Horoscope for the week of December 18, 2002

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How To Reform The Nation’s Prison System

With pressing issues such as overcrowding, overuse of solitary confinement, and the long-term incarceration of nonviolent offenders, many critics of the nation’s prison system are calling for sweeping reforms. Here are some of the proposals to improve the prison system:

Sight Of 400 War Elephants On Horizon Marks Hillary Clinton’s Arrival In Swing State

WHEELING, OH—Feeling the earth shake beneath them as they watched the procession climb over the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains toward their village, sources along the Ohio border confirmed Thursday that the sight of 400 war elephants marching on the horizon marked Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s arrival to the critical swing state.

WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of December 18, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Nothing can convince you that the chase sequence in Bullitt isn't the greatest love scene ever committed to film.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars say this is a good week for romance, but lately you've been getting the feeling they're not talking about you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will come very close to acting heroically when you push an old lady out of the way of a hurtling bus and underneath a cement truck.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Don't take next week's failures too hard: No one could have foreseen the sudden appearance of so many ax-wielding monkeys.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your neighbors are progressive enough to accept a May/December romance, but don't expect them to like your May/at-least-a-year-from-October fling.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Certain shortcomings in your education and upbringing cause you to read meaning into the relationships among various celestial bodies.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll soon meet someone who helps you forget all about that previous bad relationship by forcing you to focus on putting out constant fires.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be bemused and bewildered to discover that you are mentioned in the creation myths of three-fourths of the world's cultures.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Just when your life seems to be a never-ending series of miseries, disappointments, and small disasters, it will surprise you by abruptly ending.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Now that you've achieved exactly half of your life's goals, it's time to start thinking about eating a second whole turkey.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will suffer humiliation and loss of reputation when your culinary experiments in Korean/Latin fusion blow an entire city block sky-high.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your troubles will be over before you know it, but most witnesses will agree that you probably didn't feel a thing.