adBlockCheck

Recent News

What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
End Of Section
  • More News

Horoscope for the week of December 15, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    There truly is more than one way to skin a cat, but the limited market for cat skins makes learning more than three methods impractical.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You are possessed with abilities far beyond those of mortal man, but if your super-heroic origin story ever got out, no one would take you seriously.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It turns out that being a slumlord is actually a whole lot of fun, at least for the time being.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Whoever said it was easier to destroy than to create never tried collecting their feces in jars for 18 months.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You thought you'd seen the worst humanity had to offer, but that was before you read fan-fiction set in an alternate universe where Hawkeye Pierce and Father Mulcahy are lovers.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    There will finally be a call for restraint among athletes, but not before Joe Horn does a taunting victory dance over the burst ribcages of your family.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    With winter upon us, it's time to reflect, take stock of our lives, and maybe wear a skirt that covers your thighs, you slut.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Somehow, you don't believe your boss when he tells you that your coworker of 12 years went off to live with a nice family on a beautiful farm.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    It's often hard to say goodbye, but that doesn't excuse your practice of throwing down a smoke bomb and escaping in the confusion.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Unfortunately, a disagreement over whether cool jazz is superior to smooth jazz will not end in bloodshed.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A mysterious portrait of you, painted by an acknowledged master, will increase in value as the years progress, while you remain worthless.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You may be new to farming, but everyone knows that haystacks should be made of hay. Using needles not only injures your cattle, it also clues the other farmers in to the fact that you are a nerd.
More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close