Horoscope for the week of December 3, 1996

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Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage


  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Horoscope for the week of December 3, 1996

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The mystery of your parentage will be solved this week when General Motors recalls you and 20,000 of your brothers and sisters.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Everyone who laughed at your bizarre phobia will feel remorse this week when supermidget Billy Barty breaks into your house, kicks you repeatedly in the groin and steals your good silver.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A compromise will be necessary this week to reconcile your lifestyle with the world. Stop setting old ladies on fire.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You become the butt of all the office jokes this week when you forget to compensate for windage during your presidential assassination attempt.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    An impromptu survey of the NHL's 10 best goalies ranks you as the worst lay in all of the U.S. and Canada.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You are unceremoniously fired when the world's ugliest pre-operative transvestites answer the personals ad you wrote for your boss.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The twin specters of confusion and bankruptcy haunt your life when Wilford Brimley confronts you with a prenuptial contract you do not remember signing.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your football-widow status becomes permanent when the Kansas City Chiefs break into your house and murder your husband.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You run afoul of the school board this week when you refuse to answer its questions about the space-heaters installed in your children's lungs.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will be sued for loss of livelihood when the riding mower you are operating goes out of control, tears through a circus freakshow tent, and separates the Siamese twins.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Despite repeated sacrifices to Venus, no loss of virginity is scheduled for you this week.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will make the Guinness Book Of Records this week in the category of "Most Horribly Bungled Suicide Attempt."