Aries | March 21 to April 19
You fail to see why people are trying to stop you from crying because you have no shoes. Dammit, you're in a lot of foot pain.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
There are some unreasonable types out there who object to your wanting everyone to be a nice, normal skin color.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
There's nothing wrong with putting women on a pedestal, but fastening them there with nails, adhesives, and bulky straps tends to ruin the look.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Legends have it that the statue of Lincoln on the National Mall will stand up for an honest man, but they give no clue as to why it would show up in your driveway and take a nine-iron to your car.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You will never again be able to act just as you will in a fried-chicken restaurant without being held accountable.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You thought the old gag with the banana peel was dead forever, and if it weren't for you and a Dumpster full of shattered fluorescent-light tubes, it would be.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
No, baboons do not understand human speech. You just happened to run across an angry one who could read your snotty body language.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
If you're reading this on the weekend, the stars wish for your speedy recovery. If you're reading it before the weekend, call a plumber and a rat-catcher right now.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You've long sought the solitary life of the lighthouse keeper, but it turns out that most of those things are built at the entrances to subdivisions these days.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You believe great things are right around the corner, but they might be more accurately described as great big things hurtling out of control.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You obviously weren't concealing anything, so your new theory is that airport security has it in for naked people.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Like all people, you are powerless to change your fate, but not your nature. Try to become a kinder, more loving person by the time that safe lands on you.
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