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Horoscope for the week of December 3, 1996

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Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.

Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around.

What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

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Horoscope for the week of December 3, 1996

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The mystery of your parentage will be solved this week when General Motors recalls you and 20,000 of your brothers and sisters.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Everyone who laughed at your bizarre phobia will feel remorse this week when supermidget Billy Barty breaks into your house, kicks you repeatedly in the groin and steals your good silver.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A compromise will be necessary this week to reconcile your lifestyle with the world. Stop setting old ladies on fire.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You become the butt of all the office jokes this week when you forget to compensate for windage during your presidential assassination attempt.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    An impromptu survey of the NHL's 10 best goalies ranks you as the worst lay in all of the U.S. and Canada.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You are unceremoniously fired when the world's ugliest pre-operative transvestites answer the personals ad you wrote for your boss.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The twin specters of confusion and bankruptcy haunt your life when Wilford Brimley confronts you with a prenuptial contract you do not remember signing.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your football-widow status becomes permanent when the Kansas City Chiefs break into your house and murder your husband.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You run afoul of the school board this week when you refuse to answer its questions about the space-heaters installed in your children's lungs.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will be sued for loss of livelihood when the riding mower you are operating goes out of control, tears through a circus freakshow tent, and separates the Siamese twins.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Despite repeated sacrifices to Venus, no loss of virginity is scheduled for you this week.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will make the Guinness Book Of Records this week in the category of "Most Horribly Bungled Suicide Attempt."

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