Horoscope for the week of December 16, 1998

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Recent News

Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids

What It Costs To Host The Olympic Games

Boston announced this week it will pull its bid for the 2024 Olympics, due in part to the huge costs associated with the games that could become a taxpayer burden. Here is a breakdown of what the Olympics cost their host cities

Resolute Congress Passes Second Amendment Again

WASHINGTON—Easily securing the requisite two-thirds majorities in the House and Senate, a resolute United States Congress responded to the ongoing national debate on gun rights Tuesday by passing the Second Amendment again.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Preparedness

  • Doctors Recommend Getting 8 Centuries Of Cryosleep

    STANFORD, CA—Claiming that the practice is essential for effectively recharging the body and waking fully rested and alert, doctors at Stanford University issued a report Monday emphasizing the importance of getting at least eight centuries of atomi...

Horoscope for the week of December 16, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Don't let the hustle and bustle of the holiday season keep you from finishing your last will and testament before 4:22 p.m. on the 28th.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    A fun outing to chop down a Christmas tree ends in tragedy when you mistake a kindergarten class on a field trip for a nice blue spruce.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will experience mortal terror when it seems as if there is no God and that no one cares whether you live or die. This hyper-aware state will last the rest of your life.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your hibernation will continue uninterrupted throughout the season.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    An angel-dust-crazed Santa will visit your house, leave presents for the plate of cookies, and hungrily devour you with a glass of milk.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will achieve a state of total uselessness this week when you forget how to make butter sandwiches.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Good news: FAA crash investigators will find the other half of your skull just in time for the holidays.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be savagely beaten by a crowd of angry Canadians when you absent-mindedly reveal your ignorance of Boxing Day.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will be overcome with emotion this week after gazing upon the simple, timeless beauty of a Sears holiday window display.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A smelly, drunken vagrant will try to hit you up for a couple bucks, but he changes his mind upon realizing that you are his firstborn child.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will return from a trip abroad to find Joe Don Baker in your living room taking back his furniture.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Try as you might, you will not be able to shake the feeling that you wasted another perfectly good year.