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Horoscope for the week of December 15, 2004

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How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
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Horoscope for the week of December 15, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    There truly is more than one way to skin a cat, but the limited market for cat skins makes learning more than three methods impractical.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You are possessed with abilities far beyond those of mortal man, but if your super-heroic origin story ever got out, no one would take you seriously.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It turns out that being a slumlord is actually a whole lot of fun, at least for the time being.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Whoever said it was easier to destroy than to create never tried collecting their feces in jars for 18 months.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You thought you'd seen the worst humanity had to offer, but that was before you read fan-fiction set in an alternate universe where Hawkeye Pierce and Father Mulcahy are lovers.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    There will finally be a call for restraint among athletes, but not before Joe Horn does a taunting victory dance over the burst ribcages of your family.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    With winter upon us, it's time to reflect, take stock of our lives, and maybe wear a skirt that covers your thighs, you slut.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Somehow, you don't believe your boss when he tells you that your coworker of 12 years went off to live with a nice family on a beautiful farm.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    It's often hard to say goodbye, but that doesn't excuse your practice of throwing down a smoke bomb and escaping in the confusion.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Unfortunately, a disagreement over whether cool jazz is superior to smooth jazz will not end in bloodshed.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A mysterious portrait of you, painted by an acknowledged master, will increase in value as the years progress, while you remain worthless.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You may be new to farming, but everyone knows that haystacks should be made of hay. Using needles not only injures your cattle, it also clues the other farmers in to the fact that you are a nerd.

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