Aries | March 21 to April 19
There are times when it's just not possible to make people feel better about themselves. If you really want to see results, try to make them feel worse.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Moist, healthy skin and attention from meteorologists are the perks of having a miniature storm cloud hover over your head all week.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You had no idea the consequences of forgetting Lou Rawls' birthday would be so severe.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Watt was inspired to invent the steam engine by a kettle boiling over. What you'll invent after seeing a fat epileptic eat tacos may end life on Earth.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Don't worry: They're not fatal, and you can just tell future lovers that they're oddly placed dreadlocks.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
It might be a holiday tradition, but keep in mind that any letter you write will violate the terms of the restraining order Santa filed against you.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Scientists agree that you are a unique and fascinating specimen, but there are no practical applications for you as yet.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
If the football is deflected by a defensive player, the usual rules for pass interference do not apply—a fact which will somehow ruin your marriage.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You'll compete with the Devil for your immortal soul in a midnight game of Scrabble, and win handily when he can only think of creepy, depressing Latin words.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Tourists will travel from far and wide to see the famous "torture cubicle" in which you slaved away for years, wishing for a quick and merciful death.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You had no idea the love life of the orangutan was so complex, so nuanced, and so often taking place in your hall closet.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Make the world a better place this week. To do the job right, just make sure the pistol is aimed at the roof of your mouth.
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