Aries | March 21 to April 19
You will be shot by your girlfriend and shunned by society after taking relationship advice from the editors of Maxim.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Your conviction that good things come to those who wait is cited as the cause of your starvation death at a bus stop.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You will achieve success in the world of advertising when you underestimate the intelligence of the American public.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
One of your wildest dreams will suddenly come true. Unfortunately, it's the one in which each of the demon's fangs has its own little shrieking face.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Try looking at it this way: Maybe you're normal, and the people with only two eyes are the weird ones.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
The bigger boys will dip your hand in warm water while you sleep, and the camp counselors will once again ignore it, simply because you haven't been to camp in years.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You will soon learn that you crash-landed in your small Kansas town in a meteor, which explains the burns covering your body.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Your belief that you are a pawn in a much larger game is untrue. The game is not all that large.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You know you're different from everyone else, but, try as you might, you just can't understand why people put walls where they do.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Your feelings of resentment over having to live on a reservation are unwarranted, as you are an endangered Cape buffalo.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Be careful what you wish for this week. You won't get it, regardless, but it's always a good idea to be careful.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You will throw a huge hissyfit when you are told that your anti-terrorism bill is unconstitutional.
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