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Horoscope for the week of December 13, 2000

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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of December 13, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will be crushed to learn that the Black Sabbath song is titled "Fairies Wear Boots," not "Aries" as you had long thought. Return all your boots.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The dog next door will speak to you with the voice of Satan, commanding you to bring it the unclean meat which masquerades as bacon but is not bacon.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Tell those smartalecks at work that if they think your job is so easy, they should try inheriting the nation's third-largest paper-goods manufacturing firm.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Federal investigators sent to the disaster site will find it hard to discount your standing there with a bloody tire iron.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will not be sure how to take it after you're described as "the Sherwood Anderson of Sailor Moon fan fiction."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It's not that you're in a no-win situation; it's just that you can't win.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Everyone will be talking about your wonderful personality and kind nature next week, which is customary at funerals.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your cat does nothing all day but wash itself and play with a sparkly ball, so it seems you'll have to solve the vicar's murder all by yourself.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    This birthday may mark the halfway point of your life, but look on the bright side: You're finally old enough to drive.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your field research disproves conventional wisdom, demonstrating that pimping is, in fact, extremely easy.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will be recognized as the voice of small-town America after getting drunk and singing George Jones songs in the street all night.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will meet a tall, dark Aquarius who is compatible with you in every way, right down to the unhealthy fixation with Mary Todd Lincoln.

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