adBlockCheck

Horoscope for the week of December 22, 2004

Top Headlines

Recent News

The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Television

Healthy Living

Horoscope for the week of December 22, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Financial success looms large in your future, perched to topple over and crush you and everything you love.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    There is nothing in your world more satisfying than a good taco and a can of beer, but then, there is almost nothing in your world at all.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Post-coital cigarettes are one thing, but the pre- and mid-coitus cigarettes you're asking those men to smoke are really starting to annoy them.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Death by firing squad has a certain desolate nobility, but it'll be ruined when the inept, drunken Australians fail to hit you above your waist with the first nine volleys.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your fear of terrorist attacks is just the thing to get you out of getting married and raising a family.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    There's probably something in your life that can't be explained in a single-panel cartoon, but so far, those New Yorker guys have hit the nail on the head every time.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll briefly be the centerpiece of all creation when the guiding force of the universe remembers that it hasn't hit anyone with lightning in a long time.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You've explained over and over that you aren't Siamese twins, but unfortunately for you, your surgical team has "separation" on the brain.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll wish you'd bought better shoes when your smelly, worn-out, charred sneakers are featured in a "Don't Smoke At The Pumps" PSA.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll launch a new street fashion when you find a way to embed diamonds in an otherwise unremarkable pair of breasts.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Don't worry: You aren't the first guy to fall in love with a fast-talking, gold-digging knockout, you derivative hack.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You've always said that if you had to do it all over again, you wouldn't change a thing, so expect the eternal return of a morass of mediocrity followed by an untimely death.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close