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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Horoscope for the week of December 10, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    There are times when it's just not possible to make people feel better about themselves. If you really want to see results, try to make them feel worse.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Moist, healthy skin and attention from meteorologists are the perks of having a miniature storm cloud hover over your head all week.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You had no idea the consequences of forgetting Lou Rawls' birthday would be so severe.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Watt was inspired to invent the steam engine by a kettle boiling over. What you'll invent after seeing a fat epileptic eat tacos may end life on Earth.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Don't worry: They're not fatal, and you can just tell future lovers that they're oddly placed dreadlocks.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It might be a holiday tradition, but keep in mind that any letter you write will violate the terms of the restraining order Santa filed against you.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Scientists agree that you are a unique and fascinating specimen, but there are no practical applications for you as yet.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    If the football is deflected by a defensive player, the usual rules for pass interference do not apply—a fact which will somehow ruin your marriage.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll compete with the Devil for your immortal soul in a midnight game of Scrabble, and win handily when he can only think of creepy, depressing Latin words.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Tourists will travel from far and wide to see the famous "torture cubicle" in which you slaved away for years, wishing for a quick and merciful death.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You had no idea the love life of the orangutan was so complex, so nuanced, and so often taking place in your hall closet.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Make the world a better place this week. To do the job right, just make sure the pistol is aimed at the roof of your mouth.

More from this section

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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