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Horoscope for the week of December 13, 2000

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Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know
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Horoscope for the week of December 13, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will be crushed to learn that the Black Sabbath song is titled "Fairies Wear Boots," not "Aries" as you had long thought. Return all your boots.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The dog next door will speak to you with the voice of Satan, commanding you to bring it the unclean meat which masquerades as bacon but is not bacon.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Tell those smartalecks at work that if they think your job is so easy, they should try inheriting the nation's third-largest paper-goods manufacturing firm.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Federal investigators sent to the disaster site will find it hard to discount your standing there with a bloody tire iron.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will not be sure how to take it after you're described as "the Sherwood Anderson of Sailor Moon fan fiction."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It's not that you're in a no-win situation; it's just that you can't win.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Everyone will be talking about your wonderful personality and kind nature next week, which is customary at funerals.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your cat does nothing all day but wash itself and play with a sparkly ball, so it seems you'll have to solve the vicar's murder all by yourself.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    This birthday may mark the halfway point of your life, but look on the bright side: You're finally old enough to drive.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your field research disproves conventional wisdom, demonstrating that pimping is, in fact, extremely easy.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will be recognized as the voice of small-town America after getting drunk and singing George Jones songs in the street all night.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will meet a tall, dark Aquarius who is compatible with you in every way, right down to the unhealthy fixation with Mary Todd Lincoln.

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