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Horoscope for the week of December 29, 2004

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Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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Horoscope for the week of December 29, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your financial outlook isn't a pretty picture, but it does have a certain dark, Brueghelian magnificence.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your new diet will cause you to become so skinny that, when sitting around the house, you will do so on a single, easily determined side of the house.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Although it was fun to hear your name on television, you still don't think the president should use the State Of The Union address to put prices on citizens' heads.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Learning to accept change is a sign of maturity. Enjoy spending your golden years begging for it on the corner.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    If you learn one thing this week, let it be this: What matters isn't whether you're innocent or guilty, but what you wear to the trial.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Luckily, the trend of closed-casket funerals has allowed you to take certain aesthetic shortcuts in your work.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You're really getting tired of big business screwing over the little guy in the subplots of all those TV movies.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You won't so much haunt the world after your death as become the spiritual equivalent of that guy who kept coming back to visit high school after graduation.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your fake-sounding French accent is even more heinous considering that you grew up in the countryside around Toulon.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You always seem to improve the performances of those around you, usually by slipping them amphetamines while they're not looking.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Although your cancer, if treated early, has a 96 percent recovery rate, doctors are strangely reluctant to treat you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You can't really help the way people feel about you, especially if the dumbasses refuse to listen to reason.

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