Horoscope for the week of December 22, 1999

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How To Talk To Your Child About Death

When your family has experienced a loss, it can be a difficult concept for young children to process. The Onion breaks down the best ways to converse with your child about the realities of death

Jayson Werth Catches Foul Ball Without Spilling Beer

WASHINGTON—In an incredible play that drew cheers from the whole stadium, Washington Nationals left fielder Jayson Werth managed to catch a foul ball Tuesday night without spilling the beer he was holding in his other hand.

NASA Deploys Congressional Rover To Search For Funding

WASHINGTON—Calling the program “the most crucial in the agency’s history,” researchers at NASA announced Wednesday they have successfully deployed a Special Exploratory Rover to Congress as part of an open-ended mission to seek out any possible trace of funding on Capitol Hill.

What The Planet Will Look Like In 2100

As scientists try to project the effects of climate change into the future, many of these forecasts only go as far as 2100, a year beyond which the alterations to our environment become much harder to predict. Here is a breakdown of what we can expect our world to look like in 2100
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of December 22, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Though you will soon find yourself sharing an exciting cross-country road trip with Jerry Reed and a lop-eared basset hound, it's not what you think.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will achieve a certain kind of notoriety when you get rich selling the world's most tasteless exercise program.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will be shaken to your very core by the revelation that not everything in the universe is exactly the same size.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    This will not be a time of great changes for Cancer, but it will be a time of above-average sandwiches.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Though you don't expect much from the holiday season, you'll still be let down.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will feel like an ass when you believe a story that was obviously fiction and intended to be entertaining.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    A sense of confusion comes over you when, after an acquaintance tells you to "keep up the good work," you cannot recall ever doing any such work.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Don't listen to the people who tell you you should have that fist-sized tumor removed from your esophagus. They're just jealous.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You are a melding of light and shadow, sunset and dawn, a multitude of wonders fused in mortal flesh. And a great big flabby lump of flesh it is, too.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The tiniest bite of a fresh-baked madeline will bring a sudden flood of memories of other times you ate cookies.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Though you may decide a Dorothy Hamill hairdo looks terrible on you, that's no reason to take it out on Ms. Hamill.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your holiday experience will have much in common with Inuit creation myths, especially the snowy parts.