adBlockCheck

Horoscope for the week of December 20, 2000

Top Headlines

Recent News

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Wow, Dad Really Went From Zero To 60 With Woodworking This Summer

PAGE, AZ—Expressing their astonishment as they once again heard the sound of their father using his circular saw in the garage despite his seemingly complete lack of interest in the craft prior to last month, the children of area man Sam Morgan, 52, confirmed Tuesday that, wow, their dad had really gone from zero to 60 with woodworking this summer.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Horoscope for the week of December 20, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The courts deny your request to change your name, forcing you to remain John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt for life.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will be disappointed when no one is surprised to hear that you attended a science-fiction convention.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will discover a new miracle weight-loss plan that will enable you to lose weight and get in shape. Then you won't follow it.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Love alone will fail to see you through the hard times. It's a good thing you're also incredibly rich.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Next time, ask yourself: How would I feel if I were a nurse and someone murdered me that way?
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will be mortified to realize that you misspelled the words "fiery," "dynamite," and "vengeance" in your letter to the president.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You used to think that it would be cool to have a computer implanted in your skull, but it turns out it's not.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    When offered potato salad, decline politely, saying that you'd take some if you liked it, but you don't. Unless you do like it. In that case, by all means, have some potato salad.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will feel both alienated and betrayed when you realize that your town's beloved teen center will not mature along with you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    On second thought, maybe the idea of an Irish-themed rap group was kind of silly, after all.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Put it back. Don't look at Aquarius like you don't know what it's talking about. Put it back. Now!
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will learn the hard way that cryogenically freezing yourself until a cure for cancer is found is not something you just do at home.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close