adBlockCheck

Recent News

Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.
End Of Section
  • More News

Horoscope for the week of December 29, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your financial outlook isn't a pretty picture, but it does have a certain dark, Brueghelian magnificence.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your new diet will cause you to become so skinny that, when sitting around the house, you will do so on a single, easily determined side of the house.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Although it was fun to hear your name on television, you still don't think the president should use the State Of The Union address to put prices on citizens' heads.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Learning to accept change is a sign of maturity. Enjoy spending your golden years begging for it on the corner.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    If you learn one thing this week, let it be this: What matters isn't whether you're innocent or guilty, but what you wear to the trial.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Luckily, the trend of closed-casket funerals has allowed you to take certain aesthetic shortcuts in your work.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You're really getting tired of big business screwing over the little guy in the subplots of all those TV movies.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You won't so much haunt the world after your death as become the spiritual equivalent of that guy who kept coming back to visit high school after graduation.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your fake-sounding French accent is even more heinous considering that you grew up in the countryside around Toulon.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You always seem to improve the performances of those around you, usually by slipping them amphetamines while they're not looking.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Although your cancer, if treated early, has a 96 percent recovery rate, doctors are strangely reluctant to treat you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You can't really help the way people feel about you, especially if the dumbasses refuse to listen to reason.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close