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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Horoscope for the week of December 15, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You get the feeling God is trying to tell you something when you find little reminder notes all over your house written in all caps and signed "God."
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Try to turn your broken heart into an opportunity. Many states allow emotionally distressed people to plead murder down to manslaughter.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Sometimes expressing yourself to your boyfriend might be difficult, but he can't read your mind. Break up with him and find a psychic boyfriend.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Big changes await you. However, they all involve your very big pants.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A large financial reward looms in your future, as the FBI is offering $10,000 for your whereabouts.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your death in a fiery car crash almost makes the news, but it gets bumped at the last minute for a feature on at-home shoe care.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You remain unable to decide whether you want to become a modern primitive or a primitive modernist.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Though your heroism may go unheralded, you should enter the burning building to save those old issues of Club.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will successfully capture that old feeling from the early days of your marriage. However, the old feeling in question is all-consuming lust for Scott Baio.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Try to break your habit of turning to anonymous sources for general advice on your problems.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    This is a bad time to start a new business venture. You've got no business experience at all, for God's sake.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will experience the joy of the successful hunt when your trap captures a 100-pound chunk of fryer grease.

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