Horoscope for the week of December 17, 2003

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Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.

Meteorologists Say Upcoming Hurricane Season To Be Permanent

SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning residents to prepare for extreme winds, heavy rainfall, and flooding starting in the near future and continuing indefinitely, meteorologists at the National Weather Service announced Friday that the upcoming hurricane season would be permanent.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Satisfaction

  • Man’s Body Running Out Of Ideas To Convince Him He Full

    BAYTOWN, TX—Having repeatedly ratcheted up the 34-year-old’s level of discomfort with no noticeable effect on his behavior, the body of local man Kent Dugan confirmed Wednesday that it was starting to run out of ideas to convince him that he was full.

Originality

Horoscope for the week of December 17, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    What you thought was a folksy comment turns out to be the plain truth when wet, slushy snow and heavy winds combine to make for rough sledding.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Optimism will once again be your downfall when, during a trip to Ohio, you assume that the angry natives will be awed into submission by your lighter.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Mars rising with the moon in syzygy says nothing about your future. It means "Screw you, fatty."
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    People will finally admit that you fulfilled your potential when you pass out in bed and your crack pipe sets off a massive goat-porn fire.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Next time, when passing a note intended to find out if someone likes you, you'll know to provide more than one box to check.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It's always the last person you'd expect that ends up being a murderer, marrying your sibling, or getting elected president.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    It won't be failure to adapt that kills you, but the ability to pause live television.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll fend off a lot of polite inquiries from Asians before you realize that your new Chinese tattoo actually reads "Ask Me About My Grandchildren."
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    A chance remark at a bar will result in a pack of angry, middle-aged drunks insisting, in the face of all evidence to the contrary, that punk is not dead.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your love for the unexpected joy of "snow days" will not translate directly into a love for next week's hellish rains of fire and blood.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The stars can warn you not to argue with clergymen over predestination this week, though they are ultimately helpless to stop you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    If you enjoyed last week, then relax. As usual, this week won't be a whole lot different from the previous one.