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Horoscope for the week of August 9, 2000

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Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
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Horoscope for the week of August 9, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    In your explanation to the EMTs, you get no further than the part where you were "just trying to get the badger back into the mason jar."
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Mercury ascends briefly in Taurus this week but then suddenly disappears when the sun explodes.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It's not easy to sit up in the sky and tell the people of the world their fortunes. That's why the stars have been imagining them in their underwear lately.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your life will be imbued with a deep sadness this week, but you'll be able to ignore it as usual.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The interesting thing about your future isn't its extreme brevity, but how many angry, drunken Cossacks it holds.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will have plenty of time to reflect on the vagaries of modern capitalism while being dragged behind a Learjet by your tie next week.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    There is absolutely nothing wrong with you that a miraculous breakthrough in the treatment of post-metastasized brain tumors couldn't cure.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Happily, that person you met over the Internet will turn out to be a kind, personable, well-balanced individual. You're the stalker.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    This week, you will provide a good example of what happens to people who undertip funeral directors.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Sure enough, if you drive the ice-cream truck backwards, it plays "Pop Goes The Weasel" backwards, too. See how fast you can play it backwards!
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    If someone tells you that whales are not fish but aquatic mammals one more time, you're going to kill somebody.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    That's it: Pisces isn't going to do any more horoscopes for you unless you start showing some damn appreciation.

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