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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.
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Horoscope for the week of December 3, 1996

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The mystery of your parentage will be solved this week when General Motors recalls you and 20,000 of your brothers and sisters.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Everyone who laughed at your bizarre phobia will feel remorse this week when supermidget Billy Barty breaks into your house, kicks you repeatedly in the groin and steals your good silver.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A compromise will be necessary this week to reconcile your lifestyle with the world. Stop setting old ladies on fire.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You become the butt of all the office jokes this week when you forget to compensate for windage during your presidential assassination attempt.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    An impromptu survey of the NHL's 10 best goalies ranks you as the worst lay in all of the U.S. and Canada.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You are unceremoniously fired when the world's ugliest pre-operative transvestites answer the personals ad you wrote for your boss.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The twin specters of confusion and bankruptcy haunt your life when Wilford Brimley confronts you with a prenuptial contract you do not remember signing.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your football-widow status becomes permanent when the Kansas City Chiefs break into your house and murder your husband.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You run afoul of the school board this week when you refuse to answer its questions about the space-heaters installed in your children's lungs.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will be sued for loss of livelihood when the riding mower you are operating goes out of control, tears through a circus freakshow tent, and separates the Siamese twins.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Despite repeated sacrifices to Venus, no loss of virginity is scheduled for you this week.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will make the Guinness Book Of Records this week in the category of "Most Horribly Bungled Suicide Attempt."

More from this section

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

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