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As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Horoscope for the week of December 16, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Don't let the hustle and bustle of the holiday season keep you from finishing your last will and testament before 4:22 p.m. on the 28th.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    A fun outing to chop down a Christmas tree ends in tragedy when you mistake a kindergarten class on a field trip for a nice blue spruce.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will experience mortal terror when it seems as if there is no God and that no one cares whether you live or die. This hyper-aware state will last the rest of your life.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your hibernation will continue uninterrupted throughout the season.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    An angel-dust-crazed Santa will visit your house, leave presents for the plate of cookies, and hungrily devour you with a glass of milk.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will achieve a state of total uselessness this week when you forget how to make butter sandwiches.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Good news: FAA crash investigators will find the other half of your skull just in time for the holidays.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be savagely beaten by a crowd of angry Canadians when you absent-mindedly reveal your ignorance of Boxing Day.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will be overcome with emotion this week after gazing upon the simple, timeless beauty of a Sears holiday window display.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A smelly, drunken vagrant will try to hit you up for a couple bucks, but he changes his mind upon realizing that you are his firstborn child.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will return from a trip abroad to find Joe Don Baker in your living room taking back his furniture.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Try as you might, you will not be able to shake the feeling that you wasted another perfectly good year.

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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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