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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Horoscope for the week of December 17, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    What you thought was a folksy comment turns out to be the plain truth when wet, slushy snow and heavy winds combine to make for rough sledding.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Optimism will once again be your downfall when, during a trip to Ohio, you assume that the angry natives will be awed into submission by your lighter.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Mars rising with the moon in syzygy says nothing about your future. It means "Screw you, fatty."
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    People will finally admit that you fulfilled your potential when you pass out in bed and your crack pipe sets off a massive goat-porn fire.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Next time, when passing a note intended to find out if someone likes you, you'll know to provide more than one box to check.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It's always the last person you'd expect that ends up being a murderer, marrying your sibling, or getting elected president.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    It won't be failure to adapt that kills you, but the ability to pause live television.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll fend off a lot of polite inquiries from Asians before you realize that your new Chinese tattoo actually reads "Ask Me About My Grandchildren."
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    A chance remark at a bar will result in a pack of angry, middle-aged drunks insisting, in the face of all evidence to the contrary, that punk is not dead.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your love for the unexpected joy of "snow days" will not translate directly into a love for next week's hellish rains of fire and blood.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The stars can warn you not to argue with clergymen over predestination this week, though they are ultimately helpless to stop you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    If you enjoyed last week, then relax. As usual, this week won't be a whole lot different from the previous one.

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