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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Horoscope for the week of December 1, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will soon learn that it takes more to make a man a doctor than a sharp set of steak knives and a degree from a truck-driving school.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    No one can communicate effectively without the right tools, so make sure you have a good set of bench, shoulder and block planes.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Take things day by day this week, even if you have the ability to exist outside of time.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Nobody likes a tattle-tale, but all the world loves a lover. Split the difference by tattling on your lovers.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Please quit asking your friends and family if somebody said "McDonald's."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Fire and air magicks are strong in Virgo this week, which should be all the hint you need to avoid air travel.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Though you have a hard time believing you were switched at birth, your resemblance to your alleged littermates is undeniable.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Despite the testimony of witnesses, the preponderance of compelling evidence, and the fact that it all seems to fit, no one will buy your theory on JFK's suicide.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    If you don't overcome your fears and tell your spouse how much you love him, you'll burst. Next week, you will actually burst.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will be blindsided by a disaster that any decent system for predicting the future should have been able to warn you about.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Trouble looms at work when your office romance turns into an office murder mystery.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    While it's true that you won't win any beauty contests, take heart: At least you're not one of those brainiacs, either.
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