Horoscope for the week of December 29, 2004

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Vol 40 Issue 52

New 'Steak & Onion' Potato Chips Taste Disturbingly Like Steak And Onions

MONTPELIER, VT—A bag of Murley's Steak & Onion Potato Chips deeply disturbed Montpelier-area snacker Vince Houghton Monday, delivering an artificially created flavor so similar to actual steak and onions as to be unsettling. "I figured, you know, it would have a beefy sort of taste, maybe from bullion powder or something," Houghton told reporters after taking his first-ever bite of the meat-flavored chips. "But it tasted exactly like barbecued top round smothered in chopped Vidalia onions." Added Houghton, who continued to eat the chips despite their unsettlingly realistic taste: "What kind of chemicals are in these things to make them taste so steaky, anyway? There are no beef products whatsoever in the list of ingredients."

Two Dead In 'Kind Of Brutal' Slaying

NEW ORLEANS—A convenience-store clerk and customer were shot to death Monday in an armed robbery described by witnesses as "kind of brutal." "I don't know, you see lots worse stuff in the movies," said Ed Rozema, who was waiting in line to buy cigarettes at the time of the sort-of-chilling double homicide. "I mean, yes, it was unpleasant, but it wasn't the most gruesome murder in the world." Police at the scene agreed, saying they have seen far more horrific crimes. "The gunshots were clean and to the chest, so it's not like there was blood and brains all over the floor," said Sgt. Bill Culver of New Orleans' 33rd Precinct. "A murderer is going to have to work a lot harder to shock us."

Man Always Insists You Toss Him Keys Rather Than Just Hand Them To Him

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Area resident Russ Squirek insists on having his keys tossed to him rather than handed, sources reported Monday. "It's always, 'Yo, here we go, long bomb, send 'em over, going deep,'" friend Craig Green said. "I think he thinks it's cool." Green said Squirek also insists on hopping into convertibles whenever possible rather than using the door.

Sole Remaining Lung Filled With Rich, Satisfying Flavor

GARLAND, TX—Local resident Jesse McCombs' sole remaining lung filled with the rich, satisfying flavor of Parliament cigarettes Monday. "Mmm, now that's a good smoke," said McCombs, 51, drawing a deep breath of Parliament smoke into what remains of his respiratory system. "It's just too bad I no longer have a right lung, because then I could be enjoying double the tobacco pleasure right now."

East St. Louis Rated 'Number One City In America' By Poverty Magazine

EAST ST. LOUIS, IL—The December issue of Poverty magazine, featuring its annual "Top American Cities" poll, hit newsstands Monday, and for the second year in a row, East St. Louis topped the list. "East St. Louis dominated our poll yet again in 2004, topping such categories as unemployment, hubcap availability, and liquor-stores-per-capita," Poverty editor Felicia Banks said. "The city's educational system also rated high, boasting a student-gun ratio of 1:1." Rounding out the top five, in descending order, were Flint, MI; Newark, NJ; Compton, CA; and Gary, IN.

Canadian Immigration Under Fire

Canada's relatively lax immigration policy has drawn criticism from U.S. leaders, who say the country provides an easy home base for terrorists. What do you think?

Police-Recruitment Woes

Across the nation, police departments are struggling to fill their ranks. What is being done to attract new recruits?

Hug Me! vs. No, Hug Me!

Hug me! I am so cute and furry! I will crawl all over you and lick your face. You can hold me, and I will nuzzle my nose against you. Arf! You can pet my fuzzy coat. My fur is thick, and I'm roly-poly and have adorable floppy ears. I'm not scrawny and bony like a duck. You can rub my tummy-wummy!
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Horoscope for the week of December 29, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries

    Your financial outlook isn't a pretty picture, but it does have a certain dark, Brueghelian magnificence.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Your new diet will cause you to become so skinny that, when sitting around the house, you will do so on a single, easily determined side of the house.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Although it was fun to hear your name on television, you still don't think the president should use the State Of The Union address to put prices on citizens' heads.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Learning to accept change is a sign of maturity. Enjoy spending your golden years begging for it on the corner.
  • Leo

    Leo

    If you learn one thing this week, let it be this: What matters isn't whether you're innocent or guilty, but what you wear to the trial.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Luckily, the trend of closed-casket funerals has allowed you to take certain aesthetic shortcuts in your work.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You're really getting tired of big business screwing over the little guy in the subplots of all those TV movies.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You won't so much haunt the world after your death as become the spiritual equivalent of that guy who kept coming back to visit high school after graduation.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Your fake-sounding French accent is even more heinous considering that you grew up in the countryside around Toulon.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You always seem to improve the performances of those around you, usually by slipping them amphetamines while they're not looking.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Although your cancer, if treated early, has a 96 percent recovery rate, doctors are strangely reluctant to treat you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You can't really help the way people feel about you, especially if the dumbasses refuse to listen to reason.
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