Horoscope for the week of December 12, 2001

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Horrifying Police Body Camera Footage Clearly Shows Current State Of America

CINCINNATI—Following a traffic stop earlier this month by a University of Cincinnati police officer that ended in the shooting death of an unarmed black motorist, authorities confirmed Thursday that the disturbing video recorded by the officer’s body camera clearly and graphically shows the current state of America.

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Preparedness

  • Doctors Recommend Getting 8 Centuries Of Cryosleep

    STANFORD, CA—Claiming that the practice is essential for effectively recharging the body and waking fully rested and alert, doctors at Stanford University issued a report Monday emphasizing the importance of getting at least eight centuries of atomi...

Fantasy Sports

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Horoscope for the week of December 12, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Give a starving man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Teach him how to cook a fish, though, and he'll starve to death with a clearer picture of what he's missing.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your heart may have been in the right place, but it really isn't appropriate to craft a menorah out of Oscar Mayer hot dogs.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Despite what you believe, your tendency to confuse Keats and Wordsworth is far from your greatest flaw.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The classics tell us that the only result of hubris is humiliation, but it's not your fault you are the proud mountain goat.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    An adventurous ménage á trois turns out to be somewhat of a letdown when you are not invited to participate.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    One day, long after your death, your analysis of Samuel Butler's epic Hudibras will eclipse that of the great Rev. Treadway Russell Nash, for all the good that does you.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will be both flattered and worried when you gain renown as the World's Greatest Lover of Fatty Snacks.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your worldview will be shaken to the core when Car And Driver asks the disturbing question, "Is The Corvette Still King?"
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your life has been a litany of failure, dashed expectations, and unfulfilled dreams, but at least it's almost over.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The "shooting stars" in your sign may be space debris burning up in Earth's atmosphere, but they nevertheless presage famine, disease, and death.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your marriage will finally fall apart this week when your spouse, in a fit of rage, takes the cheerleading squad's word over yours.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    No one at the hospital will be able to convince you that, defending its territory or not, the alpaca didn't have the whole thing planned in advance.