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Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

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When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

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ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Horoscope for the week of December 16, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your joy in the holidays is dampened when you learn that there is no Santa, there is no Jesus, and the local weatherwoman likes to be videotaped having sex with strangers.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Though being a parent is often hard, don’t take your aggravation out on your children: Take it out twice as hard on your spouse.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your religious faith will be shattered when, after years of piety, you discover a little-known Bible passage condemning murder.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will be honored with the nation’s highest civilian award for heroism after you selflessly give your restaurant leftovers to your no-good boss.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Though suicide rates peak during the holiday season, do not give in to despair. You’ll soon be beaten to death by an enraged lumberjack during a brawl in a burning whorehouse.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will surprise your out-of-town relatives this season when you and 10,000 of your troops seize their city, loot its buildings, enslave its populace, and sow its fields with salt.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Reaffirm your commitment to weight loss this week. Eat five pounds of cottage cheese, six cans of peach halves in heavy syrup, and a liter of Diet Coke for each meal.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    No matter how much you find yourself enjoying the local winter-solstice festival, do not partake of the filthy sin of dancing.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Light from your mystic stars has traveled trillions of miles through space to predict travel in your future.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Romance will suddenly make an appearance in your life. Unfortunately, it appears in the form of Jeffrey The Morbidly Obese Kissing Bandit.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your sense of impending doom will intensify as the weather continues its mysterious cooling trend.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Much to your surprise, the new year will somehow bring you even more loneliness and despair.

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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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