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Horoscope for the week of December 22, 1999

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Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.

Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around.

What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of December 22, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Though you will soon find yourself sharing an exciting cross-country road trip with Jerry Reed and a lop-eared basset hound, it's not what you think.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will achieve a certain kind of notoriety when you get rich selling the world's most tasteless exercise program.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will be shaken to your very core by the revelation that not everything in the universe is exactly the same size.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    This will not be a time of great changes for Cancer, but it will be a time of above-average sandwiches.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Though you don't expect much from the holiday season, you'll still be let down.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will feel like an ass when you believe a story that was obviously fiction and intended to be entertaining.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    A sense of confusion comes over you when, after an acquaintance tells you to "keep up the good work," you cannot recall ever doing any such work.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Don't listen to the people who tell you you should have that fist-sized tumor removed from your esophagus. They're just jealous.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You are a melding of light and shadow, sunset and dawn, a multitude of wonders fused in mortal flesh. And a great big flabby lump of flesh it is, too.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The tiniest bite of a fresh-baked madeline will bring a sudden flood of memories of other times you ate cookies.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Though you may decide a Dorothy Hamill hairdo looks terrible on you, that's no reason to take it out on Ms. Hamill.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your holiday experience will have much in common with Inuit creation myths, especially the snowy parts.

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