Horoscope for the week of December 11, 2002

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Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Protection

  • Guards Gun Down Four Angels Escaping From Heaven

    THE HEAVENS—Killing four and critically wounding several others, armed guards dispatched from the Right Hand of God reportedly opened fire early Monday morning on a group of angels attempting to escape from heaven. One of the Eternal Kingdom’s...

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Horoscope for the week of December 11, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    This holiday season is, as always, a time of terrible stress for you and the rest of the well-formed, eight-foot-tall pine trees.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You would be a lot more comfortable with your home life if you knew why seven-time Winston Cup champion Richard Petty was always hanging around the place.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll have the kind of week that makes you wish your parents had followed through on their military-school threats, but for different, sexier reasons.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll have a thrilling adventure whose recounting will be greatly enjoyed by those willing to sit through your seizures to get to the sign language.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You're beginning to wonder exactly who is in charge of quality control for all those treasure maps.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will get a good deal on a major appliance purchase, but that's about it.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    An otherwise enjoyable week is shot to hell when you have several phone conversations with people from L.A.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be the toast of forensic investigators from coast to coast for your ability to really spread the ol' fluids around the murder scene.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You were a cop, and a damn good one at that, but you committed the ultimate sin and testified against one of your own. Now, you must pay the price and be doomed to late-night cable syndication.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It's impossible for you to get more tail than a dogcatcher–partially because of your poor hygiene, but mainly because you're a dogcatcher.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You've never been one to take offense at accusations of arrogance, especially since they're all bullshit anyway.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will abandon your search for the wisdom of the East when it turns out to be devoid of cool kung-fu moves.