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Horoscope for the week of December 3, 1997

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Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.
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Horoscope for the week of December 3, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    There's only one place to turn for the kind of quality horoscopes you've come to depend on: Aries—A Sign Of Your Times™.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    When a small Earth sign challenged the industry giants back in 1933, nobody gave them a chance. Today, we’re one of the big 12. Taurus— We're Your Future™.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    We knew about that tall stranger. We told you about the journey over water. And tomorrow? Just wait ’til you see: Gemini—We Know™.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Is it the occulted moon? The music of the spheres? The cosmic resonance? Maybe. Or maybe it’s our 1,400 years of experience. At home and overseas... There's No Magic Like The Magic Of Cancer™.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Strong. Stubborn. An island of strength in times of trouble. We’ll be there, just like we've always been. Leo—The Lion™.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    A newborn baby. Kittens. Summer mornings. Mountain streams. Mother's milk. And Virgo. Virgo Purity™.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You could trust the cards, or the tea leaves, or even the I Ching. Or you could just ask Libra and know for sure. Libra—It’s Going To Happen... Guaranteed™.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    In astrology, there are 12 star signs, but only one superstar. If It's Not Scorpio, It’s Just Stargazing™.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Where do top fire signs go for their own clairvoyance? You got it: Sagittarius—The Professional's Choice™.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    In today's world, knowing the future is more important that ever. Who do you trust to predict yours? Capricorn... Of Course™.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You're not just a date of birth. You're not just a number. And to us, you’re not just another person. At Aquarius, You're The Stars In Our Sky™.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    A young woman encounters trouble in her love life. She should have known. Why didn't she? She wasn't Pisces. It's Pisces, Or It's Fate™.

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