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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Horoscope for the week of December 16, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Don't let the hustle and bustle of the holiday season keep you from finishing your last will and testament before 4:22 p.m. on the 28th.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    A fun outing to chop down a Christmas tree ends in tragedy when you mistake a kindergarten class on a field trip for a nice blue spruce.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will experience mortal terror when it seems as if there is no God and that no one cares whether you live or die. This hyper-aware state will last the rest of your life.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your hibernation will continue uninterrupted throughout the season.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    An angel-dust-crazed Santa will visit your house, leave presents for the plate of cookies, and hungrily devour you with a glass of milk.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will achieve a state of total uselessness this week when you forget how to make butter sandwiches.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Good news: FAA crash investigators will find the other half of your skull just in time for the holidays.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be savagely beaten by a crowd of angry Canadians when you absent-mindedly reveal your ignorance of Boxing Day.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will be overcome with emotion this week after gazing upon the simple, timeless beauty of a Sears holiday window display.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A smelly, drunken vagrant will try to hit you up for a couple bucks, but he changes his mind upon realizing that you are his firstborn child.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will return from a trip abroad to find Joe Don Baker in your living room taking back his furniture.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Try as you might, you will not be able to shake the feeling that you wasted another perfectly good year.

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