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Horoscope for the week of December 18, 2002

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What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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Horoscope for the week of December 18, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Nothing can convince you that the chase sequence in Bullitt isn't the greatest love scene ever committed to film.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars say this is a good week for romance, but lately you've been getting the feeling they're not talking about you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will come very close to acting heroically when you push an old lady out of the way of a hurtling bus and underneath a cement truck.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Don't take next week's failures too hard: No one could have foreseen the sudden appearance of so many ax-wielding monkeys.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your neighbors are progressive enough to accept a May/December romance, but don't expect them to like your May/at-least-a-year-from-October fling.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Certain shortcomings in your education and upbringing cause you to read meaning into the relationships among various celestial bodies.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll soon meet someone who helps you forget all about that previous bad relationship by forcing you to focus on putting out constant fires.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be bemused and bewildered to discover that you are mentioned in the creation myths of three-fourths of the world's cultures.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Just when your life seems to be a never-ending series of miseries, disappointments, and small disasters, it will surprise you by abruptly ending.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Now that you've achieved exactly half of your life's goals, it's time to start thinking about eating a second whole turkey.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will suffer humiliation and loss of reputation when your culinary experiments in Korean/Latin fusion blow an entire city block sky-high.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your troubles will be over before you know it, but most witnesses will agree that you probably didn't feel a thing.

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