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Horoscope for the week of December 22, 1999

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How Fashion Trends Arise

With the growing popularity of “fast fashion,” or designs that move quickly from the runway to retail chains, many wonder how their favorite styles first arise. The Onion breaks down the process step by step

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:
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Horoscope for the week of December 22, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Though you will soon find yourself sharing an exciting cross-country road trip with Jerry Reed and a lop-eared basset hound, it's not what you think.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will achieve a certain kind of notoriety when you get rich selling the world's most tasteless exercise program.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will be shaken to your very core by the revelation that not everything in the universe is exactly the same size.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    This will not be a time of great changes for Cancer, but it will be a time of above-average sandwiches.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Though you don't expect much from the holiday season, you'll still be let down.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will feel like an ass when you believe a story that was obviously fiction and intended to be entertaining.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    A sense of confusion comes over you when, after an acquaintance tells you to "keep up the good work," you cannot recall ever doing any such work.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Don't listen to the people who tell you you should have that fist-sized tumor removed from your esophagus. They're just jealous.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You are a melding of light and shadow, sunset and dawn, a multitude of wonders fused in mortal flesh. And a great big flabby lump of flesh it is, too.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The tiniest bite of a fresh-baked madeline will bring a sudden flood of memories of other times you ate cookies.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Though you may decide a Dorothy Hamill hairdo looks terrible on you, that's no reason to take it out on Ms. Hamill.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your holiday experience will have much in common with Inuit creation myths, especially the snowy parts.

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