Horoscope for the week of December 15, 1999

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Vol 35 Issue 46

Eyes Removed In Violent Yearbook Attack

EVANSVILLE, IN—An unidentified eraser-wielding vandal rubbed out the eyes of graduating senior Paulette Conreid in Erika Franklin's personal copy of "Transitions," the 1999 Evansville West High School yearbook, EWHS sources reported Monday. "I am so totally bumming," Franklin said. "Who would do something like that to Paulette? She's, like, the biggest sweetie I know." The primary suspect in the attack is Jenny Logan, who, as everyone in school knows, has a huge crush on Jeff Lowe, Conreid's boyfriend.

Broncos, Jaguars Helmets Sustain Severe Damage In Monday Night Football Helmet Collision

JACKSONVILLE, FL—A pair of NFL helmets were severely damaged Monday in an explosive head-on collision during a broadcast of ABC's Monday Night Football. "We are still reconstructing the incident, searching for any clue as to what could have gone wrong," Monday Night Football play-by-play announcer Al Michaels said of the catastrophe, which occurred minutes before kickoff and was seen live by an estimated 17 million television viewers. "The helmets were securely chained to their respective space-platforms by four safety tethers, and there was no reason to suspect they would be able to break free." Witnesses said the chained helmets, which directly faced each other on their platforms, seemed increasingly angry and agitated in the moments leading up to the disaster.

Buchanan Reveals Thousands Of Americans Made In China

TOPEKA, KS—During a speech Monday before members of the Topeka VFW Hall, a concerned Pat Buchanan said that "hundreds of thousands" of U.S. citizens were made in Communist China. "These shoddy, Asian-looking, 'knock-off' Americans are the mass-produced product of non-union, low-wage parents," the Reform Party presidential hopeful told VFW members. "Every day, these knock-offs are exported from China to our shores, where they are free to intermingle with real, made-in-the-U.S.A. Americans." Buchanan added that if he wins the presidency, he would impose stiff tariffs against U.S.-citizen-producing nations and return all bootleg Americans to their nation of origin.

The Mars Polar Lander

On Dec. 7, NASA mysteriously lost all contact with the $165 million Mars Polar Lander. Among the leading theories as to what went wrong:

I Think I'm Such Hot Shit

Boy, what is up with me? I strut around like I'm God's gift to the world or something. I think I'm so fascinating, I'm convinced everybody's just dying to listen to me ramble on about myself for hours on end. It's getting more obvious to me every day: I think I'm such hot shit!

Man Of The Millennium: Death

[image:29982]As humanity moves into the dawn of a new and uncertain future, we look back upon our collective past. In the annals of history, many have achieved greatness, yet one individual towers above all others as the most significant single force of the last thousand years. Whether in war or peace, feast or famine, prosperity or economic ruin, the Man Of The Millennium has touched all our lives. No one has had a greater, more permanent impact on our shared human condition.

Life Begins At Conception vs. Life Begins At 40!

Life begins at the moment of conception. To say otherwise is not only to deny the word of God, but to defy science. An abortion takes the life of a living person, whether the procedure occurs in the first week of pregnancy or the last.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of December 15, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries

    You get the feeling God is trying to tell you something when you find little reminder notes all over your house written in all caps and signed "God."
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Try to turn your broken heart into an opportunity. Many states allow emotionally distressed people to plead murder down to manslaughter.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Sometimes expressing yourself to your boyfriend might be difficult, but he can't read your mind. Break up with him and find a psychic boyfriend.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Big changes await you. However, they all involve your very big pants.
  • Leo

    Leo

    A large financial reward looms in your future, as the FBI is offering $10,000 for your whereabouts.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Your death in a fiery car crash almost makes the news, but it gets bumped at the last minute for a feature on at-home shoe care.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You remain unable to decide whether you want to become a modern primitive or a primitive modernist.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Though your heroism may go unheralded, you should enter the burning building to save those old issues of Club.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You will successfully capture that old feeling from the early days of your marriage. However, the old feeling in question is all-consuming lust for Scott Baio.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Try to break your habit of turning to anonymous sources for general advice on your problems.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    This is a bad time to start a new business venture. You've got no business experience at all, for God's sake.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You will experience the joy of the successful hunt when your trap captures a 100-pound chunk of fryer grease.
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