adBlockCheck

Recent News

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.
End Of Section
  • More News

Horoscope for the week of December 15, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    There truly is more than one way to skin a cat, but the limited market for cat skins makes learning more than three methods impractical.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You are possessed with abilities far beyond those of mortal man, but if your super-heroic origin story ever got out, no one would take you seriously.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It turns out that being a slumlord is actually a whole lot of fun, at least for the time being.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Whoever said it was easier to destroy than to create never tried collecting their feces in jars for 18 months.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You thought you'd seen the worst humanity had to offer, but that was before you read fan-fiction set in an alternate universe where Hawkeye Pierce and Father Mulcahy are lovers.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    There will finally be a call for restraint among athletes, but not before Joe Horn does a taunting victory dance over the burst ribcages of your family.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    With winter upon us, it's time to reflect, take stock of our lives, and maybe wear a skirt that covers your thighs, you slut.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Somehow, you don't believe your boss when he tells you that your coworker of 12 years went off to live with a nice family on a beautiful farm.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    It's often hard to say goodbye, but that doesn't excuse your practice of throwing down a smoke bomb and escaping in the confusion.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Unfortunately, a disagreement over whether cool jazz is superior to smooth jazz will not end in bloodshed.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A mysterious portrait of you, painted by an acknowledged master, will increase in value as the years progress, while you remain worthless.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You may be new to farming, but everyone knows that haystacks should be made of hay. Using needles not only injures your cattle, it also clues the other farmers in to the fact that you are a nerd.
More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close