Horoscope for the week of December 10, 1996

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‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Comfort

  • The Onion’s Guide To Beach Etiquette

    The arrival of summer means that the nation’s beaches will soon be crowded with swimmers, tanners, surfers, and more, so it’s important for everyone to be conscious of each other’s space and needs. Here are some etiquette tips to ensure that everyone has a safe and relaxing time at the beach:

Preparedness

  • Doctors Recommend Getting 8 Centuries Of Cryosleep

    STANFORD, CA—Claiming that the practice is essential for effectively recharging the body and waking fully rested and alert, doctors at Stanford University issued a report Monday emphasizing the importance of getting at least eight centuries of atomi...

Horoscope for the week of December 10, 1996

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Confusion is in store for Aries this week when you wake from a deep sleep to find ex-heavyweight champ Sonny Liston tenderly massaging your feet.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    An uncontrollable attack of explosive flatulence at a Hollywood party results in your landing on the cover of Premiere magazine, touted as the next Jim Carrey.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your dream of athletic stardom comes true when you are promoted to head sweat-wiper for the Denver Nuggets.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Take comfort that your funeral next Friday will set attendance records at Radio City Music Hall, as all of New York celebrates.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A financial windfall comes your way this week when all your relatives perish in a whorehouse fire, leaving you as sole heir.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    A bizarre set of circumstances involving the winter solstice, some LSD and a Boston fern conspire to make you the world's first herbisexual.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    A drunken Father Time will appear at your doorstep this week, ask you how much time you think you have left, and laugh uproariously at your guess.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Ridicule is your lot when Charles Nelson Reilly is picked to play you in your musical autobiography.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Due to conditions beyond fate's control, Sagittarius will be required to repeat February 1992.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your tough-as-nails image suffers irreparable damage when Harry Dean Stanton makes good on his promise to impregnate your mother.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Uncertainty looms over Aquarius this week. Stock up on gum, kerosene and matches.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your career as the Farmer Crock spokesmodel is derailed when you cannot resist eating the muesli bikini.
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