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Horoscope for the week of December 16, 1998

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Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant

The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

    DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Horoscope for the week of December 16, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Don't let the hustle and bustle of the holiday season keep you from finishing your last will and testament before 4:22 p.m. on the 28th.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    A fun outing to chop down a Christmas tree ends in tragedy when you mistake a kindergarten class on a field trip for a nice blue spruce.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will experience mortal terror when it seems as if there is no God and that no one cares whether you live or die. This hyper-aware state will last the rest of your life.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your hibernation will continue uninterrupted throughout the season.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    An angel-dust-crazed Santa will visit your house, leave presents for the plate of cookies, and hungrily devour you with a glass of milk.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will achieve a state of total uselessness this week when you forget how to make butter sandwiches.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Good news: FAA crash investigators will find the other half of your skull just in time for the holidays.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be savagely beaten by a crowd of angry Canadians when you absent-mindedly reveal your ignorance of Boxing Day.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will be overcome with emotion this week after gazing upon the simple, timeless beauty of a Sears holiday window display.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A smelly, drunken vagrant will try to hit you up for a couple bucks, but he changes his mind upon realizing that you are his firstborn child.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will return from a trip abroad to find Joe Don Baker in your living room taking back his furniture.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Try as you might, you will not be able to shake the feeling that you wasted another perfectly good year.

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