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Horoscope for the week of December 15, 1999

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EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon

How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of December 15, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You get the feeling God is trying to tell you something when you find little reminder notes all over your house written in all caps and signed "God."
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Try to turn your broken heart into an opportunity. Many states allow emotionally distressed people to plead murder down to manslaughter.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Sometimes expressing yourself to your boyfriend might be difficult, but he can't read your mind. Break up with him and find a psychic boyfriend.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Big changes await you. However, they all involve your very big pants.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A large financial reward looms in your future, as the FBI is offering $10,000 for your whereabouts.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your death in a fiery car crash almost makes the news, but it gets bumped at the last minute for a feature on at-home shoe care.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You remain unable to decide whether you want to become a modern primitive or a primitive modernist.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Though your heroism may go unheralded, you should enter the burning building to save those old issues of Club.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will successfully capture that old feeling from the early days of your marriage. However, the old feeling in question is all-consuming lust for Scott Baio.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Try to break your habit of turning to anonymous sources for general advice on your problems.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    This is a bad time to start a new business venture. You've got no business experience at all, for God's sake.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will experience the joy of the successful hunt when your trap captures a 100-pound chunk of fryer grease.

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