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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Horoscope for the week of December 19, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will be shot by your girlfriend and shunned by society after taking relationship advice from the editors of Maxim.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your conviction that good things come to those who wait is cited as the cause of your starvation death at a bus stop.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will achieve success in the world of advertising when you underestimate the intelligence of the American public.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    One of your wildest dreams will suddenly come true. Unfortunately, it's the one in which each of the demon's fangs has its own little shrieking face.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Try looking at it this way: Maybe you're normal, and the people with only two eyes are the weird ones.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The bigger boys will dip your hand in warm water while you sleep, and the camp counselors will once again ignore it, simply because you haven't been to camp in years.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will soon learn that you crash-landed in your small Kansas town in a meteor, which explains the burns covering your body.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your belief that you are a pawn in a much larger game is untrue. The game is not all that large.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You know you're different from everyone else, but, try as you might, you just can't understand why people put walls where they do.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your feelings of resentment over having to live on a reservation are unwarranted, as you are an endangered Cape buffalo.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Be careful what you wish for this week. You won't get it, regardless, but it's always a good idea to be careful.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will throw a huge hissyfit when you are told that your anti-terrorism bill is unconstitutional.
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