Horoscope for the week of December 22, 1999

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Vol 35 Issue 47

Woman On TV Engulfed In Animated Credit-Card Bills

BRISTOL, TN—Officials from United Home Lenders were summoned Monday to the aid of homeowner Tanya Irving, who was sighted at 3:12 a.m. straining under the weight of cartoonish, video-animated bills with scowling faces. "We were notified that the woman's home was overrun by bills, bills, bills," said UHL president Aaron Tompkins. "Naturally, being decent people, we wanted to help." Tompkins said that Irving may even qualify for some extra cash for a vacation or home repair.

Book Given As Gift Actually Read

LONG BEACH, CA—The nation's publishing industry was rocked by Monday's news that a book given as a holiday gift was actually read and enjoyed by its recipient. According to reports, Long Beach schoolteacher Gavin Wallace completed James Gleick's Genius: The Life And Science Of Richard Feynman, a present from his cousin. "I was very interested in Dr. Feynman, after having seen a TV show on him last month," Wallace told reporters. "So, having some time to myself over the holidays, I read the book, which I enjoyed thoroughly." Wallace previously made headlines for his December 1996 consumption of the entire contents of a Hickory Farms gift basket.

Couple Always Like This

QUINCY, MA—Longtime couple Scott Pfaff and Lisa Baumgartner have pretty much always been like this, sources close to the pair revealed Monday. "This is definitely no news-flash," said mutual friend Stacie Pritkin, who recently hosted a holiday party during which the pair was at it as usual. "You hang out with those two, you learn to expect that sort of stuff." Said Pfaff's friend Marc Dohn: "I was at the mall with them once when they started getting like that—right in Radio Shack."

New Jersey Supreme Court Rules The Bastard Had It Coming

TRENTON, NJ—By a 6-1 decision Monday, the New Jersey Supreme Court overturned the murder conviction of Secaucus auto mechanic Joseph Delavecchia, ruling that the bastard he deep-sixed had it coming. "Why would you try something like that with another man's wife?" wrote Judge Frank Mancuso in his majority opinion. "I tell ya, [dead bastard] Vince[nt Pitti] got off lucky, getting knocked off so quick. I seen guys get a lot worse than two slugs to the gut for the kind of stunt he pulled." The bastard's family has vowed to appeal the decision, saying they are prepared to take it all the way to the U.S. Supreme Court if necessary, pally.

Beautiful Nurse Gives Teen Enema

HUNTINGTON, WV—A routine stay at Huntington General Hospital turned humiliating Monday, when Bradley Fiddich, 17, received an enema from shapely, smooth-skinned nurse Stephanie Goodwin, 22. "Oh, my God, I want to kill myself," said Fiddich following his degrading encounter with the attractive, single Goodwin, who rolled him over and inserted an enema tube into his anus, draining the contents of his colon. "I can never look at another girl as long as I live." Fiddich noted with alarm that while conversing with Goodwin, he learned that the nurse's younger sister is in his science class.

Energetic Self-Starter Instantly Despised By Co-Workers

CHARLOTTE, NC—Timothy Benson, 27, a self-described "fast learner and motivated self-starter," showed up for his first day of work at Williams & Broderick Accounting "bright-eyed and bushy-tailed" Monday, instantly earning him the undying hatred of his new co-workers.

Another Lousy Christ-mas

How appropriate, during the season in which we celebrate the glorious nativity of our Holy Savior the Christ-Child, that I found my-self the proud papa of my own sweet little son! Giddy over the blessed arrival of N. Aeschylus, I vowed that the Zweibel clan's annual Christ-mas pageant and talent exhibition would be especially lavish. I instructed my man-servant Standish to assemble the finest entertainment in the Republic and to set up the old Nativity scene props. It would truly be a Yule to remember!

Homelessness Crackdown

In addition to New York City Mayor Rudolph Giuliani's controversial order for arrests of the homeless, many city officials are passing legislation to address the growing problem of homelessness. What do you think about these so-called anti-homelessness laws?
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Comfort

  • Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

    ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Energy

Horoscope for the week of December 22, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries

    Though you will soon find yourself sharing an exciting cross-country road trip with Jerry Reed and a lop-eared basset hound, it's not what you think.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You will achieve a certain kind of notoriety when you get rich selling the world's most tasteless exercise program.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You will be shaken to your very core by the revelation that not everything in the universe is exactly the same size.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    This will not be a time of great changes for Cancer, but it will be a time of above-average sandwiches.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Though you don't expect much from the holiday season, you'll still be let down.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You will feel like an ass when you believe a story that was obviously fiction and intended to be entertaining.
  • Libra

    Libra

    A sense of confusion comes over you when, after an acquaintance tells you to "keep up the good work," you cannot recall ever doing any such work.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Don't listen to the people who tell you you should have that fist-sized tumor removed from your esophagus. They're just jealous.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You are a melding of light and shadow, sunset and dawn, a multitude of wonders fused in mortal flesh. And a great big flabby lump of flesh it is, too.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    The tiniest bite of a fresh-baked madeline will bring a sudden flood of memories of other times you ate cookies.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Though you may decide a Dorothy Hamill hairdo looks terrible on you, that's no reason to take it out on Ms. Hamill.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Your holiday experience will have much in common with Inuit creation myths, especially the snowy parts.
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