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Horoscope for the week of December 22, 2004

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Report: Someone Needs To Get Chips And Dip Away From Area Man

EDISON, NJ—Repeatedly emphasizing that the ruffled potato chips and accompanying French onion dip were just too good, a report released Thursday confirmed that someone needs to get them away from local partygoer Ian Ashcraft before he eats the whole thing.

Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of December 22, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Financial success looms large in your future, perched to topple over and crush you and everything you love.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    There is nothing in your world more satisfying than a good taco and a can of beer, but then, there is almost nothing in your world at all.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Post-coital cigarettes are one thing, but the pre- and mid-coitus cigarettes you're asking those men to smoke are really starting to annoy them.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Death by firing squad has a certain desolate nobility, but it'll be ruined when the inept, drunken Australians fail to hit you above your waist with the first nine volleys.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your fear of terrorist attacks is just the thing to get you out of getting married and raising a family.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    There's probably something in your life that can't be explained in a single-panel cartoon, but so far, those New Yorker guys have hit the nail on the head every time.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll briefly be the centerpiece of all creation when the guiding force of the universe remembers that it hasn't hit anyone with lightning in a long time.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You've explained over and over that you aren't Siamese twins, but unfortunately for you, your surgical team has "separation" on the brain.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll wish you'd bought better shoes when your smelly, worn-out, charred sneakers are featured in a "Don't Smoke At The Pumps" PSA.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll launch a new street fashion when you find a way to embed diamonds in an otherwise unremarkable pair of breasts.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Don't worry: You aren't the first guy to fall in love with a fast-talking, gold-digging knockout, you derivative hack.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You've always said that if you had to do it all over again, you wouldn't change a thing, so expect the eternal return of a morass of mediocrity followed by an untimely death.

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