adBlockCheck

Horoscope for the week of December 19, 2001

Top Headlines

Recent News

Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Horoscope for the week of December 19, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will be shot by your girlfriend and shunned by society after taking relationship advice from the editors of Maxim.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your conviction that good things come to those who wait is cited as the cause of your starvation death at a bus stop.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will achieve success in the world of advertising when you underestimate the intelligence of the American public.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    One of your wildest dreams will suddenly come true. Unfortunately, it's the one in which each of the demon's fangs has its own little shrieking face.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Try looking at it this way: Maybe you're normal, and the people with only two eyes are the weird ones.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The bigger boys will dip your hand in warm water while you sleep, and the camp counselors will once again ignore it, simply because you haven't been to camp in years.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will soon learn that you crash-landed in your small Kansas town in a meteor, which explains the burns covering your body.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your belief that you are a pawn in a much larger game is untrue. The game is not all that large.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You know you're different from everyone else, but, try as you might, you just can't understand why people put walls where they do.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your feelings of resentment over having to live on a reservation are unwarranted, as you are an endangered Cape buffalo.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Be careful what you wish for this week. You won't get it, regardless, but it's always a good idea to be careful.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will throw a huge hissyfit when you are told that your anti-terrorism bill is unconstitutional.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close