Horoscope for the week of December 15, 1999

Top Headlines

Recent News

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Satisfaction

Business

Coworkers Pull Off Daring One-Hour Lunch Break

TUCSON, AZ—Saying they couldn’t believe such a wild exploit had even been attempted, employees at local marketing firm Synergy Media Services told reporters they were still completely dumbfounded Thursday after account manager Tim Gibbons managed to pull off a daring one-hour lunch break.

Horoscope for the week of December 15, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You get the feeling God is trying to tell you something when you find little reminder notes all over your house written in all caps and signed "God."
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Try to turn your broken heart into an opportunity. Many states allow emotionally distressed people to plead murder down to manslaughter.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Sometimes expressing yourself to your boyfriend might be difficult, but he can't read your mind. Break up with him and find a psychic boyfriend.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Big changes await you. However, they all involve your very big pants.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A large financial reward looms in your future, as the FBI is offering $10,000 for your whereabouts.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your death in a fiery car crash almost makes the news, but it gets bumped at the last minute for a feature on at-home shoe care.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You remain unable to decide whether you want to become a modern primitive or a primitive modernist.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Though your heroism may go unheralded, you should enter the burning building to save those old issues of Club.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will successfully capture that old feeling from the early days of your marriage. However, the old feeling in question is all-consuming lust for Scott Baio.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Try to break your habit of turning to anonymous sources for general advice on your problems.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    This is a bad time to start a new business venture. You've got no business experience at all, for God's sake.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will experience the joy of the successful hunt when your trap captures a 100-pound chunk of fryer grease.