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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.
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Horoscope for the week of December 3, 1996

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The mystery of your parentage will be solved this week when General Motors recalls you and 20,000 of your brothers and sisters.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Everyone who laughed at your bizarre phobia will feel remorse this week when supermidget Billy Barty breaks into your house, kicks you repeatedly in the groin and steals your good silver.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A compromise will be necessary this week to reconcile your lifestyle with the world. Stop setting old ladies on fire.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You become the butt of all the office jokes this week when you forget to compensate for windage during your presidential assassination attempt.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    An impromptu survey of the NHL's 10 best goalies ranks you as the worst lay in all of the U.S. and Canada.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You are unceremoniously fired when the world's ugliest pre-operative transvestites answer the personals ad you wrote for your boss.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The twin specters of confusion and bankruptcy haunt your life when Wilford Brimley confronts you with a prenuptial contract you do not remember signing.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your football-widow status becomes permanent when the Kansas City Chiefs break into your house and murder your husband.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You run afoul of the school board this week when you refuse to answer its questions about the space-heaters installed in your children's lungs.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will be sued for loss of livelihood when the riding mower you are operating goes out of control, tears through a circus freakshow tent, and separates the Siamese twins.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Despite repeated sacrifices to Venus, no loss of virginity is scheduled for you this week.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will make the Guinness Book Of Records this week in the category of "Most Horribly Bungled Suicide Attempt."
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