Horoscope for the week of August 9, 2000

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Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

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Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.

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Horoscope for the week of August 9, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    In your explanation to the EMTs, you get no further than the part where you were "just trying to get the badger back into the mason jar."
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Mercury ascends briefly in Taurus this week but then suddenly disappears when the sun explodes.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It's not easy to sit up in the sky and tell the people of the world their fortunes. That's why the stars have been imagining them in their underwear lately.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your life will be imbued with a deep sadness this week, but you'll be able to ignore it as usual.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The interesting thing about your future isn't its extreme brevity, but how many angry, drunken Cossacks it holds.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will have plenty of time to reflect on the vagaries of modern capitalism while being dragged behind a Learjet by your tie next week.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    There is absolutely nothing wrong with you that a miraculous breakthrough in the treatment of post-metastasized brain tumors couldn't cure.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Happily, that person you met over the Internet will turn out to be a kind, personable, well-balanced individual. You're the stalker.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    This week, you will provide a good example of what happens to people who undertip funeral directors.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Sure enough, if you drive the ice-cream truck backwards, it plays "Pop Goes The Weasel" backwards, too. See how fast you can play it backwards!
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    If someone tells you that whales are not fish but aquatic mammals one more time, you're going to kill somebody.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    That's it: Pisces isn't going to do any more horoscopes for you unless you start showing some damn appreciation.


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