Horoscope for the week of December 10, 2003

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Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.
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Horoscope for the week of December 10, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    There are times when it's just not possible to make people feel better about themselves. If you really want to see results, try to make them feel worse.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Moist, healthy skin and attention from meteorologists are the perks of having a miniature storm cloud hover over your head all week.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You had no idea the consequences of forgetting Lou Rawls' birthday would be so severe.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Watt was inspired to invent the steam engine by a kettle boiling over. What you'll invent after seeing a fat epileptic eat tacos may end life on Earth.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Don't worry: They're not fatal, and you can just tell future lovers that they're oddly placed dreadlocks.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It might be a holiday tradition, but keep in mind that any letter you write will violate the terms of the restraining order Santa filed against you.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Scientists agree that you are a unique and fascinating specimen, but there are no practical applications for you as yet.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    If the football is deflected by a defensive player, the usual rules for pass interference do not apply—a fact which will somehow ruin your marriage.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll compete with the Devil for your immortal soul in a midnight game of Scrabble, and win handily when he can only think of creepy, depressing Latin words.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Tourists will travel from far and wide to see the famous "torture cubicle" in which you slaved away for years, wishing for a quick and merciful death.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You had no idea the love life of the orangutan was so complex, so nuanced, and so often taking place in your hall closet.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Make the world a better place this week. To do the job right, just make sure the pistol is aimed at the roof of your mouth.


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