adBlockCheck

Horoscope for the week of December 17, 1996

Top Headlines

Recent News

NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.

Driving Vs. Public Transportation

Weighing factors such as convenience, time commitment, and environmental impact, deciding whether to commute via car or public transit can be difficult. Here is a side-by-side comparison of the two options
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Satisfaction

Holidays

Horoscope for the week of December 17, 1996

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    In memory of your beloved Aunt Ruth, open fire on innocent patrons of a fast-food restaurant.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your triumphant exit from the worst job you've ever had is spoiled when a wino drenches you in flammable vodka vomit and sets you on fire with a menthol cigarette.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Stephanie Zimbalist's popularity will reach an all-time high this week following her nationally televised pledge to skin you alive and nail your pelt to the barn.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You are a person of uncommon vision. No matter who attempts to dissuade you, hold fast to your belief that your genitals are cramped and need to roam free.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will achieve the only orgasm of your life this week when an escaped convict runs to the Hallmark card store where you work and inserts a dozen Precious Moments figurines in your colon.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The stars are peeved that you didn't renew your subscription to Sky and Telescope magazine, so expect a fat, painful cyst on your ass.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    If the strain is getting to you, remember: Technical school isn't for everyone.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Poor quality control and lack of attention to detail force Consumer Reports to rate Scorpio 12th out of 12 star signs.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will lose your life savings after investing heavily in a line of "Happy Epilepsy" greeting cards.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your tireless quest for better aerodynamics goes horribly awry when you sand three of your friends to death.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Explosive flatulence is not always a good way to break the ice on a first date.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Become a softer, gentler person. Stop filing your teeth to razor-sharp points.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close