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Horoscope for the week of December 29, 2004

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Recent News

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Surprises

  • Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

    DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Television

Horoscope for the week of December 29, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your financial outlook isn't a pretty picture, but it does have a certain dark, Brueghelian magnificence.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your new diet will cause you to become so skinny that, when sitting around the house, you will do so on a single, easily determined side of the house.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Although it was fun to hear your name on television, you still don't think the president should use the State Of The Union address to put prices on citizens' heads.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Learning to accept change is a sign of maturity. Enjoy spending your golden years begging for it on the corner.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    If you learn one thing this week, let it be this: What matters isn't whether you're innocent or guilty, but what you wear to the trial.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Luckily, the trend of closed-casket funerals has allowed you to take certain aesthetic shortcuts in your work.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You're really getting tired of big business screwing over the little guy in the subplots of all those TV movies.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You won't so much haunt the world after your death as become the spiritual equivalent of that guy who kept coming back to visit high school after graduation.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your fake-sounding French accent is even more heinous considering that you grew up in the countryside around Toulon.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You always seem to improve the performances of those around you, usually by slipping them amphetamines while they're not looking.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Although your cancer, if treated early, has a 96 percent recovery rate, doctors are strangely reluctant to treat you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You can't really help the way people feel about you, especially if the dumbasses refuse to listen to reason.

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