Horoscope for the week of December 20, 2000

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Vol 36 Issue 46

Man Reading Pynchon On Bus Takes Pains To Make Cover Visible

PHILADELPHIA–According to riders on the eastbound C bus, John Bolen, 23, made a conscious effort Monday to make the cover of Thomas Pynchon's The Crying Of Lot 49 visible to all on board. "Instead of resting the book on his lap or on the seat in front of him, he was holding it up in this really awkward, uncomfortable-looking way," rider Caryn Little said. "Then, every so often, he'd glance around to see if anyone was noticing what he was reading." Bolen vehemently denied the Pynchon-flaunting charges, insisting that "the light was bad" on the bus.

Letter From Employer Thankfully Omits Balls-Copying Incident

SAN FRANCISCO–Randall Konerko, a 39-year-old database administrator looking for a new job in the field, was relieved to learn Monday that a letter of recommendation from his former employer makes no reference to the Dec. 11 balls-copying incident that led to his dismissal. "Whew, that's a relief," said Konerko after an interview with Luminant Worldwide. "I was sure Mr. Alland would mention that whole thing, but, mercifully, he didn't." Konerko has made a promise to himself never to engage in testicular Xeroxing, even if it's 2 a.m. and the office seems empty.

Bush Calls For End To 'Era Of Political Argument'

AUSTIN, TX–In a televised speech to the nation Monday, president-elect George W. Bush called for "an end to the era of political argument." "My fellow Americans," Bush said, "after a difficult period of partisan debate, the time has come for unanimity. We have seen how destructive it is when political rivals disagree, and we as a nation can no longer afford such ideological division." Bush said he is committed to making his presidency "The Age Of Assent."

The $252,000,000 Man

Last week, free-agent shortstop Alex Rodriguez signed the richest contract in sports history, a 10-year, $252 million deal with the Texas Rangers. What do you think?

Madonna's Wedding

Later this month, Madonna and director Guy Ritchie will marry at a Scottish castle. Among the known details:

The Final Frontier

Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but Standish and I are currently hurtling away from the Earth in a giant metal rocket-ship. It turns out that the obelisk in which we were hiding as the murderous Society Of 800 Avenging Fists attacked my poor son N. Aeschylus was not an immobile object at all, but a powerful mortar-shell timed to automatically propel it-self from the Earth's grip.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of December 20, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries

    The courts deny your request to change your name, forcing you to remain John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt for life.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You will be disappointed when no one is surprised to hear that you attended a science-fiction convention.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You will discover a new miracle weight-loss plan that will enable you to lose weight and get in shape. Then you won't follow it.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Love alone will fail to see you through the hard times. It's a good thing you're also incredibly rich.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Next time, ask yourself: How would I feel if I were a nurse and someone murdered me that way?
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You will be mortified to realize that you misspelled the words "fiery," "dynamite," and "vengeance" in your letter to the president.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You used to think that it would be cool to have a computer implanted in your skull, but it turns out it's not.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    When offered potato salad, decline politely, saying that you'd take some if you liked it, but you don't. Unless you do like it. In that case, by all means, have some potato salad.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You will feel both alienated and betrayed when you realize that your town's beloved teen center will not mature along with you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    On second thought, maybe the idea of an Irish-themed rap group was kind of silly, after all.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Put it back. Don't look at Aquarius like you don't know what it's talking about. Put it back. Now!
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You will learn the hard way that cryogenically freezing yourself until a cure for cancer is found is not something you just do at home.
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