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Horoscope for the week of December 17, 1996

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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race
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Horoscope for the week of December 17, 1996

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    In memory of your beloved Aunt Ruth, open fire on innocent patrons of a fast-food restaurant.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your triumphant exit from the worst job you've ever had is spoiled when a wino drenches you in flammable vodka vomit and sets you on fire with a menthol cigarette.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Stephanie Zimbalist's popularity will reach an all-time high this week following her nationally televised pledge to skin you alive and nail your pelt to the barn.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You are a person of uncommon vision. No matter who attempts to dissuade you, hold fast to your belief that your genitals are cramped and need to roam free.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will achieve the only orgasm of your life this week when an escaped convict runs to the Hallmark card store where you work and inserts a dozen Precious Moments figurines in your colon.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The stars are peeved that you didn't renew your subscription to Sky and Telescope magazine, so expect a fat, painful cyst on your ass.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    If the strain is getting to you, remember: Technical school isn't for everyone.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Poor quality control and lack of attention to detail force Consumer Reports to rate Scorpio 12th out of 12 star signs.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will lose your life savings after investing heavily in a line of "Happy Epilepsy" greeting cards.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your tireless quest for better aerodynamics goes horribly awry when you sand three of your friends to death.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Explosive flatulence is not always a good way to break the ice on a first date.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Become a softer, gentler person. Stop filing your teeth to razor-sharp points.

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