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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Horoscope for the week of December 12, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Give a starving man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Teach him how to cook a fish, though, and he'll starve to death with a clearer picture of what he's missing.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your heart may have been in the right place, but it really isn't appropriate to craft a menorah out of Oscar Mayer hot dogs.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Despite what you believe, your tendency to confuse Keats and Wordsworth is far from your greatest flaw.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The classics tell us that the only result of hubris is humiliation, but it's not your fault you are the proud mountain goat.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    An adventurous ménage á trois turns out to be somewhat of a letdown when you are not invited to participate.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    One day, long after your death, your analysis of Samuel Butler's epic Hudibras will eclipse that of the great Rev. Treadway Russell Nash, for all the good that does you.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will be both flattered and worried when you gain renown as the World's Greatest Lover of Fatty Snacks.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your worldview will be shaken to the core when Car And Driver asks the disturbing question, "Is The Corvette Still King?"
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your life has been a litany of failure, dashed expectations, and unfulfilled dreams, but at least it's almost over.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The "shooting stars" in your sign may be space debris burning up in Earth's atmosphere, but they nevertheless presage famine, disease, and death.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your marriage will finally fall apart this week when your spouse, in a fit of rage, takes the cheerleading squad's word over yours.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    No one at the hospital will be able to convince you that, defending its territory or not, the alpaca didn't have the whole thing planned in advance.

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