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Horoscope for the week of December 22, 2004

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What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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Horoscope for the week of December 22, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Financial success looms large in your future, perched to topple over and crush you and everything you love.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    There is nothing in your world more satisfying than a good taco and a can of beer, but then, there is almost nothing in your world at all.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Post-coital cigarettes are one thing, but the pre- and mid-coitus cigarettes you're asking those men to smoke are really starting to annoy them.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Death by firing squad has a certain desolate nobility, but it'll be ruined when the inept, drunken Australians fail to hit you above your waist with the first nine volleys.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your fear of terrorist attacks is just the thing to get you out of getting married and raising a family.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    There's probably something in your life that can't be explained in a single-panel cartoon, but so far, those New Yorker guys have hit the nail on the head every time.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll briefly be the centerpiece of all creation when the guiding force of the universe remembers that it hasn't hit anyone with lightning in a long time.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You've explained over and over that you aren't Siamese twins, but unfortunately for you, your surgical team has "separation" on the brain.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll wish you'd bought better shoes when your smelly, worn-out, charred sneakers are featured in a "Don't Smoke At The Pumps" PSA.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll launch a new street fashion when you find a way to embed diamonds in an otherwise unremarkable pair of breasts.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Don't worry: You aren't the first guy to fall in love with a fast-talking, gold-digging knockout, you derivative hack.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You've always said that if you had to do it all over again, you wouldn't change a thing, so expect the eternal return of a morass of mediocrity followed by an untimely death.

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