Horoscope for the week of December 18, 2002

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What The Planet Will Look Like In 2100

As scientists try to project the effects of climate change into the future, many of these forecasts only go as far as 2100, a year beyond which the alterations to our environment become much harder to predict. Here is a breakdown of what we can expect our world to look like in 2100

Your Horoscopes – Week of May 1, 2012

ARIES: You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you.

Boss Able To Seamlessly Blend Constructive Criticism With Personal Attacks

SAN JOSE, CA—Marveling at the ease and deftness with which he communicates the two messages simultaneously, employees at local advertising firm Wavelength Solutions told reporters Tuesday that their supervisor Eric Crowell has a unique ability to seamlessly blend constructive criticism with cutting personal attacks.

Roger Federer Stunned By Sheer Amount Of Trash On U.S. Open Courts

NEW YORK—Surveying the piles of wrappers, old newspapers, and empty bottles scattered around the playing surface during his pre-match warmups, world No. 2–ranked tennis player Roger Federer expressed utter disbelief Monday over the sheer amount of trash on the U.S. Open courts.

God Wondering How Far He Could Throw Earth

THE HEAVENS—His gaze shifting from the terrestrial planet out to the expanse of the universe and then back, The Lord Almighty, Our Heavenly Father, reportedly wondered aloud Tuesday just how far He could throw the Earth.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Man’s Body Running Out Of Ideas To Convince Him He Full

    BAYTOWN, TX—Having repeatedly ratcheted up the 34-year-old’s level of discomfort with no noticeable effect on his behavior, the body of local man Kent Dugan confirmed Wednesday that it was starting to run out of ideas to convince him that he was full.

Horoscope for the week of December 18, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Nothing can convince you that the chase sequence in Bullitt isn't the greatest love scene ever committed to film.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars say this is a good week for romance, but lately you've been getting the feeling they're not talking about you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will come very close to acting heroically when you push an old lady out of the way of a hurtling bus and underneath a cement truck.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Don't take next week's failures too hard: No one could have foreseen the sudden appearance of so many ax-wielding monkeys.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your neighbors are progressive enough to accept a May/December romance, but don't expect them to like your May/at-least-a-year-from-October fling.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Certain shortcomings in your education and upbringing cause you to read meaning into the relationships among various celestial bodies.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll soon meet someone who helps you forget all about that previous bad relationship by forcing you to focus on putting out constant fires.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be bemused and bewildered to discover that you are mentioned in the creation myths of three-fourths of the world's cultures.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Just when your life seems to be a never-ending series of miseries, disappointments, and small disasters, it will surprise you by abruptly ending.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Now that you've achieved exactly half of your life's goals, it's time to start thinking about eating a second whole turkey.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will suffer humiliation and loss of reputation when your culinary experiments in Korean/Latin fusion blow an entire city block sky-high.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your troubles will be over before you know it, but most witnesses will agree that you probably didn't feel a thing.