Horoscope for the week of December 15, 2004

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Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of December 15, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    There truly is more than one way to skin a cat, but the limited market for cat skins makes learning more than three methods impractical.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You are possessed with abilities far beyond those of mortal man, but if your super-heroic origin story ever got out, no one would take you seriously.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It turns out that being a slumlord is actually a whole lot of fun, at least for the time being.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Whoever said it was easier to destroy than to create never tried collecting their feces in jars for 18 months.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You thought you'd seen the worst humanity had to offer, but that was before you read fan-fiction set in an alternate universe where Hawkeye Pierce and Father Mulcahy are lovers.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    There will finally be a call for restraint among athletes, but not before Joe Horn does a taunting victory dance over the burst ribcages of your family.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    With winter upon us, it's time to reflect, take stock of our lives, and maybe wear a skirt that covers your thighs, you slut.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Somehow, you don't believe your boss when he tells you that your coworker of 12 years went off to live with a nice family on a beautiful farm.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    It's often hard to say goodbye, but that doesn't excuse your practice of throwing down a smoke bomb and escaping in the confusion.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Unfortunately, a disagreement over whether cool jazz is superior to smooth jazz will not end in bloodshed.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A mysterious portrait of you, painted by an acknowledged master, will increase in value as the years progress, while you remain worthless.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You may be new to farming, but everyone knows that haystacks should be made of hay. Using needles not only injures your cattle, it also clues the other farmers in to the fact that you are a nerd.