Horoscope for the week of December 1, 2004

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Vol 40 Issue 48

Man Gets All The Way To Hospital Just To Find Out Wife Will Be Fine

BRIDGEPORT, CT—Responding to a distressing message left on his voicemail, Martin Hermenson drove all the way across town to Bridgeport Hospital Saturday, only to learn that his wife Kara will be fine. "All I heard was 'Kara fell off a ladder,' so I left work and rushed right to the emergency room," Hermenson said. "I got there, and it turned out she'd fractured her fibula—no big deal at all. It wasn't like she was never going to walk again." Hermenson added that he didn't see why he had to waste perfectly good Knicks tickets that night, when Kara went straight to bed after getting home anyway.

Party Host Proudly Informs Guests They're Eating Shark

MANKATO, MN—At a dinner party Monday, host Jeanette Rojahn, 44, announced with great pride that the main course she was serving was shark. "Can you guess what you're eating? It's shark!" Rojahn said to her seven dinner guests, who collectively muttered forced exclamations of surprise. "I know, can you believe it? It's actual shark! I saw it at the Market Basket, and I thought, 'What the heck! Let's try shark!'" Rojahn's guests last feigned excitement in August, when the hostess served cactus.

Beware The Kristina Applegate Curse!

Item! I've been researching one of my favorite actresses. You may know her as Kelly Bundy, but her real name is Kristina Applegate. She's always been a shining example of an acting triple threat: brains, beauty, and a great sense of humor. That's why I could hardly believe my discovery, but I checked and double-checked the evidence, and there was no denying the unsettling box-office phenomenon I christened The Kristina Applegate Curse. We little guys all think of Kristina as celebrity dynamite, but she's actually, at best, a firecracker. How do I know it? Let me set the scene. After seeing the underrated Surviving Christmas, I went on the Internet line, just to make sure I hadn't overlooked any of Kristina's work. What a surprise I was in for! It turns out I hadn't even scratched the surface. Her résumé read like a Top 10 list of flops. Surviving Christmas was a lump of coal, business-wise. Employee Of The Month? Never heard of it. View From The Top? Crashed on landing. All these movies had star power out the wazoo, so there was no reason they should've tanked. I double-checked the Harvey research, and sure enough, these movies all had one common element: Kristina.

Kids Using Drugs To Study

Studies show that more and more college students are abusing prescription ADHD drugs like Adderall and Ritalin to help them study. What do you think?

Trump Casinos Bankrupt

Last week, Donald Trump's casino empire filed for bankruptcy. What caused the company's crushing dept?

$25,000 Is Its Own Reward

I don't consider myself special. True, I helped bring a dangerous criminal to justice, but the attention I received doesn't matter to me. Call me a hero if you want, but I didn't do it for the praise. As far as I'm concerned, $25,000 is its own reward.

In Search Of A Better Life, Teen Moves Downstairs

DEERFIELD, IL—Like generations of teenagers before him, 16-year-old Eric Jankowski has pulled up stakes to seek a future in a distant land of opportunity and independence. Bravely facing the difficulties of a harsh new world, he placed his meager possessions on his back and made a journey of 70 feet in search of a better life downstairs.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Horoscope for the week of December 1, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries

    You fail to see why people are trying to stop you from crying because you have no shoes. Dammit, you're in a lot of foot pain.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    There are some unreasonable types out there who object to your wanting everyone to be a nice, normal skin color.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    There's nothing wrong with putting women on a pedestal, but fastening them there with nails, adhesives, and bulky straps tends to ruin the look.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Legends have it that the statue of Lincoln on the National Mall will stand up for an honest man, but they give no clue as to why it would show up in your driveway and take a nine-iron to your car.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You will never again be able to act just as you will in a fried-chicken restaurant without being held accountable.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You thought the old gag with the banana peel was dead forever, and if it weren't for you and a Dumpster full of shattered fluorescent-light tubes, it would be.
  • Libra

    Libra

    No, baboons do not understand human speech. You just happened to run across an angry one who could read your snotty body language.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    If you're reading this on the weekend, the stars wish for your speedy recovery. If you're reading it before the weekend, call a plumber and a rat-catcher right now.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You've long sought the solitary life of the lighthouse keeper, but it turns out that most of those things are built at the entrances to subdivisions these days.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You believe great things are right around the corner, but they might be more accurately described as great big things hurtling out of control.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You obviously weren't concealing anything, so your new theory is that airport security has it in for naked people.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Like all people, you are powerless to change your fate, but not your nature. Try to become a kinder, more loving person by the time that safe lands on you.
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