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Horoscope for the week of December 18, 2002

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New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
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Horoscope for the week of December 18, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Nothing can convince you that the chase sequence in Bullitt isn't the greatest love scene ever committed to film.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars say this is a good week for romance, but lately you've been getting the feeling they're not talking about you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will come very close to acting heroically when you push an old lady out of the way of a hurtling bus and underneath a cement truck.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Don't take next week's failures too hard: No one could have foreseen the sudden appearance of so many ax-wielding monkeys.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your neighbors are progressive enough to accept a May/December romance, but don't expect them to like your May/at-least-a-year-from-October fling.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Certain shortcomings in your education and upbringing cause you to read meaning into the relationships among various celestial bodies.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll soon meet someone who helps you forget all about that previous bad relationship by forcing you to focus on putting out constant fires.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be bemused and bewildered to discover that you are mentioned in the creation myths of three-fourths of the world's cultures.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Just when your life seems to be a never-ending series of miseries, disappointments, and small disasters, it will surprise you by abruptly ending.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Now that you've achieved exactly half of your life's goals, it's time to start thinking about eating a second whole turkey.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will suffer humiliation and loss of reputation when your culinary experiments in Korean/Latin fusion blow an entire city block sky-high.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your troubles will be over before you know it, but most witnesses will agree that you probably didn't feel a thing.

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