Horoscope for the week of December 12, 2001

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Vol 37 Issue 45

Michael Jackson Deposed As King Of Pop In Hitless Coup

LOS ANGELES— After a two-decade reign as King Of Pop, Michael Jackson was overthrown Tuesday in a hitless coup. "Following the lackluster performance of Invincible and its mildly received 'You Rock My World' single, Michael has lost the support of the populace necessary to maintain his throne," said Billboard magazine pop-political analyst Daniel Farrior. "To be honest, it's amazing he held onto his kingship after Blood On The Dance Floor." Upon learning of the coup, millions of music fans stormed the nation's music stores, carrying off armloads of CDs by artists other than Jackson.

Area Woman Insists On Helping Coworker Through Personal Crisis

EL PASO, TX— At a time when she would rather be left alone, recent divorcee Denise Jacoby, 42, is finding herself besieged by unsolicited offers of help from Birds Eye Foods coworker Donna Traschel. "If she tells me that she's there for me anytime—day or night—one more time, I'm gonna strangle her," Jacoby said. "She's already lent me three different books on coping with change and overcoming loss. What do I have to do to make her understand that I don't want an ear to bend or a shoulder to lean on?"

More Mideast Violence

Last week, Hamas suicide bombers killed 25 in Jerusalem and Haifa, and Israel retaliated with air strikes. What do you think about the latest wave of Mideast bloodshed?

The Segway

Unveiled last week, the Segway Human Transporter is being touted as the future of human transportation. What are some of the much-hyped electrical scooter’s features?

Winterized!

Hola, amigos. Everything cool? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but things have kinda gotten out of control on Anchower Lane. (That ain't actually where I live—I don't think there are any streets named Anchower Lane, at least not 'til I die.) But I'm not about to tell people where I actually live. For one thing, I don't want people stopping by my pad at all hours of the day, telling me they love my writing or stealing my beer or informing me that I'm six months late on payments. Plus, there are these guys I had a bit of an altercation with last week who'd love to take a poke at me, and I ain't about to help them out.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of December 12, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries

    Give a starving man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Teach him how to cook a fish, though, and he'll starve to death with a clearer picture of what he's missing.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Your heart may have been in the right place, but it really isn't appropriate to craft a menorah out of Oscar Mayer hot dogs.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Despite what you believe, your tendency to confuse Keats and Wordsworth is far from your greatest flaw.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    The classics tell us that the only result of hubris is humiliation, but it's not your fault you are the proud mountain goat.
  • Leo

    Leo

    An adventurous ménage á trois turns out to be somewhat of a letdown when you are not invited to participate.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    One day, long after your death, your analysis of Samuel Butler's epic Hudibras will eclipse that of the great Rev. Treadway Russell Nash, for all the good that does you.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You will be both flattered and worried when you gain renown as the World's Greatest Lover of Fatty Snacks.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Your worldview will be shaken to the core when Car And Driver asks the disturbing question, "Is The Corvette Still King?"
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Your life has been a litany of failure, dashed expectations, and unfulfilled dreams, but at least it's almost over.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    The "shooting stars" in your sign may be space debris burning up in Earth's atmosphere, but they nevertheless presage famine, disease, and death.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Your marriage will finally fall apart this week when your spouse, in a fit of rage, takes the cheerleading squad's word over yours.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    No one at the hospital will be able to convince you that, defending its territory or not, the alpaca didn't have the whole thing planned in advance.
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