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Horoscope for the week of December 17, 1996

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How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
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Horoscope for the week of December 17, 1996

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    In memory of your beloved Aunt Ruth, open fire on innocent patrons of a fast-food restaurant.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your triumphant exit from the worst job you've ever had is spoiled when a wino drenches you in flammable vodka vomit and sets you on fire with a menthol cigarette.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Stephanie Zimbalist's popularity will reach an all-time high this week following her nationally televised pledge to skin you alive and nail your pelt to the barn.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You are a person of uncommon vision. No matter who attempts to dissuade you, hold fast to your belief that your genitals are cramped and need to roam free.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will achieve the only orgasm of your life this week when an escaped convict runs to the Hallmark card store where you work and inserts a dozen Precious Moments figurines in your colon.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The stars are peeved that you didn't renew your subscription to Sky and Telescope magazine, so expect a fat, painful cyst on your ass.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    If the strain is getting to you, remember: Technical school isn't for everyone.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Poor quality control and lack of attention to detail force Consumer Reports to rate Scorpio 12th out of 12 star signs.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will lose your life savings after investing heavily in a line of "Happy Epilepsy" greeting cards.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your tireless quest for better aerodynamics goes horribly awry when you sand three of your friends to death.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Explosive flatulence is not always a good way to break the ice on a first date.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Become a softer, gentler person. Stop filing your teeth to razor-sharp points.

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