Aries | March 21 to April 19
Confusion is in store for Aries this week when you wake from a deep sleep to find ex-heavyweight champ Sonny Liston tenderly massaging your feet.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
An uncontrollable attack of explosive flatulence at a Hollywood party results in your landing on the cover of Premiere magazine, touted as the next Jim Carrey.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Your dream of athletic stardom comes true when you are promoted to head sweat-wiper for the Denver Nuggets.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Take comfort that your funeral next Friday will set attendance records at Radio City Music Hall, as all of New York celebrates.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
A financial windfall comes your way this week when all your relatives perish in a whorehouse fire, leaving you as sole heir.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
A bizarre set of circumstances involving the winter solstice, some LSD and a Boston fern conspire to make you the world's first herbisexual.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
A drunken Father Time will appear at your doorstep this week, ask you how much time you think you have left, and laugh uproariously at your guess.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Ridicule is your lot when Charles Nelson Reilly is picked to play you in your musical autobiography.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Due to conditions beyond fate's control, Sagittarius will be required to repeat February 1992.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Your tough-as-nails image suffers irreparable damage when Harry Dean Stanton makes good on his promise to impregnate your mother.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Uncertainty looms over Aquarius this week. Stock up on gum, kerosene and matches.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Your career as the Farmer Crock spokesmodel is derailed when you cannot resist eating the muesli bikini.
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