Horoscope for the week of December 11, 2002

Top Headlines

Recent News

How To Talk To Your Child About Death

When your family has experienced a loss, it can be a difficult concept for young children to process. The Onion breaks down the best ways to converse with your child about the realities of death

Jayson Werth Catches Foul Ball Without Spilling Beer

WASHINGTON—In an incredible play that drew cheers from the whole stadium, Washington Nationals left fielder Jayson Werth managed to catch a foul ball Tuesday night without spilling the beer he was holding in his other hand.

NASA Deploys Congressional Rover To Search For Funding

WASHINGTON—Calling the program “the most crucial in the agency’s history,” researchers at NASA announced Wednesday they have successfully deployed a Special Exploratory Rover to Congress as part of an open-ended mission to seek out any possible trace of funding on Capitol Hill.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Business

Fantasy Sports

Horoscope for the week of December 11, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    This holiday season is, as always, a time of terrible stress for you and the rest of the well-formed, eight-foot-tall pine trees.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You would be a lot more comfortable with your home life if you knew why seven-time Winston Cup champion Richard Petty was always hanging around the place.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll have the kind of week that makes you wish your parents had followed through on their military-school threats, but for different, sexier reasons.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll have a thrilling adventure whose recounting will be greatly enjoyed by those willing to sit through your seizures to get to the sign language.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You're beginning to wonder exactly who is in charge of quality control for all those treasure maps.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will get a good deal on a major appliance purchase, but that's about it.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    An otherwise enjoyable week is shot to hell when you have several phone conversations with people from L.A.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be the toast of forensic investigators from coast to coast for your ability to really spread the ol' fluids around the murder scene.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You were a cop, and a damn good one at that, but you committed the ultimate sin and testified against one of your own. Now, you must pay the price and be doomed to late-night cable syndication.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It's impossible for you to get more tail than a dogcatcher–partially because of your poor hygiene, but mainly because you're a dogcatcher.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You've never been one to take offense at accusations of arrogance, especially since they're all bullshit anyway.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will abandon your search for the wisdom of the East when it turns out to be devoid of cool kung-fu moves.