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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.
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Horoscope for the week of December 10, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    There are times when it's just not possible to make people feel better about themselves. If you really want to see results, try to make them feel worse.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Moist, healthy skin and attention from meteorologists are the perks of having a miniature storm cloud hover over your head all week.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You had no idea the consequences of forgetting Lou Rawls' birthday would be so severe.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Watt was inspired to invent the steam engine by a kettle boiling over. What you'll invent after seeing a fat epileptic eat tacos may end life on Earth.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Don't worry: They're not fatal, and you can just tell future lovers that they're oddly placed dreadlocks.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It might be a holiday tradition, but keep in mind that any letter you write will violate the terms of the restraining order Santa filed against you.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Scientists agree that you are a unique and fascinating specimen, but there are no practical applications for you as yet.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    If the football is deflected by a defensive player, the usual rules for pass interference do not apply—a fact which will somehow ruin your marriage.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll compete with the Devil for your immortal soul in a midnight game of Scrabble, and win handily when he can only think of creepy, depressing Latin words.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Tourists will travel from far and wide to see the famous "torture cubicle" in which you slaved away for years, wishing for a quick and merciful death.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You had no idea the love life of the orangutan was so complex, so nuanced, and so often taking place in your hall closet.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Make the world a better place this week. To do the job right, just make sure the pistol is aimed at the roof of your mouth.

More from this section

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

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