Aries | March 21 to April 19
Give a starving man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Teach him how to cook a fish, though, and he'll starve to death with a clearer picture of what he's missing.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Your heart may have been in the right place, but it really isn't appropriate to craft a menorah out of Oscar Mayer hot dogs.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Despite what you believe, your tendency to confuse Keats and Wordsworth is far from your greatest flaw.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
The classics tell us that the only result of hubris is humiliation, but it's not your fault you are the proud mountain goat.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
An adventurous ménage á trois turns out to be somewhat of a letdown when you are not invited to participate.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
One day, long after your death, your analysis of Samuel Butler's epic Hudibras will eclipse that of the great Rev. Treadway Russell Nash, for all the good that does you.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You will be both flattered and worried when you gain renown as the World's Greatest Lover of Fatty Snacks.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Your worldview will be shaken to the core when Car And Driver asks the disturbing question, "Is The Corvette Still King?"
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Your life has been a litany of failure, dashed expectations, and unfulfilled dreams, but at least it's almost over.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
The "shooting stars" in your sign may be space debris burning up in Earth's atmosphere, but they nevertheless presage famine, disease, and death.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Your marriage will finally fall apart this week when your spouse, in a fit of rage, takes the cheerleading squad's word over yours.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
No one at the hospital will be able to convince you that, defending its territory or not, the alpaca didn't have the whole thing planned in advance.
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