Horoscope for the week of December 13, 2000

In This Section

Vol 36 Issue 45

Direct Marketer Offended By Term 'Junk Mail'

SPOKANE, WA– Dan Spengler, CEO of the direct-mail-marketing firm Mailbox Of Savings, took umbrage Monday at the use of the term "junk mail." "I'm sorry, but we didn't earn receipts in excess of $8 million last year by filling people's mailboxes with 'junk,'" Spengler told the offending party. "How else will potential customers know about bargains like 500 mailing labels for $8.95 or 10 percent off framing at The Great Frame-Up if not by direct mail?" Added Spengler: "It's not like my company calls people at home like telemarketers. Everyone hates that."

Area Man Glad His Brother Is Giving Mom Grandkids

ROME, GA– Area resident Larry Spoerl was thrilled to learn Monday that his brother's wife is pregnant, temporarily relieving him of the pressure to produce grandchildren for his mother. "That's the most wonderful news I've heard in ages," the 31-year-old Spoerl told brother Marc. "Now I can get through Christmas without the whole so- are- you- dating- anyone- how- serious- is- it- does- she- want- a- family interrogation." Despite his momentary elation, Spoerl said his brother's expected child "only buys me a year or two at best."

Plastic Bag Still Up In Tree

BOISE, ID– Employees at Boise Mutual Insurance reported Monday that the red plastic shopping bag they first noticed Dec. 8 is still ensnared in the upper branches of a tree outside their workplace. "Well I'll be–the darn thing is still up there," payroll secretary Barb Weicherle said. "I really thought this weekend's gusts would have blown it out." Office manager Paul Probert was equally surprised, saying, "Son of a gun. It's still there."

Naïve Detective Suspects Fair Play

CHICAGO– Phil Kelly, a naïve detective with Chicago's 15th Precinct, suspected fair play Monday in the shooting death of local businessman Arnold Haver. "The shocked expression on the victim's face leads me to believe that he received some tragic news and subsequently committed suicide," Kelly said. "The fact that the bullet hole entered through his back shows just how determined he was to kill himself." Kelly also cited the misspelling of Haver's name in the suicide note and the fact that the left-handed victim was found with the gun in his right hand as evidence of the incredible stress he was under before taking his own life.

Is Oral Sex Sex?

According to a recent USA Today cover story, oral sex is sharply on the rise among teenagers, many of whom do not consider it a form of sex. What do you think?

A Walk In The Woods

Well, I must say, this is a surprise! My darling son N. Aeschylus has gently lifted me out of my death-bed and is carrying me down-stairs and across the main foyer. This is the season of the Yule-tide, is it not? Perhaps he is taking me to the parlor so that we may open our gifts. I do hope I finally got the shawl I always ask for but never seem to get...

Unkempt Japanese Man Must Be Some Sort Of Artist Or Something

PITTSBURGH– After passing a haggard-looking Japanese man on the street Monday, area resident Gary Webber concluded that the guy must be some sort of artist or poet or something. "Normally, you see a guy dressed in a dirty, ripped coat with his hair all scruffed up, you figure he's just poor. But this guy was Japanese," Webber said. "I bet he's in town to do some kind of art opening. Or maybe a book signing. Whoever he is, he's got to be somebody."
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Comedy

Business

Horoscope for the week of December 13, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries

    You will be crushed to learn that the Black Sabbath song is titled "Fairies Wear Boots," not "Aries" as you had long thought. Return all your boots.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    The dog next door will speak to you with the voice of Satan, commanding you to bring it the unclean meat which masquerades as bacon but is not bacon.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Tell those smartalecks at work that if they think your job is so easy, they should try inheriting the nation's third-largest paper-goods manufacturing firm.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Federal investigators sent to the disaster site will find it hard to discount your standing there with a bloody tire iron.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You will not be sure how to take it after you're described as "the Sherwood Anderson of Sailor Moon fan fiction."
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    It's not that you're in a no-win situation; it's just that you can't win.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Everyone will be talking about your wonderful personality and kind nature next week, which is customary at funerals.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Your cat does nothing all day but wash itself and play with a sparkly ball, so it seems you'll have to solve the vicar's murder all by yourself.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    This birthday may mark the halfway point of your life, but look on the bright side: You're finally old enough to drive.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Your field research disproves conventional wisdom, demonstrating that pimping is, in fact, extremely easy.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You will be recognized as the voice of small-town America after getting drunk and singing George Jones songs in the street all night.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You will meet a tall, dark Aquarius who is compatible with you in every way, right down to the unhealthy fixation with Mary Todd Lincoln.
Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More