adBlockCheck

Horoscope for the week of December 20, 2000

Top Headlines

Recent News

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant

The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Television

Horoscope for the week of December 20, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The courts deny your request to change your name, forcing you to remain John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt for life.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will be disappointed when no one is surprised to hear that you attended a science-fiction convention.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will discover a new miracle weight-loss plan that will enable you to lose weight and get in shape. Then you won't follow it.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Love alone will fail to see you through the hard times. It's a good thing you're also incredibly rich.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Next time, ask yourself: How would I feel if I were a nurse and someone murdered me that way?
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will be mortified to realize that you misspelled the words "fiery," "dynamite," and "vengeance" in your letter to the president.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You used to think that it would be cool to have a computer implanted in your skull, but it turns out it's not.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    When offered potato salad, decline politely, saying that you'd take some if you liked it, but you don't. Unless you do like it. In that case, by all means, have some potato salad.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will feel both alienated and betrayed when you realize that your town's beloved teen center will not mature along with you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    On second thought, maybe the idea of an Irish-themed rap group was kind of silly, after all.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Put it back. Don't look at Aquarius like you don't know what it's talking about. Put it back. Now!
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will learn the hard way that cryogenically freezing yourself until a cure for cancer is found is not something you just do at home.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close