Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your joy in the holidays is dampened when you learn that there is no Santa, there is no Jesus, and the local weatherwoman likes to be videotaped having sex with strangers.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Though being a parent is often hard, don’t take your aggravation out on your children: Take it out twice as hard on your spouse.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Your religious faith will be shattered when, after years of piety, you discover a little-known Bible passage condemning murder.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You will be honored with the nation’s highest civilian award for heroism after you selflessly give your restaurant leftovers to your no-good boss.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Though suicide rates peak during the holiday season, do not give in to despair. You’ll soon be beaten to death by an enraged lumberjack during a brawl in a burning whorehouse.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You will surprise your out-of-town relatives this season when you and 10,000 of your troops seize their city, loot its buildings, enslave its populace, and sow its fields with salt.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Reaffirm your commitment to weight loss this week. Eat five pounds of cottage cheese, six cans of peach halves in heavy syrup, and a liter of Diet Coke for each meal.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
No matter how much you find yourself enjoying the local winter-solstice festival, do not partake of the filthy sin of dancing.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Light from your mystic stars has traveled trillions of miles through space to predict travel in your future.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Romance will suddenly make an appearance in your life. Unfortunately, it appears in the form of Jeffrey The Morbidly Obese Kissing Bandit.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Your sense of impending doom will intensify as the weather continues its mysterious cooling trend.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Much to your surprise, the new year will somehow bring you even more loneliness and despair.
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