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Horoscope for the week of December 16, 1997

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Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know
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Horoscope for the week of December 16, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your joy in the holidays is dampened when you learn that there is no Santa, there is no Jesus, and the local weatherwoman likes to be videotaped having sex with strangers.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Though being a parent is often hard, don’t take your aggravation out on your children: Take it out twice as hard on your spouse.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your religious faith will be shattered when, after years of piety, you discover a little-known Bible passage condemning murder.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will be honored with the nation’s highest civilian award for heroism after you selflessly give your restaurant leftovers to your no-good boss.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Though suicide rates peak during the holiday season, do not give in to despair. You’ll soon be beaten to death by an enraged lumberjack during a brawl in a burning whorehouse.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will surprise your out-of-town relatives this season when you and 10,000 of your troops seize their city, loot its buildings, enslave its populace, and sow its fields with salt.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Reaffirm your commitment to weight loss this week. Eat five pounds of cottage cheese, six cans of peach halves in heavy syrup, and a liter of Diet Coke for each meal.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    No matter how much you find yourself enjoying the local winter-solstice festival, do not partake of the filthy sin of dancing.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Light from your mystic stars has traveled trillions of miles through space to predict travel in your future.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Romance will suddenly make an appearance in your life. Unfortunately, it appears in the form of Jeffrey The Morbidly Obese Kissing Bandit.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your sense of impending doom will intensify as the weather continues its mysterious cooling trend.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Much to your surprise, the new year will somehow bring you even more loneliness and despair.

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