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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Horoscope for the week of December 10, 1996

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Confusion is in store for Aries this week when you wake from a deep sleep to find ex-heavyweight champ Sonny Liston tenderly massaging your feet.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    An uncontrollable attack of explosive flatulence at a Hollywood party results in your landing on the cover of Premiere magazine, touted as the next Jim Carrey.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your dream of athletic stardom comes true when you are promoted to head sweat-wiper for the Denver Nuggets.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Take comfort that your funeral next Friday will set attendance records at Radio City Music Hall, as all of New York celebrates.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A financial windfall comes your way this week when all your relatives perish in a whorehouse fire, leaving you as sole heir.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    A bizarre set of circumstances involving the winter solstice, some LSD and a Boston fern conspire to make you the world's first herbisexual.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    A drunken Father Time will appear at your doorstep this week, ask you how much time you think you have left, and laugh uproariously at your guess.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Ridicule is your lot when Charles Nelson Reilly is picked to play you in your musical autobiography.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Due to conditions beyond fate's control, Sagittarius will be required to repeat February 1992.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your tough-as-nails image suffers irreparable damage when Harry Dean Stanton makes good on his promise to impregnate your mother.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Uncertainty looms over Aquarius this week. Stock up on gum, kerosene and matches.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your career as the Farmer Crock spokesmodel is derailed when you cannot resist eating the muesli bikini.

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