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Horoscope for the week of December 1, 2004

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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture
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Horoscope for the week of December 1, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You fail to see why people are trying to stop you from crying because you have no shoes. Dammit, you're in a lot of foot pain.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    There are some unreasonable types out there who object to your wanting everyone to be a nice, normal skin color.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    There's nothing wrong with putting women on a pedestal, but fastening them there with nails, adhesives, and bulky straps tends to ruin the look.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Legends have it that the statue of Lincoln on the National Mall will stand up for an honest man, but they give no clue as to why it would show up in your driveway and take a nine-iron to your car.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will never again be able to act just as you will in a fried-chicken restaurant without being held accountable.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You thought the old gag with the banana peel was dead forever, and if it weren't for you and a Dumpster full of shattered fluorescent-light tubes, it would be.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    No, baboons do not understand human speech. You just happened to run across an angry one who could read your snotty body language.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    If you're reading this on the weekend, the stars wish for your speedy recovery. If you're reading it before the weekend, call a plumber and a rat-catcher right now.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You've long sought the solitary life of the lighthouse keeper, but it turns out that most of those things are built at the entrances to subdivisions these days.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You believe great things are right around the corner, but they might be more accurately described as great big things hurtling out of control.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You obviously weren't concealing anything, so your new theory is that airport security has it in for naked people.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Like all people, you are powerless to change your fate, but not your nature. Try to become a kinder, more loving person by the time that safe lands on you.

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