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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Horoscope for the week of December 22, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Though you will soon find yourself sharing an exciting cross-country road trip with Jerry Reed and a lop-eared basset hound, it's not what you think.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will achieve a certain kind of notoriety when you get rich selling the world's most tasteless exercise program.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will be shaken to your very core by the revelation that not everything in the universe is exactly the same size.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    This will not be a time of great changes for Cancer, but it will be a time of above-average sandwiches.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Though you don't expect much from the holiday season, you'll still be let down.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will feel like an ass when you believe a story that was obviously fiction and intended to be entertaining.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    A sense of confusion comes over you when, after an acquaintance tells you to "keep up the good work," you cannot recall ever doing any such work.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Don't listen to the people who tell you you should have that fist-sized tumor removed from your esophagus. They're just jealous.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You are a melding of light and shadow, sunset and dawn, a multitude of wonders fused in mortal flesh. And a great big flabby lump of flesh it is, too.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The tiniest bite of a fresh-baked madeline will bring a sudden flood of memories of other times you ate cookies.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Though you may decide a Dorothy Hamill hairdo looks terrible on you, that's no reason to take it out on Ms. Hamill.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your holiday experience will have much in common with Inuit creation myths, especially the snowy parts.
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