Horoscope for the week of August 9, 2000

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Vol 36 Issue 27

Area Maggot Has Urgent News About Reincarnation

NEONTA, NY–A cabbage maggot called a press conference Tuesday to reveal "urgent" news concerning humanity and the afterlife. "First and foremost, I can tell you from firsthand experience that reincarnation is very real," the maggot said. "Second, though becoming a corporate attorney may seem like an easy route to making loads of money and living the good life, it will ultimately leave you feeling profoundly empty inside. Become a teacher or social worker instead." The maggot then returned to eating a rotting dog carcass.

Needle-Exchange Program Attracting 'Druggies'

CLEVELAND–A city-sponsored "Be Safe, Be Clean" needle-exchange program is in limbo due to suspicions that "dope-heads" and "druggies" may be using the program to obtain free drug paraphernalia, sources reported Monday. "Our intent was to encourage citizens who regularly use syringes to hypodermically inject substances into their bodies to use clean syringes instead of passing needles back and forth between friends, thus reducing the risk of disease," program spokesman James Dunwoody said. "But instead, our program seems to be attracting junkies and other unsavory criminal elements." Dunwoody said the program will be discontinued if the city's smack fiends do not stop abusing it.

Young Couple Hasn't Yet Realized They Don't Have To Do Grocery Shopping, Laundry Together

BREMERTON, WA–According to observers, Jon Lowe, 22, and Rachel Dennard, 21, have not yet realized that grocery shopping and laundry can be accomplished by a single person. "I was at the laundromat yesterday and saw the two of them loading clothes into the dryer together," fellow Bremerton resident Michelle Ganz, 37, said Monday. "I guess being apart for the time it takes to toss some shit in the wash is an eternity of longing for those two."

Zweibel's Metamorphosis

Observant readers of this paper know that the first week of August is traditionally set aside in the Zweibel household for the scald-cleaning, acid-etching, and shriving of my iron-lung, and this year was no different. Last Sunday, Doc McGillicuddy arrived in my bed-chamber and, with the help of the stable-boy Augustus and a pair of swarthy roust-abouts from the village smithy, removed my time-blasted carcass from its tomb. An audible hissing pop accompanied the loosening of the last bolt, and at the sight of my leprous fore-arms and the great plates of scabrous horn which have overgrown my chest, the roust-abouts screamed like a pair of God-damned fat ladies. Doc McGillicuddy, seeing that I was apoplectic with rage, filled my veins with the laudanum and transferred me once again to the wheeled death-bed that is my temporary resting place on these occasions. Exhausted from the effort, I fell into a fit-ful sleep.

Bush Takes The Lead

Gaining steam after last week's Republican National Convention, presidential candidate George W. Bush enjoys a strong lead over Al Gore in the polls. What do you think about his recent surge?

Sign Of The Crossed

Well, Jeanketeers, I really messed up big this time. No, I didn't put dark clothes in with the light ones again. And, no, I didn't accidentally erase hubby Rick's Winston Cup series videotapes, either. I'm having a hard time knowing how to put this, but, well, let's just say I'm sorry about all the born-again Christian stuff I said in my last column. I thought I was born again, but I guess I'm not.

Republicans' 'Diversity Through Imported Africans' Plan Criticized

WASHINGTON, DC–A plank in the Republican Party platform calling for a 'Diversity Through Imported Africans' program is drawing fire from civil-rights leaders. "I do not see why the NAACP would be opposed to the further enrichment of our nation's glorious patchwork of races," U.S. Sen. Jesse Helms (R-NC), co-author of the plan, said Monday. "We merely seek to increase America's already remarkable diversity through the importation of 10 million strong-backed West African males. These healthy, disease-free males from such nations as Gabon, Benin, and Togo will only add spice to the wondrous cultural stew that is America." Helms added that the plan will also create millions of jobs in the fields of housekeeping and farmwork.
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Horoscope for the week of August 9, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries

    In your explanation to the EMTs, you get no further than the part where you were "just trying to get the badger back into the mason jar."
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Mercury ascends briefly in Taurus this week but then suddenly disappears when the sun explodes.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    It's not easy to sit up in the sky and tell the people of the world their fortunes. That's why the stars have been imagining them in their underwear lately.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Your life will be imbued with a deep sadness this week, but you'll be able to ignore it as usual.
  • Leo

    Leo

    The interesting thing about your future isn't its extreme brevity, but how many angry, drunken Cossacks it holds.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You will have plenty of time to reflect on the vagaries of modern capitalism while being dragged behind a Learjet by your tie next week.
  • Libra

    Libra

    There is absolutely nothing wrong with you that a miraculous breakthrough in the treatment of post-metastasized brain tumors couldn't cure.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Happily, that person you met over the Internet will turn out to be a kind, personable, well-balanced individual. You're the stalker.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    This week, you will provide a good example of what happens to people who undertip funeral directors.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Sure enough, if you drive the ice-cream truck backwards, it plays "Pop Goes The Weasel" backwards, too. See how fast you can play it backwards!
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    If someone tells you that whales are not fish but aquatic mammals one more time, you're going to kill somebody.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    That's it: Pisces isn't going to do any more horoscopes for you unless you start showing some damn appreciation.
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