Aries | March 21 to April 19
In memory of your beloved Aunt Ruth, open fire on innocent patrons of a fast-food restaurant.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Your triumphant exit from the worst job you've ever had is spoiled when a wino drenches you in flammable vodka vomit and sets you on fire with a menthol cigarette.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Stephanie Zimbalist's popularity will reach an all-time high this week following her nationally televised pledge to skin you alive and nail your pelt to the barn.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You are a person of uncommon vision. No matter who attempts to dissuade you, hold fast to your belief that your genitals are cramped and need to roam free.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You will achieve the only orgasm of your life this week when an escaped convict runs to the Hallmark card store where you work and inserts a dozen Precious Moments figurines in your colon.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
The stars are peeved that you didn't renew your subscription to Sky and Telescope magazine, so expect a fat, painful cyst on your ass.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
If the strain is getting to you, remember: Technical school isn't for everyone.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Poor quality control and lack of attention to detail force Consumer Reports to rate Scorpio 12th out of 12 star signs.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You will lose your life savings after investing heavily in a line of "Happy Epilepsy" greeting cards.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Your tireless quest for better aerodynamics goes horribly awry when you sand three of your friends to death.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Explosive flatulence is not always a good way to break the ice on a first date.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Become a softer, gentler person. Stop filing your teeth to razor-sharp points.
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