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Horoscope for the week of August 9, 2000

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Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

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Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Horoscope for the week of August 9, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    In your explanation to the EMTs, you get no further than the part where you were "just trying to get the badger back into the mason jar."
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Mercury ascends briefly in Taurus this week but then suddenly disappears when the sun explodes.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It's not easy to sit up in the sky and tell the people of the world their fortunes. That's why the stars have been imagining them in their underwear lately.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your life will be imbued with a deep sadness this week, but you'll be able to ignore it as usual.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The interesting thing about your future isn't its extreme brevity, but how many angry, drunken Cossacks it holds.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will have plenty of time to reflect on the vagaries of modern capitalism while being dragged behind a Learjet by your tie next week.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    There is absolutely nothing wrong with you that a miraculous breakthrough in the treatment of post-metastasized brain tumors couldn't cure.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Happily, that person you met over the Internet will turn out to be a kind, personable, well-balanced individual. You're the stalker.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    This week, you will provide a good example of what happens to people who undertip funeral directors.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Sure enough, if you drive the ice-cream truck backwards, it plays "Pop Goes The Weasel" backwards, too. See how fast you can play it backwards!
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    If someone tells you that whales are not fish but aquatic mammals one more time, you're going to kill somebody.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    That's it: Pisces isn't going to do any more horoscopes for you unless you start showing some damn appreciation.

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