Horoscope for the week of December 10, 2003

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‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
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Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.

Horoscope for the week of December 10, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    There are times when it's just not possible to make people feel better about themselves. If you really want to see results, try to make them feel worse.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Moist, healthy skin and attention from meteorologists are the perks of having a miniature storm cloud hover over your head all week.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You had no idea the consequences of forgetting Lou Rawls' birthday would be so severe.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Watt was inspired to invent the steam engine by a kettle boiling over. What you'll invent after seeing a fat epileptic eat tacos may end life on Earth.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Don't worry: They're not fatal, and you can just tell future lovers that they're oddly placed dreadlocks.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It might be a holiday tradition, but keep in mind that any letter you write will violate the terms of the restraining order Santa filed against you.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Scientists agree that you are a unique and fascinating specimen, but there are no practical applications for you as yet.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    If the football is deflected by a defensive player, the usual rules for pass interference do not apply—a fact which will somehow ruin your marriage.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll compete with the Devil for your immortal soul in a midnight game of Scrabble, and win handily when he can only think of creepy, depressing Latin words.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Tourists will travel from far and wide to see the famous "torture cubicle" in which you slaved away for years, wishing for a quick and merciful death.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You had no idea the love life of the orangutan was so complex, so nuanced, and so often taking place in your hall closet.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Make the world a better place this week. To do the job right, just make sure the pistol is aimed at the roof of your mouth.
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