Horoscope for the week of December 11, 2002

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Vol 38 Issue 46

Area Man Lives To Correct Pronunciation

LAWRENCE, KS—According to irritated friends and acquaintances, Jim Marder, 43, lives to correct pronunciation. "Actually, the word is 'Ant-arc-tic," Marder told coworker Amy Dennon during a conversation about polar-ice-cap melting Monday. "Don't feel bad: Pronouncing it 'Antartic' is a fairly common mistake." Said Dennon: "He's always doing that: 'Actually, the word is 'affida-vit.' 'Actually, the word is 'pre-rogative.' 'Actually, the word is 'sher-bet.' Every time, he plays it all casual, but you can tell he's loving it. Dick."

Country Music Protested In Restaurant's Kitchen

KALAMAZOO. MI—A coalition of dishwashers at the Pfaff Avenue Country Kitchen filed an official protest Tuesday against the grill crew's playing of 93.7 Hot Country on the kitchen radio. "Duuude," dishwasher spokesman Dave Stamm said, "enough country, already." The group is calling for the radio to be switched to WKLQ 94.5, Home of the Real Rock, for the love of Christ.

Defiant Customers Refuse To Return Recalled Crib

RESTON, VA—More than 4,000 purchasers of the Babco KidSleeper crib, recalled last week amid safety concerns, are defiantly refusing to return the crib for a replacement or refund. "No way in hell am I assembling another crib," said parent Carl Bleier, 33, of Reston, VA. "If they want the thing back, too bad—it's their own damn fault for not making it right the first time." Bleier said he hopes his 14-month-old daughter Alexa gets her head stuck between the bars so he can sue their asses.

Conjoined Twin Hogging Kidney

SPRINGFIELD, MO—Bruce Andrusko, 27, complained loudly Monday about his conjoined twin Bryce's habit of hogging the brothers' middle kidney. "He drinks tons of beer, and that only leaves me the one kidney for everything I drink," said Bruce, who has been fused with Bryce at the torso since birth. "I'm sick of it." Bryce responded that Bruce "never seems to complain" when the beer is introduced to their shared bloodstream.

Zagat Editor A 'Nice Guy' But 'Kind Of Boring'

NEW YORK—Chris Dantley, editor of the Zagat restaurant guide for New York, received mixed reviews Monday from women who have dated him. "'Well-heeled' 'outgoing' man offers pleasant-enough company but 'loves to talk about self' and 'blows half his jokes,'" reviewers said of the 35-year-old Dantley, located on East 81st Street near Third Avenue. "'Free smiles' and 'snappy dress' don't go far enough to offset 'strained compliments' and 'inappropriate come-hither looks.'" Dantley's midsection was also panned as "overly doughy."

Nation Afraid To Admit 9-Year-Old Disabled Poet Really Bad

LYNDONVILLE, VT—Afflicted from birth with a rare degenerative disease, wheelchair-bound Luke Petrowski has confronted his illness by penning heartfelt verse that touches on elements vital to our lives: love, spirituality, courage, grace, and hope.
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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

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Horoscope for the week of December 11, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries

    This holiday season is, as always, a time of terrible stress for you and the rest of the well-formed, eight-foot-tall pine trees.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You would be a lot more comfortable with your home life if you knew why seven-time Winston Cup champion Richard Petty was always hanging around the place.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You'll have the kind of week that makes you wish your parents had followed through on their military-school threats, but for different, sexier reasons.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You'll have a thrilling adventure whose recounting will be greatly enjoyed by those willing to sit through your seizures to get to the sign language.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You're beginning to wonder exactly who is in charge of quality control for all those treasure maps.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You will get a good deal on a major appliance purchase, but that's about it.
  • Libra

    Libra

    An otherwise enjoyable week is shot to hell when you have several phone conversations with people from L.A.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You will be the toast of forensic investigators from coast to coast for your ability to really spread the ol' fluids around the murder scene.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You were a cop, and a damn good one at that, but you committed the ultimate sin and testified against one of your own. Now, you must pay the price and be doomed to late-night cable syndication.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    It's impossible for you to get more tail than a dogcatcher–partially because of your poor hygiene, but mainly because you're a dogcatcher.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You've never been one to take offense at accusations of arrogance, especially since they're all bullshit anyway.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You will abandon your search for the wisdom of the East when it turns out to be devoid of cool kung-fu moves.
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