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Horoscope for the week of December 12, 2001

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Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.

Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around.

What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of December 12, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Give a starving man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Teach him how to cook a fish, though, and he'll starve to death with a clearer picture of what he's missing.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your heart may have been in the right place, but it really isn't appropriate to craft a menorah out of Oscar Mayer hot dogs.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Despite what you believe, your tendency to confuse Keats and Wordsworth is far from your greatest flaw.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The classics tell us that the only result of hubris is humiliation, but it's not your fault you are the proud mountain goat.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    An adventurous ménage á trois turns out to be somewhat of a letdown when you are not invited to participate.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    One day, long after your death, your analysis of Samuel Butler's epic Hudibras will eclipse that of the great Rev. Treadway Russell Nash, for all the good that does you.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will be both flattered and worried when you gain renown as the World's Greatest Lover of Fatty Snacks.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your worldview will be shaken to the core when Car And Driver asks the disturbing question, "Is The Corvette Still King?"
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your life has been a litany of failure, dashed expectations, and unfulfilled dreams, but at least it's almost over.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The "shooting stars" in your sign may be space debris burning up in Earth's atmosphere, but they nevertheless presage famine, disease, and death.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your marriage will finally fall apart this week when your spouse, in a fit of rage, takes the cheerleading squad's word over yours.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    No one at the hospital will be able to convince you that, defending its territory or not, the alpaca didn't have the whole thing planned in advance.

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