adBlockCheck

Horoscope for the week of December 20, 2000

Top Headlines

Recent News

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Horoscope for the week of December 20, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The courts deny your request to change your name, forcing you to remain John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt for life.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will be disappointed when no one is surprised to hear that you attended a science-fiction convention.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will discover a new miracle weight-loss plan that will enable you to lose weight and get in shape. Then you won't follow it.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Love alone will fail to see you through the hard times. It's a good thing you're also incredibly rich.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Next time, ask yourself: How would I feel if I were a nurse and someone murdered me that way?
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will be mortified to realize that you misspelled the words "fiery," "dynamite," and "vengeance" in your letter to the president.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You used to think that it would be cool to have a computer implanted in your skull, but it turns out it's not.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    When offered potato salad, decline politely, saying that you'd take some if you liked it, but you don't. Unless you do like it. In that case, by all means, have some potato salad.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will feel both alienated and betrayed when you realize that your town's beloved teen center will not mature along with you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    On second thought, maybe the idea of an Irish-themed rap group was kind of silly, after all.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Put it back. Don't look at Aquarius like you don't know what it's talking about. Put it back. Now!
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will learn the hard way that cryogenically freezing yourself until a cure for cancer is found is not something you just do at home.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close