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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Horoscope for the week of December 18, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Nothing can convince you that the chase sequence in Bullitt isn't the greatest love scene ever committed to film.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars say this is a good week for romance, but lately you've been getting the feeling they're not talking about you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will come very close to acting heroically when you push an old lady out of the way of a hurtling bus and underneath a cement truck.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Don't take next week's failures too hard: No one could have foreseen the sudden appearance of so many ax-wielding monkeys.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your neighbors are progressive enough to accept a May/December romance, but don't expect them to like your May/at-least-a-year-from-October fling.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Certain shortcomings in your education and upbringing cause you to read meaning into the relationships among various celestial bodies.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll soon meet someone who helps you forget all about that previous bad relationship by forcing you to focus on putting out constant fires.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be bemused and bewildered to discover that you are mentioned in the creation myths of three-fourths of the world's cultures.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Just when your life seems to be a never-ending series of miseries, disappointments, and small disasters, it will surprise you by abruptly ending.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Now that you've achieved exactly half of your life's goals, it's time to start thinking about eating a second whole turkey.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will suffer humiliation and loss of reputation when your culinary experiments in Korean/Latin fusion blow an entire city block sky-high.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your troubles will be over before you know it, but most witnesses will agree that you probably didn't feel a thing.

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