Aries | March 21 to April 19
The mystery of your parentage will be solved this week when General Motors recalls you and 20,000 of your brothers and sisters.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Everyone who laughed at your bizarre phobia will feel remorse this week when supermidget Billy Barty breaks into your house, kicks you repeatedly in the groin and steals your good silver.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
A compromise will be necessary this week to reconcile your lifestyle with the world. Stop setting old ladies on fire.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You become the butt of all the office jokes this week when you forget to compensate for windage during your presidential assassination attempt.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
An impromptu survey of the NHL's 10 best goalies ranks you as the worst lay in all of the U.S. and Canada.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You are unceremoniously fired when the world's ugliest pre-operative transvestites answer the personals ad you wrote for your boss.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
The twin specters of confusion and bankruptcy haunt your life when Wilford Brimley confronts you with a prenuptial contract you do not remember signing.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Your football-widow status becomes permanent when the Kansas City Chiefs break into your house and murder your husband.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You run afoul of the school board this week when you refuse to answer its questions about the space-heaters installed in your children's lungs.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You will be sued for loss of livelihood when the riding mower you are operating goes out of control, tears through a circus freakshow tent, and separates the Siamese twins.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Despite repeated sacrifices to Venus, no loss of virginity is scheduled for you this week.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You will make the Guinness Book Of Records this week in the category of "Most Horribly Bungled Suicide Attempt."
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