Aries | March 21 to April 19
You get the feeling God is trying to tell you something when you find little reminder notes all over your house written in all caps and signed "God."
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Try to turn your broken heart into an opportunity. Many states allow emotionally distressed people to plead murder down to manslaughter.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Sometimes expressing yourself to your boyfriend might be difficult, but he can't read your mind. Break up with him and find a psychic boyfriend.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Big changes await you. However, they all involve your very big pants.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
A large financial reward looms in your future, as the FBI is offering $10,000 for your whereabouts.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Your death in a fiery car crash almost makes the news, but it gets bumped at the last minute for a feature on at-home shoe care.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You remain unable to decide whether you want to become a modern primitive or a primitive modernist.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Though your heroism may go unheralded, you should enter the burning building to save those old issues of Club.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You will successfully capture that old feeling from the early days of your marriage. However, the old feeling in question is all-consuming lust for Scott Baio.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Try to break your habit of turning to anonymous sources for general advice on your problems.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
This is a bad time to start a new business venture. You've got no business experience at all, for God's sake.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You will experience the joy of the successful hunt when your trap captures a 100-pound chunk of fryer grease.
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