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Horoscope for the week of December 3, 1997

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Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know
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Horoscope for the week of December 3, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    There's only one place to turn for the kind of quality horoscopes you've come to depend on: Aries—A Sign Of Your Times™.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    When a small Earth sign challenged the industry giants back in 1933, nobody gave them a chance. Today, we’re one of the big 12. Taurus— We're Your Future™.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    We knew about that tall stranger. We told you about the journey over water. And tomorrow? Just wait ’til you see: Gemini—We Know™.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Is it the occulted moon? The music of the spheres? The cosmic resonance? Maybe. Or maybe it’s our 1,400 years of experience. At home and overseas... There's No Magic Like The Magic Of Cancer™.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Strong. Stubborn. An island of strength in times of trouble. We’ll be there, just like we've always been. Leo—The Lion™.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    A newborn baby. Kittens. Summer mornings. Mountain streams. Mother's milk. And Virgo. Virgo Purity™.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You could trust the cards, or the tea leaves, or even the I Ching. Or you could just ask Libra and know for sure. Libra—It’s Going To Happen... Guaranteed™.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    In astrology, there are 12 star signs, but only one superstar. If It's Not Scorpio, It’s Just Stargazing™.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Where do top fire signs go for their own clairvoyance? You got it: Sagittarius—The Professional's Choice™.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    In today's world, knowing the future is more important that ever. Who do you trust to predict yours? Capricorn... Of Course™.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You're not just a date of birth. You're not just a number. And to us, you’re not just another person. At Aquarius, You're The Stars In Our Sky™.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    A young woman encounters trouble in her love life. She should have known. Why didn't she? She wasn't Pisces. It's Pisces, Or It's Fate™.

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