Aries | March 21 to April 19
Though you will soon find yourself sharing an exciting cross-country road trip with Jerry Reed and a lop-eared basset hound, it's not what you think.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You will achieve a certain kind of notoriety when you get rich selling the world's most tasteless exercise program.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You will be shaken to your very core by the revelation that not everything in the universe is exactly the same size.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
This will not be a time of great changes for Cancer, but it will be a time of above-average sandwiches.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Though you don't expect much from the holiday season, you'll still be let down.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You will feel like an ass when you believe a story that was obviously fiction and intended to be entertaining.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
A sense of confusion comes over you when, after an acquaintance tells you to "keep up the good work," you cannot recall ever doing any such work.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Don't listen to the people who tell you you should have that fist-sized tumor removed from your esophagus. They're just jealous.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You are a melding of light and shadow, sunset and dawn, a multitude of wonders fused in mortal flesh. And a great big flabby lump of flesh it is, too.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
The tiniest bite of a fresh-baked madeline will bring a sudden flood of memories of other times you ate cookies.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Though you may decide a Dorothy Hamill hairdo looks terrible on you, that's no reason to take it out on Ms. Hamill.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Your holiday experience will have much in common with Inuit creation myths, especially the snowy parts.
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