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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Horoscope for the week of December 1, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You fail to see why people are trying to stop you from crying because you have no shoes. Dammit, you're in a lot of foot pain.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    There are some unreasonable types out there who object to your wanting everyone to be a nice, normal skin color.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    There's nothing wrong with putting women on a pedestal, but fastening them there with nails, adhesives, and bulky straps tends to ruin the look.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Legends have it that the statue of Lincoln on the National Mall will stand up for an honest man, but they give no clue as to why it would show up in your driveway and take a nine-iron to your car.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will never again be able to act just as you will in a fried-chicken restaurant without being held accountable.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You thought the old gag with the banana peel was dead forever, and if it weren't for you and a Dumpster full of shattered fluorescent-light tubes, it would be.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    No, baboons do not understand human speech. You just happened to run across an angry one who could read your snotty body language.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    If you're reading this on the weekend, the stars wish for your speedy recovery. If you're reading it before the weekend, call a plumber and a rat-catcher right now.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You've long sought the solitary life of the lighthouse keeper, but it turns out that most of those things are built at the entrances to subdivisions these days.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You believe great things are right around the corner, but they might be more accurately described as great big things hurtling out of control.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You obviously weren't concealing anything, so your new theory is that airport security has it in for naked people.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Like all people, you are powerless to change your fate, but not your nature. Try to become a kinder, more loving person by the time that safe lands on you.

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