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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Horoscope for the week of December 19, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will be shot by your girlfriend and shunned by society after taking relationship advice from the editors of Maxim.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your conviction that good things come to those who wait is cited as the cause of your starvation death at a bus stop.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will achieve success in the world of advertising when you underestimate the intelligence of the American public.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    One of your wildest dreams will suddenly come true. Unfortunately, it's the one in which each of the demon's fangs has its own little shrieking face.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Try looking at it this way: Maybe you're normal, and the people with only two eyes are the weird ones.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The bigger boys will dip your hand in warm water while you sleep, and the camp counselors will once again ignore it, simply because you haven't been to camp in years.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will soon learn that you crash-landed in your small Kansas town in a meteor, which explains the burns covering your body.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your belief that you are a pawn in a much larger game is untrue. The game is not all that large.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You know you're different from everyone else, but, try as you might, you just can't understand why people put walls where they do.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your feelings of resentment over having to live on a reservation are unwarranted, as you are an endangered Cape buffalo.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Be careful what you wish for this week. You won't get it, regardless, but it's always a good idea to be careful.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will throw a huge hissyfit when you are told that your anti-terrorism bill is unconstitutional.

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