Horoscope for the week of December 13, 2000

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‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Horoscope for the week of December 13, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will be crushed to learn that the Black Sabbath song is titled "Fairies Wear Boots," not "Aries" as you had long thought. Return all your boots.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The dog next door will speak to you with the voice of Satan, commanding you to bring it the unclean meat which masquerades as bacon but is not bacon.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Tell those smartalecks at work that if they think your job is so easy, they should try inheriting the nation's third-largest paper-goods manufacturing firm.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Federal investigators sent to the disaster site will find it hard to discount your standing there with a bloody tire iron.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will not be sure how to take it after you're described as "the Sherwood Anderson of Sailor Moon fan fiction."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It's not that you're in a no-win situation; it's just that you can't win.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Everyone will be talking about your wonderful personality and kind nature next week, which is customary at funerals.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your cat does nothing all day but wash itself and play with a sparkly ball, so it seems you'll have to solve the vicar's murder all by yourself.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    This birthday may mark the halfway point of your life, but look on the bright side: You're finally old enough to drive.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your field research disproves conventional wisdom, demonstrating that pimping is, in fact, extremely easy.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will be recognized as the voice of small-town America after getting drunk and singing George Jones songs in the street all night.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will meet a tall, dark Aquarius who is compatible with you in every way, right down to the unhealthy fixation with Mary Todd Lincoln.
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