Horoscope for the week of December 17, 1996

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Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.

Meteorologists Say Upcoming Hurricane Season To Be Permanent

SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning residents to prepare for extreme winds, heavy rainfall, and flooding starting in the near future and continuing indefinitely, meteorologists at the National Weather Service announced Friday that the upcoming hurricane season would be permanent.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Entertainment

  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

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Horoscope for the week of December 17, 1996

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    In memory of your beloved Aunt Ruth, open fire on innocent patrons of a fast-food restaurant.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your triumphant exit from the worst job you've ever had is spoiled when a wino drenches you in flammable vodka vomit and sets you on fire with a menthol cigarette.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Stephanie Zimbalist's popularity will reach an all-time high this week following her nationally televised pledge to skin you alive and nail your pelt to the barn.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You are a person of uncommon vision. No matter who attempts to dissuade you, hold fast to your belief that your genitals are cramped and need to roam free.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will achieve the only orgasm of your life this week when an escaped convict runs to the Hallmark card store where you work and inserts a dozen Precious Moments figurines in your colon.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The stars are peeved that you didn't renew your subscription to Sky and Telescope magazine, so expect a fat, painful cyst on your ass.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    If the strain is getting to you, remember: Technical school isn't for everyone.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Poor quality control and lack of attention to detail force Consumer Reports to rate Scorpio 12th out of 12 star signs.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will lose your life savings after investing heavily in a line of "Happy Epilepsy" greeting cards.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your tireless quest for better aerodynamics goes horribly awry when you sand three of your friends to death.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Explosive flatulence is not always a good way to break the ice on a first date.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Become a softer, gentler person. Stop filing your teeth to razor-sharp points.