why the stars have been imagining them in their underwear lately.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your life will be imbued with a deep sadness this week, but you'll be able to ignore it as usual.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The interesting thing about your future isn't its extreme brevity, but how many angry, drunken Cossacks it holds.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will have plenty of time to reflect on the vagaries of modern capitalism while being dragged behind a Learjet by your tie next week.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    There is absolutely nothing wrong with you that a miraculous breakthrough in the treatment of post-metastasized brain tumors couldn't cure.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Happily, that person you met over the Internet will turn out to be a kind, personable, well-balanced individual. You're the stalker.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    This week, you will provide a good example of what happens to people who undertip funeral directors.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Sure enough, if you drive the ice-cream truck backwards, it plays "Pop Goes The Weasel" backwards, too. See how fast you can play it backwards!
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    If someone tells you that whales are not fish but aquatic mammals one more time, you're going to kill somebody.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    That's it: Pisces isn't going to do any more horoscopes for you unless you start showing some damn appreciation.

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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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