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Horoscope for the week of December 1, 1999

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Report: Someone Needs To Get Chips And Dip Away From Area Man

EDISON, NJ—Repeatedly emphasizing that the ruffled potato chips and accompanying French onion dip were just too good, a report released Thursday confirmed that someone needs to get them away from local partygoer Ian Ashcraft before he eats the whole thing.

Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of December 1, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will soon learn that it takes more to make a man a doctor than a sharp set of steak knives and a degree from a truck-driving school.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    No one can communicate effectively without the right tools, so make sure you have a good set of bench, shoulder and block planes.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Take things day by day this week, even if you have the ability to exist outside of time.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Nobody likes a tattle-tale, but all the world loves a lover. Split the difference by tattling on your lovers.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Please quit asking your friends and family if somebody said "McDonald's."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Fire and air magicks are strong in Virgo this week, which should be all the hint you need to avoid air travel.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Though you have a hard time believing you were switched at birth, your resemblance to your alleged littermates is undeniable.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Despite the testimony of witnesses, the preponderance of compelling evidence, and the fact that it all seems to fit, no one will buy your theory on JFK's suicide.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    If you don't overcome your fears and tell your spouse how much you love him, you'll burst. Next week, you will actually burst.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will be blindsided by a disaster that any decent system for predicting the future should have been able to warn you about.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Trouble looms at work when your office romance turns into an office murder mystery.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    While it's true that you won't win any beauty contests, take heart: At least you're not one of those brainiacs, either.

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