Horoscope for the week of December 20, 2000

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New York City Abuzz Over New Resident

NEW YORK—With word spreading rapidly through office towers, apartment buildings, and across all five boroughs, sources confirmed Friday that New Yorkers were abuzz over reports that a new resident had moved to the city.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 7, 2014

ARIES: Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.

Ranking Women Somehow Not Issue In Miss USA Debacle

NEW YORK—As backlash against the Miss USA pageant continues to spread following controversial anti-immigration remarks made by the contest’s owner, Donald Trump, sources confirmed this week that the overt ranking of women is somehow not a part of the ongoing nationwide outrage.

Insurance Only Covers Generic Heart Transplant

GALLATIN, TN—Saying he will just have to trust that the new organ he receives is as good as the other options out there, local man Keith Palmero confirmed Tuesday that his insurance provider would only cover a generic heart for his upcoming transplant surgery.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of December 20, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The courts deny your request to change your name, forcing you to remain John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt for life.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will be disappointed when no one is surprised to hear that you attended a science-fiction convention.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will discover a new miracle weight-loss plan that will enable you to lose weight and get in shape. Then you won't follow it.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Love alone will fail to see you through the hard times. It's a good thing you're also incredibly rich.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Next time, ask yourself: How would I feel if I were a nurse and someone murdered me that way?
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will be mortified to realize that you misspelled the words "fiery," "dynamite," and "vengeance" in your letter to the president.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You used to think that it would be cool to have a computer implanted in your skull, but it turns out it's not.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    When offered potato salad, decline politely, saying that you'd take some if you liked it, but you don't. Unless you do like it. In that case, by all means, have some potato salad.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will feel both alienated and betrayed when you realize that your town's beloved teen center will not mature along with you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    On second thought, maybe the idea of an Irish-themed rap group was kind of silly, after all.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Put it back. Don't look at Aquarius like you don't know what it's talking about. Put it back. Now!
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will learn the hard way that cryogenically freezing yourself until a cure for cancer is found is not something you just do at home.
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