adBlockCheck

Horoscope for the week of December 13, 2000

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Fashion Trends Arise

With the growing popularity of “fast fashion,” or designs that move quickly from the runway to retail chains, many wonder how their favorite styles first arise. The Onion breaks down the process step by step

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Horoscope for the week of December 13, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will be crushed to learn that the Black Sabbath song is titled "Fairies Wear Boots," not "Aries" as you had long thought. Return all your boots.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The dog next door will speak to you with the voice of Satan, commanding you to bring it the unclean meat which masquerades as bacon but is not bacon.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Tell those smartalecks at work that if they think your job is so easy, they should try inheriting the nation's third-largest paper-goods manufacturing firm.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Federal investigators sent to the disaster site will find it hard to discount your standing there with a bloody tire iron.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will not be sure how to take it after you're described as "the Sherwood Anderson of Sailor Moon fan fiction."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It's not that you're in a no-win situation; it's just that you can't win.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Everyone will be talking about your wonderful personality and kind nature next week, which is customary at funerals.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your cat does nothing all day but wash itself and play with a sparkly ball, so it seems you'll have to solve the vicar's murder all by yourself.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    This birthday may mark the halfway point of your life, but look on the bright side: You're finally old enough to drive.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your field research disproves conventional wisdom, demonstrating that pimping is, in fact, extremely easy.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will be recognized as the voice of small-town America after getting drunk and singing George Jones songs in the street all night.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will meet a tall, dark Aquarius who is compatible with you in every way, right down to the unhealthy fixation with Mary Todd Lincoln.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close