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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Horoscope for the week of December 17, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    What you thought was a folksy comment turns out to be the plain truth when wet, slushy snow and heavy winds combine to make for rough sledding.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Optimism will once again be your downfall when, during a trip to Ohio, you assume that the angry natives will be awed into submission by your lighter.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Mars rising with the moon in syzygy says nothing about your future. It means "Screw you, fatty."
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    People will finally admit that you fulfilled your potential when you pass out in bed and your crack pipe sets off a massive goat-porn fire.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Next time, when passing a note intended to find out if someone likes you, you'll know to provide more than one box to check.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It's always the last person you'd expect that ends up being a murderer, marrying your sibling, or getting elected president.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    It won't be failure to adapt that kills you, but the ability to pause live television.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll fend off a lot of polite inquiries from Asians before you realize that your new Chinese tattoo actually reads "Ask Me About My Grandchildren."
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    A chance remark at a bar will result in a pack of angry, middle-aged drunks insisting, in the face of all evidence to the contrary, that punk is not dead.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your love for the unexpected joy of "snow days" will not translate directly into a love for next week's hellish rains of fire and blood.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The stars can warn you not to argue with clergymen over predestination this week, though they are ultimately helpless to stop you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    If you enjoyed last week, then relax. As usual, this week won't be a whole lot different from the previous one.

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