Horoscope for the week of December 19, 2001

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Vol 37 Issue 46

Boyfriend Ceremoniously Dumped

ELLENSBURG, WA—In a gala breakup featuring the town mayor and the Ellensburg High School marching band, Chris Schiffman was ceremoniously dumped Sunday by Vicki Arness, his girlfriend of three years. "Ladies and gentlemen of Ellensburg, let the word go forth from this day that Vicki and Chris are no longer an item!" Mayor Robert Todd announced before 3,000 cheering attendees. "Vicki has let it be known that she wishes to see other people, and see other people she shall!" The scissors-wielding mayor then officially declared the couple broken up by cutting an oversized photo of them in half.

Report: U.S. Must Reduce Dependence On Foreign Turmoil

WASHINGTON, DC—According to a Cato Institute report released Monday, the U.S. has become overly dependent on foreign turmoil for its conversations and media coverage. "The American people consume as many as 60 million barrels of crude speculation every day, using it for everything from driving discussions to heating up political debates," the report stated. "Unless we can dredge up domestic sources of turmoil, we may end up utterly dependent on the Middle East for conversational fuel."

National Board Of Steve Jaskoviak Requests $10 Billion Bailout

ROCHESTER, MN—Steve Jaskoviak, president of the National Board of Steve Jaskoviak, lobbied Congress for an unprecedented $10 billion bailout package Monday. "In order to continue providing Americans with a full range of Steve Jaskoviak-related services, it is crucial that I receive this aid," Jaskoviak told Congress. "This relief package will not only will cover my $5,612 Visa debt, but numerous administrative costs, as well."

San Francisco Is My Favorite Market

As a marketing executive who does a fair amount of business traveling, I've had the chance to visit a lot of markets. New York, Boston, Chicago, Los Angeles—they're all great markets, each with their own unique attractions and attributes. But for my money, there's no market quite like San Francisco.

Wow, Check Out That Motorcycle Revving!

Last night, sometime around 2 a.m., I was ripped from a peaceful slumber by a shockingly loud noise from the street outside. Alternating between a shrill, piercing whine and a thunderous roar, the sound echoed down the block, rattling my bedroom windows with oceanic waves of internal-combustion fury. As I lay there, unable to fall back asleep, my head and pulse pounding, I could think only one thing: Wow, check out that motorcycle revving!

Art Major To Stop Capitalizing Name

COLUMBUS, OH—Michael Wechsler, 19, an Ohio State University art major, announced Monday that he is changing his name to "michael wechsler." "Isn't that so much cooler?" Wechsler said to fellow art major Ethan Reed. "The whole capital-letter thing has always bothered me. It's just a stupid rule that everyone else seems to think they have to follow." Wechsler is also considering changing the spelling of his first name to "mychal."

Bush And The ABM Treaty

Worried about nuclear attacks by terrorists and rogue states, President Bush pulled out of the ABM treaty in the hopes of building a missile shield. What do you think?

Partygoers Mocked By Catering Staff

MARIETTA, GA—Unbeknownst to attendees of Susan and Mel Gullicksen's holiday party Saturday, the Feather & Fennel Catering staff spent most of the evening mocking partygoers behind their backs.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Fantasy Sports

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

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Horoscope for the week of December 19, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries

    You will be shot by your girlfriend and shunned by society after taking relationship advice from the editors of Maxim.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Your conviction that good things come to those who wait is cited as the cause of your starvation death at a bus stop.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You will achieve success in the world of advertising when you underestimate the intelligence of the American public.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    One of your wildest dreams will suddenly come true. Unfortunately, it's the one in which each of the demon's fangs has its own little shrieking face.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Try looking at it this way: Maybe you're normal, and the people with only two eyes are the weird ones.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    The bigger boys will dip your hand in warm water while you sleep, and the camp counselors will once again ignore it, simply because you haven't been to camp in years.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You will soon learn that you crash-landed in your small Kansas town in a meteor, which explains the burns covering your body.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Your belief that you are a pawn in a much larger game is untrue. The game is not all that large.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You know you're different from everyone else, but, try as you might, you just can't understand why people put walls where they do.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Your feelings of resentment over having to live on a reservation are unwarranted, as you are an endangered Cape buffalo.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Be careful what you wish for this week. You won't get it, regardless, but it's always a good idea to be careful.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You will throw a huge hissyfit when you are told that your anti-terrorism bill is unconstitutional.
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