Horoscope for the week of December 22, 2004

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Recent News

Details Of Obama’s Climate Change Plan

President Obama unveiled Monday a plan to increase the country’s clean power usage that many are calling the strongest action ever taken by a U.S. president to combat the effects of climate change. Here are some key details of Obama’s climate change plan

Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean

ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

House and Home

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Fantasy Sports

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Horoscope for the week of December 22, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Financial success looms large in your future, perched to topple over and crush you and everything you love.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    There is nothing in your world more satisfying than a good taco and a can of beer, but then, there is almost nothing in your world at all.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Post-coital cigarettes are one thing, but the pre- and mid-coitus cigarettes you're asking those men to smoke are really starting to annoy them.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Death by firing squad has a certain desolate nobility, but it'll be ruined when the inept, drunken Australians fail to hit you above your waist with the first nine volleys.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your fear of terrorist attacks is just the thing to get you out of getting married and raising a family.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    There's probably something in your life that can't be explained in a single-panel cartoon, but so far, those New Yorker guys have hit the nail on the head every time.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll briefly be the centerpiece of all creation when the guiding force of the universe remembers that it hasn't hit anyone with lightning in a long time.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You've explained over and over that you aren't Siamese twins, but unfortunately for you, your surgical team has "separation" on the brain.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll wish you'd bought better shoes when your smelly, worn-out, charred sneakers are featured in a "Don't Smoke At The Pumps" PSA.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll launch a new street fashion when you find a way to embed diamonds in an otherwise unremarkable pair of breasts.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Don't worry: You aren't the first guy to fall in love with a fast-talking, gold-digging knockout, you derivative hack.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You've always said that if you had to do it all over again, you wouldn't change a thing, so expect the eternal return of a morass of mediocrity followed by an untimely death.