Horoscope for the week of December 10, 2003

Top Headlines

Recent News

Horrifying Police Body Camera Footage Clearly Shows Current State Of America

CINCINNATI—Following a traffic stop earlier this month by a University of Cincinnati police officer that ended in the shooting death of an unarmed black motorist, authorities confirmed Thursday that the disturbing video recorded by the officer’s body camera clearly and graphically shows the current state of America.

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Fatherhood

  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Horoscope for the week of December 10, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    There are times when it's just not possible to make people feel better about themselves. If you really want to see results, try to make them feel worse.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Moist, healthy skin and attention from meteorologists are the perks of having a miniature storm cloud hover over your head all week.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You had no idea the consequences of forgetting Lou Rawls' birthday would be so severe.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Watt was inspired to invent the steam engine by a kettle boiling over. What you'll invent after seeing a fat epileptic eat tacos may end life on Earth.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Don't worry: They're not fatal, and you can just tell future lovers that they're oddly placed dreadlocks.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It might be a holiday tradition, but keep in mind that any letter you write will violate the terms of the restraining order Santa filed against you.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Scientists agree that you are a unique and fascinating specimen, but there are no practical applications for you as yet.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    If the football is deflected by a defensive player, the usual rules for pass interference do not apply—a fact which will somehow ruin your marriage.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll compete with the Devil for your immortal soul in a midnight game of Scrabble, and win handily when he can only think of creepy, depressing Latin words.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Tourists will travel from far and wide to see the famous "torture cubicle" in which you slaved away for years, wishing for a quick and merciful death.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You had no idea the love life of the orangutan was so complex, so nuanced, and so often taking place in your hall closet.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Make the world a better place this week. To do the job right, just make sure the pistol is aimed at the roof of your mouth.