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Horoscope for the week of December 16, 1997

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Report: Someone Needs To Get Chips And Dip Away From Area Man

EDISON, NJ—Repeatedly emphasizing that the ruffled potato chips and accompanying French onion dip were just too good, a report released Thursday confirmed that someone needs to get them away from local partygoer Ian Ashcraft before he eats the whole thing.

Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Holidays

Horoscope for the week of December 16, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your joy in the holidays is dampened when you learn that there is no Santa, there is no Jesus, and the local weatherwoman likes to be videotaped having sex with strangers.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Though being a parent is often hard, don’t take your aggravation out on your children: Take it out twice as hard on your spouse.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your religious faith will be shattered when, after years of piety, you discover a little-known Bible passage condemning murder.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will be honored with the nation’s highest civilian award for heroism after you selflessly give your restaurant leftovers to your no-good boss.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Though suicide rates peak during the holiday season, do not give in to despair. You’ll soon be beaten to death by an enraged lumberjack during a brawl in a burning whorehouse.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will surprise your out-of-town relatives this season when you and 10,000 of your troops seize their city, loot its buildings, enslave its populace, and sow its fields with salt.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Reaffirm your commitment to weight loss this week. Eat five pounds of cottage cheese, six cans of peach halves in heavy syrup, and a liter of Diet Coke for each meal.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    No matter how much you find yourself enjoying the local winter-solstice festival, do not partake of the filthy sin of dancing.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Light from your mystic stars has traveled trillions of miles through space to predict travel in your future.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Romance will suddenly make an appearance in your life. Unfortunately, it appears in the form of Jeffrey The Morbidly Obese Kissing Bandit.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your sense of impending doom will intensify as the weather continues its mysterious cooling trend.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Much to your surprise, the new year will somehow bring you even more loneliness and despair.

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