Horoscope for the week of December 17, 1996

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Most Likely Candidates For Trump’s Cabinet

If elected president, Donald Trump will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising him on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Trump’s inner circle.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.
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Horoscope for the week of December 17, 1996

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    In memory of your beloved Aunt Ruth, open fire on innocent patrons of a fast-food restaurant.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your triumphant exit from the worst job you've ever had is spoiled when a wino drenches you in flammable vodka vomit and sets you on fire with a menthol cigarette.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Stephanie Zimbalist's popularity will reach an all-time high this week following her nationally televised pledge to skin you alive and nail your pelt to the barn.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You are a person of uncommon vision. No matter who attempts to dissuade you, hold fast to your belief that your genitals are cramped and need to roam free.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will achieve the only orgasm of your life this week when an escaped convict runs to the Hallmark card store where you work and inserts a dozen Precious Moments figurines in your colon.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The stars are peeved that you didn't renew your subscription to Sky and Telescope magazine, so expect a fat, painful cyst on your ass.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    If the strain is getting to you, remember: Technical school isn't for everyone.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Poor quality control and lack of attention to detail force Consumer Reports to rate Scorpio 12th out of 12 star signs.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will lose your life savings after investing heavily in a line of "Happy Epilepsy" greeting cards.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your tireless quest for better aerodynamics goes horribly awry when you sand three of your friends to death.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Explosive flatulence is not always a good way to break the ice on a first date.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Become a softer, gentler person. Stop filing your teeth to razor-sharp points.


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