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Horoscope for the week of December 15, 1999

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Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Wow, Dad Really Went From Zero To 60 With Woodworking This Summer

PAGE, AZ—Expressing their astonishment as they once again heard the sound of their father using his circular saw in the garage despite his seemingly complete lack of interest in the craft prior to last month, the children of area man Sam Morgan, 52, confirmed Tuesday that, wow, their dad had really gone from zero to 60 with woodworking this summer.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine
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Horoscope for the week of December 15, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You get the feeling God is trying to tell you something when you find little reminder notes all over your house written in all caps and signed "God."
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Try to turn your broken heart into an opportunity. Many states allow emotionally distressed people to plead murder down to manslaughter.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Sometimes expressing yourself to your boyfriend might be difficult, but he can't read your mind. Break up with him and find a psychic boyfriend.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Big changes await you. However, they all involve your very big pants.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A large financial reward looms in your future, as the FBI is offering $10,000 for your whereabouts.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your death in a fiery car crash almost makes the news, but it gets bumped at the last minute for a feature on at-home shoe care.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You remain unable to decide whether you want to become a modern primitive or a primitive modernist.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Though your heroism may go unheralded, you should enter the burning building to save those old issues of Club.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will successfully capture that old feeling from the early days of your marriage. However, the old feeling in question is all-consuming lust for Scott Baio.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Try to break your habit of turning to anonymous sources for general advice on your problems.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    This is a bad time to start a new business venture. You've got no business experience at all, for God's sake.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will experience the joy of the successful hunt when your trap captures a 100-pound chunk of fryer grease.

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