Horoscope for the week of December 11, 2002

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Recent News

Childish 12-Year-Old Still Believes In Father

HARTFORD, CT—Saying she just assumed he would have figured it out by now, local mother Kathleen Rivers expressed concern to reporters Tuesday that her 12-year-old son, Dylan, still believes in his father.

Obama Returns From Trade Summit With 5 Stout Ships Full Of Cardamom, Silk, And Indigo

WASHINGTON— Exhausted, berimed with salt, and haggard from his long sea journey, but nevertheless triumphant as he guided his fleet to port following the completion of the Trans-Pacific Partnership, President Barack Obama is said to have made harbor in Washington, D.C.’s anchorage Monday, his five sturdy galleons choked to the very gunwales with the finest silks, casks of redolent cardamom, and great cakes of vivid dye-of-indigo retrieved from the far Orient.

Uber Vs. Taxis

The rise of on-demand car service Uber has been the subject of much scrutiny for its effects on existing local taxi services, with cities unsure how to regulate it and consumers debating which one to use. Here is a side-by-side comparison of these two modes of transportation
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage


  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

House and Home

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Horoscope for the week of December 11, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    This holiday season is, as always, a time of terrible stress for you and the rest of the well-formed, eight-foot-tall pine trees.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You would be a lot more comfortable with your home life if you knew why seven-time Winston Cup champion Richard Petty was always hanging around the place.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll have the kind of week that makes you wish your parents had followed through on their military-school threats, but for different, sexier reasons.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll have a thrilling adventure whose recounting will be greatly enjoyed by those willing to sit through your seizures to get to the sign language.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You're beginning to wonder exactly who is in charge of quality control for all those treasure maps.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will get a good deal on a major appliance purchase, but that's about it.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    An otherwise enjoyable week is shot to hell when you have several phone conversations with people from L.A.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be the toast of forensic investigators from coast to coast for your ability to really spread the ol' fluids around the murder scene.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You were a cop, and a damn good one at that, but you committed the ultimate sin and testified against one of your own. Now, you must pay the price and be doomed to late-night cable syndication.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It's impossible for you to get more tail than a dogcatcher–partially because of your poor hygiene, but mainly because you're a dogcatcher.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You've never been one to take offense at accusations of arrogance, especially since they're all bullshit anyway.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will abandon your search for the wisdom of the East when it turns out to be devoid of cool kung-fu moves.