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Horoscope for the week of December 1, 2004

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What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.
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Horoscope for the week of December 1, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You fail to see why people are trying to stop you from crying because you have no shoes. Dammit, you're in a lot of foot pain.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    There are some unreasonable types out there who object to your wanting everyone to be a nice, normal skin color.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    There's nothing wrong with putting women on a pedestal, but fastening them there with nails, adhesives, and bulky straps tends to ruin the look.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Legends have it that the statue of Lincoln on the National Mall will stand up for an honest man, but they give no clue as to why it would show up in your driveway and take a nine-iron to your car.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will never again be able to act just as you will in a fried-chicken restaurant without being held accountable.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You thought the old gag with the banana peel was dead forever, and if it weren't for you and a Dumpster full of shattered fluorescent-light tubes, it would be.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    No, baboons do not understand human speech. You just happened to run across an angry one who could read your snotty body language.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    If you're reading this on the weekend, the stars wish for your speedy recovery. If you're reading it before the weekend, call a plumber and a rat-catcher right now.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You've long sought the solitary life of the lighthouse keeper, but it turns out that most of those things are built at the entrances to subdivisions these days.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You believe great things are right around the corner, but they might be more accurately described as great big things hurtling out of control.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You obviously weren't concealing anything, so your new theory is that airport security has it in for naked people.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Like all people, you are powerless to change your fate, but not your nature. Try to become a kinder, more loving person by the time that safe lands on you.

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